Moments || H.S

Thirty Six ; Growing

I had contemplated for weeks about how I was going to surprise him and after much consideration I decided to keep it simple but special with something he could keep and remember. I mean, it's not everyday you tell your best friend you're having a baby. 

I tore a page out of my notebook and wrote something on it, I didn't like it so I scrunched it up and started again, and again, until I had nearly teared out half my notebook. I didn't know what to write, so I wrote the first thing that comes to my head when I think of our future. Family of 5 , I put the note in the envelope with the pictures and seal it up. 

"What do you reckon he is gonna say?" I ask my husband, sitting on the bench swinging his feet next to me. 

"Dunno" He says grinning like an idiot "Shit himself?"

I laugh at his comment and walk out the front door and towards the post box. I take a deep breath and push it through the gap. It's sent. 

For the next few days I purposely don't visit or contact Harry while I wait for his response and it comes in the form of a frantic knock on the front door nearly a week after I sent the letter. Shit shit shit he knows 

I cautiously walk up to the front door and he knocks again and I can hear him shuffling around waiting for me to open the door, and my heart starts racing. I slowly unlock the door and open it. 

Harry stands there, looking flustered and in shock. Holding my short letter and photos of the ultrasound in one hand and his phone in the other. 

"Avery, are you serious?" He says, looking down at the photos in his hand and then up to me with a grin "You're fucking pregnant?" 

I nod my head and he steps forwards and quickly wraps his arms around my neck and I place my head on his chest and feel his heart beating fast as well, good to know the feeling is mutual. 

"No fucking way!" Harry says when he lets me go "Congrats! Holy shit!" 

I laugh at his excited swearing and close the door. He shakes his head in disbelief and suddenly everything that happened these last few weeks make sense to him. A smile lights up his face and his dimples appear in his cheeks as he takes his shoes off. 

"So that's why you didn't drink last week for your birthday?" The smile on his face only growing larger. 

"Yeah" I laugh as he jumps around like a little kid.  

"Where's August?" He asks, grabbing my shoulders and looking into the lounge room. 

"In the kitchen" I point in the direction of the kitchen and he quickly kisses me on the forehead and them runs off. 

Harry runs up at August and wrapping in a hug. Both their faces light up and tears form in my eyes at how excited they both are. 

"Congratulations August" Harry grins and pats him on the back "You're not a massive virgin after all!"  

"Harry!" I laugh in surprise. 

"What?" He says, beaming as August blushes slightly and shakes his head "I'm not wrong!"

"Anyway" August says, trying to change the subject "We were going to ask you something"

He raises his eyebrows at me, clearly knowing this is a thing between me and Harry. He's good like that, knowing when it's a private matter or problem and giving us space. He also tries not to get involved with Harry's career, although he helped with album covers and photo shoot ideas. 

"Oh, yeah" I look up at Harry, drinking his coffee and smiling "Would you like to be the god-father?"

He nearly spits out his coffee and I laugh. Harry looks up at August with wide eyes, who gives him an approving nod. This is what we both want, for Harry to be a real part of our family for the rest of ours and the baby's lives, and if anything happens to us he would take guardianship of the baby.

 It's a big commitment and I hope he knows what it means, not just having a relationship with the child but also the legal side of it. I hope it doesn't come to him having to look after the baby but I just know that they would be safe hands. 

"Me?"  He says, surprised and shaking his head in disbelief. 

"Yes!" I reach for his hand and squeeze gently "I couldn't think of a better person, after all, you are part of this family"  

He smiles proudly and squeezes my hand back "I would love that so much, thank you" He looks between me and August and stands up, embracing me lovingly. 

"I love you, Ave" He laughs as August coughs "I don't care what your husband says, I loved you first and will do anything I can to support you and the baby, I promise"

"I love you, too" I say into his shoulder,.

I lay on the couch, thoughts rushing through my head about this afternoon, mainly happy ones but there is a nagging feeling of guilt. Why am I so happy when Diana only died 3 weeks go? Why should I be happy and celebrating when she isn't here to see it? I look at Harry, on his phone, the smile hasn't left his lips all evening. 

"Harry?" I say quietly, enough to get his attention and to not be heard by August in the next room painting like always.

"Yeah?" He says, shoving his phone into his hoodie pocket to show that he's listening. "Everything ok?" 

"Yes" I sigh "But... I ...have a weird feeling... almost like I'm replacing Diana with this baby, like I can't accept her being gone from our lives" I make eye contact with him and take a deep breath in "You know I was pregnant when she died? I didn't even know it, It's so weird thinking that I was so upset when something exciting was happening without me even knowing, What if I just payed more attention to her health and she might still be here to see this"

Harry nods his head thoughtfully and says "Diana really loved you. I could tell she was more than just a cat to you, and I understand your pain, but you can't live in the past and the 'What if' questions because she wouldn't want you to feel like that, it wasn't your fault Ave, you couldn't have known" 

"I know, but I don't know if I can accept it and move on. Like the past is always going to be in the back of my mind and reminding me that things could be different" I slump back into the couch and watch him get up and sit next to me, the smile finally leaving his lips as he notices the tears leave my eyes. He puts his arm around my shoulders and I lay my head on his shoulder to hide them, but he saw.

"Hey, don't cry" He says softly and wipes them with his hoodie sleeve, he thinks for a second and then continues "The past can hurt, but the way I see it, you can either run for it or learn from it" 

"Harry fucking styles" I say, laughing and looking up at him "Did you seriously just quote Lion King right now?"

"Yup" He says grinning now. "I can't wait to introduce this kid to Disney" 

I smile, and sit up at August as he walks into the room. By his facial expression I guess he heard everything.

"Hakuna Matata"  he says, smirking and confirming my suspicions "but what Harry said is right, you need to let go. We are going to have a baby and I know that worries you, but you're going to be a great mother. trust me, Ave" 

I trust him with my whole heart. It's going to take time to adjust to this, but talking to them as lifted a weight off my shoulders and I feel like I can breathe again. I'll be excited soon, but right now I just need time to process my grief properly.