Hamilton One-Shots DISCONTINUED

Jamilton

Alex slammed the door to his apartment shut, nearly hitting Thomas in the face. Thomas hurriedly pushed the door open again and walked in after the smaller man.

He followed the sound of angry mutters and the smell of coffee to the kitchen, where Alex was angrily pacing back and forth as the coffee machine Thomas had gotten him worked it's magic.

Alex turned to Thomas, his fury made obvious by the expression on his face. "Alexander, please, let me explain," Thomas begged.

Alex's face scrunched into a sneer. "You mean you don't think you've said enough?" he spat. Thomas flinched as though he'd been struck, even though he understood where Alex was coming from.

"Alex, I didn't mean it. You know I didn't mean it," he insisted, stepping forward towards his lover. Alexander's harsh laugh rang through the room.

"We both know that you don't say things you don't mean. It's what sparked our arguments before we dated and, evidently, it still is!" he argued, his voice rising as he backed away.

Thomas's face crumpled and he looked down sadly. "I was caught up in the heat of the moment. I never meant to call you that I swear," he whispered. "Alex, you've got to believe me."

Alex started to look uncertain but continued to walk backwards into the corner of the room. "It doesn't matter that you didn't mean to say it, Tommy," he replied, his voice just as quiet as his lover's. "What matters right now is that you did say it."

Thomas nodded, his eyes still on the floor. "But I swear, Alex, if I knew that it would have such a massive effect on you, even when I was angry I would never have said it," he promised, risking a step closer.

Alex hissed and Thomas froze, his head snapping up to look him in the eye. "Stay where you are," he said, no trace of fear in his voice, but his eyes wild with it. Thomas nodded, "Okay, okay."

Alex took a shaky breath and took a tiny step forward. "Now you," he instructed. Thomas understood immediately and took a small step towards Alex.

Alexander stepped forward again, a slightly bigger step this time and nodded for Thomas to do the same. They repeated the pattern until there was barely any space left between them.

Thomas leaned down and rested his forehead on Alex's. "I'm sorry," he whispered. "I will never, ever say it again."

~Two years later (They're married now)~

"God, you're such a fucking disappointment! You can never do anything can you? I ask you for one thing, ONE THING, and you can't do it? I thought I could trust you and you disappointed me," Thomas hissed, not even looking at his husband.

Alex had tears in his eyes and he just walked away. Thomas called after him, "Yeah, just walk away, like you always do! You can't even argue anymore. What happened to you? You used to be fun but now, you're nothing."

Alex whirled back around, tears streaming down his face. "You promised. You promised you would never call me that again, not even when you were angry! John was right, I never should have trusted you," he yelled, his voice quietening to a bitter mutter.

Thomas replayed his words over in his head, still shaking in anger. "You're such a fucking disappointment!" played on repeat in his head, reminding him of the first time he ever said it. (Flashback to beginning of story).

Thomas's head snapped to his husband who had slumped down the wall of their upstairs corridor, head in his hands and he was obviously crying. "Alex-" he started before cutting himself off.

Thomas moved up the stairs and down the hall, sitting down right next to Alexander. There was silence (bar Alex's crying) for a couple of minutes before Thomas spoke up. "You know, when I was a kid, I was an insomniac. And one night, while my parents thought I was asleep, they had an argument. A proper, all guns blazing, argument. I watched from the top of the stairs as my dad yelled all the things that he knew made my mom cry. And she sat there, yelling back at him through her tears, both of them forgetting that they had kids. And he hit her. And right there, little eight year old me promised myself and my future partner, well, at the time I thought it would be a girl, that I would never hit them or make them cry like that. Eight year old me would be very disappointed in me now," Thomas said, letting out a dry chuckle at the end.

Alex had listened to his story in silence. Then he replied with his own tale. "Before my dad left he was an abusive asshole. He used to hit me and my mom and my brother regularly if we messed up his twisted idea of a "perfect family". He used to yell stuff like that too like, "You've disappointed me yet again Alexander," or "Disappointment! That's what you are! A disappointment!" until that was all I could hear or think about. For years I couldn't accept praise from male teachers or male classmates because all I was ever told at home by my main male figure was that I was a disappointment. Even after he left and Mom died and James drowned and Peter killed himself, the clearest memory of my childhood was that I was a disappointment. Even now, I struggle with father figures. You've seen me and Washington first hand. I can't cope with having a parent or even being one because of him and I'm scared, Thomas. I want to have a kid with you, but I'm terrified that I'll turn out the way my father did," Alex whimpered.

Thomas wrapped his arms around him quickly and held him until he was calm again. "Is that why you didn't want me to come closer last time? Why you wanted to be in control if the distance between us? Because I swear, to both you and eight year old me, that I will never stoop as low as hitting. Unless you want me too," he finished with a smirk and wiggled his eyebrows.

Alex laughed and pushed his head away. "What the hell, Thomas?" he asked, giggling. "And I know that you wouldn't hit me because I trust you. I'm sorry for freaking out about it at dinner. I think, maybe, that I'd like to try. I know that it's not something I can just quit, but I have you," he said, his voice quiet.

"And you're not him, Alex," Thomas reminded him. "And I'm not him," Alex agreed. "We could maybe talk to someone about adoption tomorrow, if you wanted? Or we could ask kne of our friends to carry a kid for us? Or we could just talk more about it in the morning because I'm really tired?"

Thomas laughed and helped his tiny husband up. "Come on, silly. Let's go to bed," he said, leading the way to their bedroom. "Oh, and Alexander?"

"Yeah?"

"You're not a disappointment."