Moments || H.S

seventy five ; The Story

(Sorry for the spoiler but it needs to be said, this chapter may be triggering because it talks about miscarriages and loss. I'm nervous about this chapter but I think it's important to show that not everyone goes as expected and that fact will be revisited later in the book ;) - P xo) 

But all that shit didn't work out. 

All our dreams, plans and hopes were crushed. 

Because only 2 weeks after finding out, I miscarried. 

And now I'm sitting on the bathroom floor wrapped in a towel wondering where it all went wrong. 

I'm alone right now. That's how I wanted to be. August and Delilah are with my Mum and Harry is across the street in his house. August was so hit by it, he cried for a long time with me. H didn't say anything, just held me as I cried then went home. I don't know if it's hit him yet, that there isn't going to be another baby. 

Because it hit me hard. It hit my right in the stomach and winded me. All the air was sucked out of me and I'm completely defenseless to it all. I've never felt weaker. My phone dings and I contemplate even reaching for it, but I do and it's Harry. 

I know you said you wanted space but I know you, Ave. You're struggling and I'll be over in 5 minutes -H x

I slowly stand up and walk to my bedroom, pulling on a hoodie and leggings. I look at myself in the mirror. It's been 3 days since the miscarriage and I look rough. Dark bags under my eyes from the loss of sleep and crying, my skin has decided now is a good time to break out and my hair is damp and tangled. I remember when Harry would get pimples when we were kids and I'd hold him down to pop them, memories like that usually make me chuckle to myself but I just feel numb. 

I'm worried about Harry seeing me so broken. He hasn't seen me since it happened. I mean, it's not like he hasn't seen me in bad conditions. We've seen each other sick, naked, drunk and struggling. We've seen each other at our most vulnerable, at our lowest. Every break up, death and bad article. There isn't anything we wouldn't do for each other and nothing could change how we view each other. But this feels different

It feels like the world is crashing. Like everything we had looked forward to has been set on fire and all we can do is watch it burn and pray we don't get suffocated by the smoke. The worst is over, I know that so for now it's about recovery. Getting my shit together and moving on. I'm not going to try and get pregnant again, I had a chance and it fucked up. 

I can't help but hate my body. It could handle being pregnant once why couldn't it do it again? I'd given birth before I just don't understand what went wrong, and neither do the doctors. I guess some things just weren't meant to be. 

It's like a slap in face or a wake up call. That life isn't going to be sunshine and rainbows all the time. I'd gotten used to being so happy, so content with my life and my relationships that this just the reminder I needed that life isn't pretty. Life isn't fair. As much as you want it to be perfect, shit is going to go wrong and all you can do is hold on to the things you cherish most. And the thing I cherish most is knocking on my bedroom door. 

"Ave" H says softly "let me in"

I unlock the door and he walks in, wrapping me in a hug straight away. Holding me so tight like he's trying to protect me from all the evil in the world but it's too late. I've seen and felt the cruelness. 

"I'm sorry" He says with a shaky sigh "I'm really, really sorry" He rubs my back and I try not to fall apart all over again. 

"Have you eaten?" He asks and lets go of me. I look up to see a tear fall from his eye and he wipes it. I shake my head and look down at my feet.