You Are On My Mind

Follow The Fears

*Trigger warning: Attempted suicide. Nothing bad (like almost dying) happens. Skip if this makes you uncomfortable.*

Danny sighed as he stared at the tv, not caring what the latest celebrity said or did. He switched the channel; watching Alton Brown talk about the perfect way to make a lemon meringue pie wasn't as funny as he would normally find the cook. The sweepstakes always made his stomach turn.
Resolutely, Danny stood up, and walked to the kitchen. He was going to need something stronger than beer. He grabbed the bottle of vodka he kept under the sink behind the dishwasher detergents. He traipsed to the bedroom, and stood in front of his nightstand. Smiling, he ran his finger over the picture of his wife, smiling widely at the camera, as if she was laughing. Her blonde hair reached her shoulders, and it matched her red top perfectly. She wore dark blue jeans and open-toed high heeled shoes.
Danny picked up the picture, smiling fondly before swallowing thickly. He closed his eyes and trekked out the apartment door, but came immediately back in. He needs to do one more thing before he left.....
**************
Linda walked into the apartment she shared with her husband around five thirty. She had picked up a rotisserie chicken on her way home. "Honey! I'm home!" She tossed her keys in the little dish. Walking further into the apartment, she called his name. "Danny! Don't you want ta say hello?" She placed the few bags onto the counter, then took her purse off her shoulder. "Danny?" She walked into the main room, surveying the area. She looked through the apartment, wondering where her husband had gone. She almost missed the torn white piece of paper on the dresser near the picture of their wedding.

Dear Linda,
I love you so much, baby. I really do. I swear I do. But you deserve so much better. So I'm settin' you free.
Remember I love you more than life itself.
Your husband,
Danny

Linda looked confused, turning the piece of paper over to see if there was any sort of clue. She thought about what the note could mean. Setting you free.... You deserve so much better..... Love you more than life itself...
Quickly the blonde ran out of the bedroom and out the door. She ran to the stairs, skipping two at a time. She prayed her instincts were wrong; she prayed her husband wasn't that stupid; she prayed she wasn't too late.
Linda took a deep breath before opening the door to the roof. She immediately shivered as the cold November wind whipped her hair around her face. She saw a figure sitting in the edge, and she felt her stomach lurch. Quietly, she walked up to him. "Danny? Honey?" She cursed inwardly when she saw that is was definitely her husband.
Danny didn't answer right away.
"Why don't we go inside? Y'know, where's there heat?" She saw the vodka bottle in his hand, when did we buy that? Why do we even have it?
Danny scoffed, shaking his head. "Sometimes I wonder what'll happen if I follow my fears all the way down."
"Danny.... if you're scared, you need to talk to me, so I can help. But let's go inside-"
"What's the point?"
"Point? It's warm inside, and there's a floor."
"What's the point? What's the point of living, when all you can see is death?"
Linda looked down, she knew he was talking about Fallujah. "I'm sorry, I swish there was something I could do.... let's go inside and talk about it."
As if he hadn't heard her, he nearly moaned, "sometimes I wonder what'll happen if I follow my fears all the way down." He repeated himself from earlier.
The blonde couldn't hide the tears that had been quietly coming. She pleaded with him, "Danny, please!"
He looked at her, as if he was surprised to see her cry.
"If you go down, then you're a coward! And you can't leave! You have to be there for Nicky's birthday. You have to be there for your dad's upcoming promotion. For Jamie's big presentation, for Erin's big case coming up." At this point, Linda was trying anything to keep Danny from going over. "You have to be there for our baby!" That wasn't supposed to come out....
Danny looked at Linda; he wasn't sure her face was red because of the cold or because of the tears. "What? Baby?" He swung his legs over the side, landing on the roof. "Our baby? One we made?" He watched Linda nod ferociously, her tears coming fast and not stopping. "You're pregnant?"
She nodded, wiping her face. "Yeah!"
"Oh, honey!" He hugged her tightly, then backed away. "Do you need anything? Want something? Let's go inside and get you warmed."
While leading her by the hand to the stairs, Linda smiled a little deviously. She didn't want to tell him about the baby that way, but it worked- he got down from the ledge.
************
"I'm sorry," Danny sighed as he held Linda in his arms after they had eaten dinner. He lazily traced nonsense patterns on her arm. "I don't know why I....." he let his sentence hang. "It's just.... ugh."
Linda felt a tearful lump in her throat; she knew Iraq had done a number on her husband, but she had no idea he carried around such demons. She gave sporadic kisses across his chest atop the red sweater he wore. Her arm snakes around his waist, holding him tightly. "I'm sorry, Danny. I'm sorry you carry around such awful demons.... but, ugh, you have to come to me when you feel like that. I can help....." she paused, thinking about what to say next. "I know you don't like talking about your feelings.... but I really need to know."
He kissed her head, "I never know how to express feelings."
"You did a pretty good job at our wedding." She tried to make him smile.
"I rehearsed that a lot."
"Danny..." Linda sat up, "where you ever good at writing essays?"
Danny laughed, "are you kidding? My essays were awful! Nothing flowed."
"Thoughts in a diary don't have to flow."
He looked at her, wondering where her thoughts were headed.
"Look, when my parents divorced, I was devastated, even though they treated me like trash. I was... well, you know what happened."
"I do."
"A friend of mine told me to start writing what I feel in my diary. Since I wrote about everything else in my life, they said I shouldn't skip this one. So I did. I wrote and wrote and wrote. I even wrote some songs.... but I felt better. Once it was on paper, it felt like I could breathe again."
"And you're thinkin' I should do that?"
"It might help." She shrugged, hoping it would.
After a long pause, Danny gathered her into his arms. "Thank you. For everything. For putting up with me." He kissed her lips, pressing her into the mattress.