blurred devotion. brent faiyaz.

.《 13 》

i stared blankly at my wall. so many thoughts, were racing in my mind & i was beginning to feel overwhelmed from it all. i quickly sat up & felt my breathing stagger. i rubbed my temples & closed my eyes trying to find a steady pattern of breath.

i opened my eyes back up, while continuing to rub my temples as i made my way to the living room.

' norbit ' was playing on the tv & i grabbed the remote to lower the volume. after that, i opened my sliding door that gave me access to the balcony & i sat down. i relaxed my body on my yoga mat & crossed my legs. i closed my eyes & began to breathe.

while clearing my mind, i focused on my steady breathing. ever since, i lost my daughter i had to go to therapy & find other healthy ways to cope. certain things were never enough, until i started to learn about meditation, sound healing, painting, & prayer. i never really grew up in a religious household let alone spiritual. it was always, ' the big man don't help me why should i follow him. ' my father used those words whenever i got curious & asked. my mother was a coke addict. she believed in nothing other then her drugs.

ever since 16, i knew i was on my own. my family was broken & dysfunctional. the only person that i could only rely on. vent to. show genuine love to was my brother. michael. that's when my first loss came into place. i had lost him in a drive by shoot out. he was so full of life & love. he was the only one that i could trust other then amriah. then he was gone. it cracked me. my father was too busy with his business & my mother could be found sniffing her drug. not even caring her baby left this world.

my dislike & need to be distant from my family grew stronger. then i met my babyfather. he seemed so real, so genuine. an escape from my troubles. an escape from the hood. he was so flattering at first. then bits of him started to unwind & i then started to see him for who he truly is. a mean bastard who's a drunk & a coke addict. he abused me. physically & emotionally. he verbally abused me as well, calling me worthless. telling me to kill myself.

he raped me. & i had no one there to help. & that's how i conceived my baby. my seed grew & grew. & each day he told me how i should get an abortion, that my child was a devil, that my child would grow up to be nothing. i felt myself crumble each and every day with him. my father had no time for me, my mother once again was more possessive & focused on her drugs then her own kids.

giving birth to my child, i had no one there with me, just my bestfriend amirah. i was in the delivery room, in pain, crying, & begging for help. baby daddy was in the strip club having the time of his life while i was in pain. not even my parents came. i gave birth to my baby with the help amriah. i remember the first time i held her. she was silent & she stared at me with her beautiful big black eyes. i knew from that moment on that i had to be strong.

i had to survive for her. i was to be her role model & if i was, i was sure as hell gon be a good one. from that day, i promised to women up & start doing shit that benefitted my baby & i. no one else mattered. i moved into my own apartment in new york still away from my family & evil baby father & raised my daughter there.

we were so happy. i was content. i was completely independent & it felt like a breath of fresh air. my baby's first word was pizza.

i laughed as i recalled the memory.

her first steps were towards my bestfriend amirah. she started going to school & loved it.

dana williams. my babygirl. i used to call her netty after my great grandmother's name as a nickname. she was such a happy child. an innocent one.

however, all of that went downhill after the father decided to pick up my daughter without my permission. netty only saw her dad once in a blue moon when he felt like he wanted to see her. most of the times he came, he tried to ask me for sex. i always threw his ass out my house.

but, netty had got into the backseat of a car that was being driven by her high & drunk father. i never understood how they could've allowed him to taker her in that state. he drove & drove speeding past red lights. & then all at once he crashed. crashed right into a moving truck. i could only imagine how much fear my babygirl was in.

from that point on, i packed my things & flew out to atlanta. i needed to be away from everything in new york. i couldn't stand being there. my ptsd grew stronger after the move & i had to book countless therapy sessions to help me cope. amriah decided to pack her things as well & move with me to atlanta. she helped me through so much. shit i never would've thought that i could get out of.

i opened my eyes & felt tears streaming down my face, as i recalled back my past. i wiped them & tried to re-steady my breaths. my mom calling me only made things worse for me. it was bringing back emotions i fought to hard to get rid of.

i stood up from the mat & made my way back inside. i tried to clear my mind from all the things that was hurting me. i checked my phone on my bed & looked at the message notifications.

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amriah 💖 - yoo bestii !

amriah 💖 - sainttt 😤

amriah 💖 - you good ? how you feeling ?

amriah 💖 - i gotta stay at my job a lil longer boo. but i'll call when im done.

amriah 💖 - saint, GET THE FUCK BACK TO ME ! im getting worried.

4 missed calls from .. amriah 💖 .

2 voicemails from .. amriah 💖 .

____

i pressed amirah's name to call her back & raised the phone to my ear. as my call went through, i scratched my back & started walking to my living room.

' girl you good ? ' amriah quickly picked up the phone. i chuckled.
' yes sis i am, i was just meditating my bad for making you worry. '
' saint, don't apologize as long as you good. i'm still at my photoshoot though & i might just go back to my own crib for tha night. '

amriah was a rising model & i was so proud of her for following her desired dream.

' ah alright that's cool. make sure you stay safe tho. ' i responded.
' also ' i said. ' if you need a ride call me. '
' i think i'll be good bestfriend. but i'll call you when i leave. '

' alright den. '

i heard people in the back calling amriah's name.

' alright saint, love you. '
' luh you too. '
i hung up & placed my phone of the sofa. i laid back & relaxed my body putting the volume up on my tv. i continued to watch the rest of my movie & chillaxed. my mind had settled & my body felt a little drained.

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{ unedited }
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