I'd rather be me and you

The Breakdown

Okay so the next three chapters are pretty confusing. They might make sense but they also might not. I wrote this chapter at like two in the morning and have read through it a few times. I'm honestly not sure what I think.

Enjoy?

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I spent a little over a year at the Home, I had just turned 14 when I got there and by the time I left I was almost 16, so it's easy to say a lot changed.

I watched as slowly but surely I got more confident and came into myself a little better. I guess I can thank Damian for that, he helped me realise that being myself was more important that what other people thought.

Taylor, or Dr Louderman if we're being professional, helped a lot as well. She was they person who got me to my first official breakthrough while at the Home, she helped me realise my emotions were very much tied to my emotions and even got me the help I needed with my anxiety, and I'm not sure if I can ever thank her enough for it because it why I am who I am today.

(She also got me into art therapy, because after the day at the park she realised I might maybe have anger issues, but we don't talk about that.)

I knocked on the door three times, waiting for the okay from Talor, so that I could enter.
"Come on in Janis." She called through the door, I pushed it open to reveal her sat at her desk studying a book about words, "How are you today?" She asked after I had taken a seat on one of the plush armchairs in the room.
I smiled, a smile that for the first time in what felt like ages wasn't completely fake, "I'm good! I got my maths score back today and I got a 93!" I could feel myself beeming and was a little embarrassed because I must have looked like an idiot.
Taylor just smiled and nodded along with my rambling, "That's great, it's nice to see your education is still going strong! Anything else happen over the weekend?"

My eyes widened, she must have been talking about the park, "Is this about what happend with that kid at the park?" I didn't make eye contact, choosing to look at my hands instead.
"I'm afraid so, Barrett came to me last night and said she was worried about you. According to her you were sobbing when she found you, sobbing and clutching your wrists." Taylor explained.

My eyes widened again, I hadn't realised I was holding my wrists when she had found me, I was also a little annoyed Barrett had told Taylor but I guessed it was her job to look after me, "I-um I just got really angry and upset. I didn't know what to do either because when I used to get upset I'd resort to some pretty unhealthy coping mechanisms." I looked up, "I don't think I've ever been that angry before."

"Why do you think you were so angry?" Taylor asked, jotting down some notes on her laptop.
"The picture the kid ripped it was for my sister's birthday." I muttered.
"Are you overprotective of her then?"
I nodded, "She's my little sister. My little clone. I want her to have a happy life and a good childhood, I don't need her life messing up like mine was."
"So your emotions are tied to the people you love then, you got mad over something that can be replaced because it was for your sister."
I nod again, "I guess."

"Okay that's good. Let's talk about Damian then. You two seem very close." She pointed out smiling.
"Er yeah I guess we are. He's like a brother to me." I mumbled, I could feel the heat rushing to my cheeks and felt myself beginning to panic, I didn't want to seem embarrassed, not in front of my therapist.
"That's good Janis, I'm assuming you don't want to talk about it?" Taylor asked smiling knowingly.
"If that's okay? I'm not embarrassed about being his friend, I love him! It's just-"
"It's okay Janis. I understand."

I wasn't convinced that she wasnt lying and sizing me up in her head because that was one of the first times I'd lost hold of my anxiety in front of her, I've never been one to babble and she knows that. I'd had this feeling building up in my chest all day, like I was going to simultaneously burst into tears and throw up at the same time. It was a feeling I very much associated with panic attacks and well Regina, so I could tell nothing good was going to come of it.

I just had to make it till the end of the session, then I could go back to my room and hide in Damians arms for the rest of the day, I just had to make it till the end. I just wasn't sure I could. At the rate my heart was speeding up I would be a crying mess on the floor before I got out and I wasn't even completely sure why. My head hurt too much to think about it.
Taylor was speaking but I didn't hear anything she said, my ears were filled with the sound of my blood rushing through them and although I was trying to keep it together my breathing had began to get quicker.

"Okay that'll be all today Janis! Get some rest and I'll see you in a few days!"
I didn't even say goodbye as I left, rushing out of the room so quickly that I am sure I saw one of the vases by the door wobble on the spot. I rushed past Erika in the kitchen and almost knocked Grey down the stairs as I sprinted past him, getting into my room and slamming the door shut, sliding down it and burying my head in my knees.

Luckily for me Damian was in our room and had sat in front of me the moment I had gone down, attempting to communicate with me.
"Jan sweet breath for me alright?" He said softly, placing a hand on my knee and rubbing it softly when I don't flinch away, "Listen to my breathing babe, can you hear it?"
I nod into my knees still sobbing.
"Good, that's good. I want you to match your breathing with mine okay?"
I nod again, putting all my energy into doing what he asks of me, I can feel my chest tightening with every sob as I fail to get enough oxygen into my lungs and work harder to listen to Damian because the feeling burns and I hate feeling so vulnerable.

"In and out JanJan, you can do it."
And slowly but surely I do, my breathing begins to return to a more natural rhythm and the tears eventually slow enough for me to make out Damians terrified expression, It was almost enough to make me want to cry again because I scared him again.
He must of sensed this because he started speaking quickly, "Hey hey hey, Jan it's okay. You're alright!"

He shuffles to sit next to me, "Can I hug you Sweet?" He asked, being really gentle, when I eventually nod he loops his arm around my shoulder and pulls me into his chest, letting me relax into him and eventually fall asleep to the sound of his breathing.

We were both woken up later that night and sent to our actual beds but surprisingly no questions were asked, my face was red and blotchy and I kept sniffling but there were no questions. That was something I really appreciated, although I couldn't be sure it wouldn't make it's way back to Taylor and that made me dread the next time I had a session.