blurred devotion. brent faiyaz.

.《 10 》

i rubbed my eyes to remove the fog from them & sat up. the blinds were wide open & the sun was beaming on me.

' ugh ' i thought, as i got up with the bed sheet around me to close the curtains. last night's dream was another nightmare. i then walked to my dresser & picked out a matching pastel blue pj set. i walked to my bathroom & brushed my teeth. i finally realized that brent was no where to be seen in the house. i walked out of the bathroom puzzled wit the toothbrush still in my mouth. i could barely walk & my insides as well as inner thighs were sore. i made my way to the kitchen removing the toothbrush from out of my mouth to find a note that was placed on my fruit rack.

___

' yo i had to leave early , but i'll get back to you . later. ' - brent

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i balled it up, threw it in the garbage, & made my way back to the bathroom. as i finished my hygiene, i thought about me and brent, & what could become of us. i quickly shooed away the thought & made my way to the kitchen. i went inside my fridge to find something to fill me up. i decided on a strawberry banana smoothie bowl. as i made my breakfast, i felt a little heavy. it was as if my heart felt heavy. my mind wandered to my mother's text message.

i cleaned up my mess, placed my food on the table & went into my room to retrieve my phone. as i walked back to the dining room, i went through my messages & opened up my moms. i started at it. blankly. it's been 2 years since i moved away from new york. it's been 2 years since i saw my family.

i started to type. all that could be heard was my acrylics hitting my phone screen as i sent my message.

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me - hey mom, i'll try & see when. how's everybody?

___

i locked my phone & dug my spoon into my bowl. i looked out the window & stared at the trees, rays of sunlight, & the leaves that had fell on my balcony. my mind proceeded to the thoughts that i had tried so hard to surpess years ago. which still haunted me to this day.

• flashback •

' please let me go, i gotta see my baby. ' i fanatically tried to push away the police officers that held me back. ' my baby is in there please, let me go ! '
the officer tightened his grip, ' ma'am please you cannot enter the crime scene. ' i pushed and pulled untill finally i was out his grasp. i ran past & under the yellow caution tape. blurring red & blue lights fogged up my vision. i ran to the upside down car & dropped to my knees.
' netty, netttyy. ' i cried.
' netty, please baby don't leave momma. '
my breathing heaved as i cried harder & harder. tears streamed down my face & shattered glass started to become stuck on my legs.
i tried to grab my daughter's lifeless hand, but was roughly pulled back by the officers who once had me.
' nooooo my baby needs me noooooo, let me goooo pleasee i begg let me see my baby ! '

• end of flashback •

tears streamed down my face & dripped down my chin. i threw my spoon in the bowl & raised my hands to cover my whole face. i silently cried into the palm of my hands. i cried harder & harder as i dragged myself to my room. i sunk to my knees & opened up the bottom drawer of my dresser.

a picture of my babygirl smiled back at me.

dana ' netty ' williams.
r.i.p

was what the big bold letters stated making me sob harder. i traced her smile & teardrops fell onto the picture frame. my 2 year old daughter fatally died in a car crash due to a collision with a truck driver & the person that was driving being intoxicated. that person was the father. who survived. he was a drunk & an addict.
i leaned back on my bed frame & held the picture close to my chest.
' my baby i'm so sorry. i hope your doing well up there baby. i love you. ' i cried to myself.

the funeral was painful. the condolences. when they lowered her in the ground. i broke. i was never the same. my heart remained heavy. from that point on, i sustained from sex. i sustained from drinking. & much more. i moved from new york to atlanta. i couldn't handle the feeling of being there.

from that moment on, i hated the babyfather. he was jailed & i couldn't care less. he deserved much much worse.