I'd rather be me and you

The Truth

Because I'm (you're?) the one reading this, it's safe to assume that you know I'm not one to hide things. Well maybe that's a lie. There's a few things I've been hiding since the whole Regina thing but that doesn't really count. Does it?

Okay so maybe I do keep secrets. But every time it's for good reason. And every time one is release, someone gets hurt.
Normally me.
So yeah I guess it's okay cause I'm done with being hurt.

Damian says I should share things with him a bit more. He says it would help with my anxiety and I guess I get what he means but it's really hard. He's the only person I've ever been able to talk to truthfully, I'm scared he'd run if he did know the truth.

Hah more like terrified.

It didn't take me long to settle in to the rhythm of things at the Home. We'd have school for three hours on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, then we'd have lunch and then the group therapy sessions. Our private sessions were on the weekend when Taylor didn't have other bookings at the firm she works for.
On Thursday and Friday we'd do sports and play games and just socialize. Barrett and Grey would allow us to cook our own dinners on the Saturday night, telling us we needed life skills aswell (personally I think they were to lazy to cook).

I got to know Damian really well in the first few days spent with him, he'd take me everywhere he went. To the extent that I'd sit outside the bathroom and talk to him when he was in the shower, we became fast friends. It was just so easy to get along with Damian, something that was a hard prospect for me to learn. Friendship with Regina had always been full of backhanded compliments, manipulation and fights. Fights that I was always somehow in the wrong for.

Friendship with Damian was so different it was a little scary. He would compliment me and I'd be sure that, in some way, he didn't truly mean what he said. He'd let me borrow his hoodies but I'd always refuse knowing I'd have to give him something in return, something I probably didn't have. The confusion was exhausting but I didn't know how to talk to him, I didn't want to seem ungreatful or needy and even though I was terrified he didn't care I couldn't bring myself to ask.

"Dame...can I ask you a question?" I heard my voice ask the boy sat on the bed opposite mine. It was past the lights out call but we weren't asleep and the fairy lights cast a bright enough glow for us to see one another in the dimly lit room.
"Of course. Shoot." Damian replied, his voice playful.
"Um so you don't have to answer this but why are you here?" I could feel my cheeks flush the moment after I asked and looked at my hands in a shame at pushing him.

"Hey hey... Jan I don't mind you asking. Not at all, it means you care so that's good." Damian moved and sat next to me, interlocking his fingers with mine and smiling, "I guess things just got to much. My Father left after he found out I was gay and my mum loves me but she couldn't offer me all the help I needed. I went to therapy and was diagnosed with depression last year. After that things just got out of hand and here I am!"
I began to stroke his knuckles with my thumb, ignoring the thin white lines that littered his arms and mirrored mine perfectly, a sad look on my face as I found myself opening up, "My best friend outed me to the entire school after telling me that I couldn't go to her pool party because she thought I was a lesbian. She even asked me what I was."

"What did you say?"
"What could I say? I didn't know why my friend was doing this to me and it wasn't like I could deny it, because she was right. I don't know what I was thinking but in the end I just shouted that I was 'a space alien with four butts!' It was at lunch that day that I realised how stupid I had been. Someone had keyed Space Dyke into my locker, I got sent home after that. I haven't been back since the few days after because the bullying got so bad in such a short amount of time." I felt tears begin to slip down my face, "It's so stupid but I really thought she would just leave me alone. We were friends, best friends and she destroyed my life without batting an eyelash."

"Oh JanJan that's horrible!" I heard Damian exclaim through the blood pounding in my ears. He pulled my into him and I sobbed into his chest.
"I'm sorry."
"For what sweets?"
"I completely ruined your story by spilling my guts."
He chuckled, "It's alright Jan. It seems life really messed us up didn't it?"
I nodded into him and sighed in exhaustion, it was nice that someone was excepting of me. Someone who wasn't a parent or an adult like Erika, Taylor or Kate and Ashley who thought they understood but never would. Damian actually got me and that was nice, he didn't push or ask unwanted questions, he didn't try to get me to tell him how I was feeling and he didn't act like he knew how to fix me. Because he didn't know.
I never had to pretend to be something I wasn't with Damian. I never had to be 'okay' when I wasn't.

"Dame?"
"Yes sweets?"
"I love you."

It was so random and such a strange thing for me to say that I thought I had scared him off or made him feel uncomfortable. The last thing I needed was him thinking I had some kind of weird crush on him when he was very clearly gay. I didn't want to ruin our friendship so quickly.

"Janis."
"Yes?" My voice came out as more of a squeak, one that made him chuckle.
"I love you too." Then he squeezed me, pressing a kiss into my hair and making me feel completely at home.

Okay future me, I've probably already said this but don't leave him behind.

You leave Damian behind and it'll ruin you because you need him just as much if not more than he needs you. So don't leave him.

Ever.