I'd rather be me and you

The Nightmare

The most annoying thing about what Regina did to me is the nightmares. I still get them years later and even though they aren't as bad as they used to be. I still think it's stupid that I get them at all.

It is a little ridiculous actually because they mean that she succeeded in breaking me and that's not something I ever want her having the pleasure of knowing.

I still feel bad to this day that Damian had to witness one of my worst ever nightmares. I think I might have permanently traumatized him and I don't think I'll ever apologise enough for that.

By the time eleven o'clock came around both Barrett and Grey had banged on our door numerous times to tell us to put our lights out and to be quiet, or to 'laugh quieter' as Barrett had put it, so by the time we did actually fall asleep both of us were exhausted.
It felt as if the minute I fell asleep I was waking up again.

This time it was different though, Damians bed was empty and all the lights in the room were that bright white colour instead of the dimmer orange colour that mine and Damians bedside lamps were. There were no windows and although I didn't clock that at first, there was something else, something wrong, that made me feel sick to my stomach.

Then the whole room fell dark and I felt my heart rate begin to rise as the shadows in the room all began to morph together into a looming figure. A looming blond figure? Regina?

A sharp mirthless cackle, that could have been human if it hadn't been so loud and caused all the lights in the room to blow their bulbs very suddenly, I screamed and pulled my knees to my chest.

What are you?

I can't have you coming to my party cause we think you're a lesbian and there will be girls there in their swimsuits.

You're a fucking Dyke?!

Space Dyke! Space Dyke!

Hey Dyke! I'll teach you a lesson you'll never forget! Hey come back you fucking bitch!

I sobbed into my knees, attempting to stifle the scream building up inside of my chest as the voices, if you could even call them that, of all my tormentors at school screaming at me and even my own father after he found out. He really did scream at me that night, it was terrifying because my father had been quite good with me until then, he never was completely stable but he had been a good father.

The shadow that was Regina George came forward, taking hold of my chin and inching her face closer to mine as I squirmed and fought to escape her grip, I didn't want to relive what was about to happen, I didn't need her to break me again.
"Such a good little Dyke. This'll be our secret." She whispered into my ear, then she bought her lips to mine and pushed me against the bed. Without thinking I screamed at the top of my lungs, thrashing madly.

Hands. Hands all over my body, squeezing me. Shaking me.

Shaking me?

I jolted forward, gasping in an attempt to refill my lungs with the oxygen I had just lost. The change was obvious as I opens my eyes, the warm light of my bedside lamp was back a small comfort amist my panic.

"Whoa! Easy there kid you're okay. You're safe." The voice cam from Barrett, who was sat on the edge of my mattress, holding my shoulders and squeezing them comfortably, she had this wide eyed, worried look on her face and there was still traces of sleep in her eyes.
By the door stood both Grey and Damian, one of them looking apprehensively at me and the other with red cheeks and tear tracks leading to their chin.

I scanned the room feverishly, how had all of that been a dream, it had felt real and if I was honest I'd never been more scared in my life. I felt my heart being to slow to a more natural rate and looked towards Barrett with wavering breaths.
"Thanks...Um... For waking me up." I stuttered, still jumpy from the whole fiasco.
"Are you alright kiddo?"
"Um...no not really."

I was caught completely off guard when she pulled me into a tight hug, but as soon as my head was on her shoulder I felt the tears begin to leak out of my eyes again and I sobbed.
"Oh sweetheart it's okay it was only a dream. Nothing can hurt you here I promise."

I felt safe for a moment, Barrett smelt like the cookies she and Grey had attempted to bake earlier that day, it was a real human smell and was something that was surprisingly grounding, it was a safe smell.
As we pulled appart I let my body relax, slipping back under my covers and resting my head on the soft pillow, I watched Damian, still stood at the door with a tear streaked, terrified expression, and then patted the small amount of space in the bed next to me.

He shuffled across the room and slid under the covers with me, "I'm sorry for waking you Dame." I muttered, more comfort coming from the warmth of his body against mine.
"It's not your fault you had a nightmare Sweets. I'm just glad your okay, I was so scared I didn't know what to do." I muzzled into his chest and watched as Barrett and Grey slipped out of our room, turning the lights off but keeping the door open a crack just in case.
I felt myself slip into a dreamless sleep to the sound of Damians breathing, I didn't have another nightmare that night.

Over the coming months I would have many nightmares and Damian would always end up having to get Grey or Barrett to wake me up. The first one was the worst, however, I never had another one that scared me as much as the first did. Somethings if they got really bad, Barrett would refuse to leave me alone and would fall asleep on the floor. When this happend I would often wake up a few hours later to Grey slipping into the room and picking Barrett up, carrying her to her own bed.

I was quickly shown that the people at the Home did care about me, Damian would often sleep with me after my nightmares and on really bad nights one of the older girls, Veronica I think her name was, would make her amazing hot chocolate for me and Damian, helping to settle my stomach. Sometimes all of the kids would just bundle into my room and we'd have a massive sleep over.

It was like one big family. But we all had problems, to say that these small moments didn't make things better would be a lie, they couldn't make everything better though. I guess some things are unfixable.