You Are On My Mind

October 10

Dear Diary,
Remember twenty years ago- has it really been that long?! Twenty years ago, I made the greatest decision of my life. Twenty years ago, I obsessively documented my day in an old diary. I also happen to have tapes of me just crying. Every time the camera turned to me, I was bawling. I was losing it.

"Mrs. Tony O'Shea requests the honor of your presence at the marriage of her daughter, Linda Rose to Daniel Fitzgerald Reagan, on Thursday, October 10, nineteen hundred and ninety six..."

I got married that day to one of five of the last gentlemen in this world.... or so I thought. I got married to Daniel Fitzgerald Reagan, and I've stayed married to that wonderful man. A lot has happened since I said 'I do'. In December '96, Danny and I got pregnant, even though I didn't know till February. On May 18, we lost the baby. It was a still birth at six months, caused by hysteria and stress. We named the baby Ella. It took me years to accept it wasn't my fault.

In March of 2000, I discovered I was pregnant again. I was down right frightened this time. What if the same thing that happened last time happened again? What if I didn't even make it to the second trimester? All these awful thoughts swarmed my head, but three important people- two of which are very important- told me to stop thinking that way. My doctor told me to stop because I could actually freak out and have another delivery like the last one. Mary told me that I had to take care of me in order to take care of the baby. I had to stop worrying myself so I could start focusing on my health. Danny told me I needed to listen to his mother, I needed to calm down, and I needed to know that if I should miscarry again, he would still love me. And that stuck. Since then, whenever I'm worried about something that I have control over, and I worry it could go wrong, Danny always tells me, "succeed or fail, I will still love you." So with after a full term pregnancy full of love and support, we welcomed John Joseph Reagan into the world on October 22nd, 2000. Was it really sixteen years ago? Writing this is making me feel old... but writing this and thinking about where life has taken us has also led me to the realization that Jack is every bit of a gentleman as the Reagan men before him.

Fast forward three years later, and on May 2003, after the world was finally getting back to normal (relatively), we discovered I was pregnant again. This time, I was extremely happy and excited. Turns out my excitement lasted for three days, because with that baby came nausea and terrible mood swings, and days I couldn't function. The pregnancy was hard, the labor was hard. I had to be induced because he wasn't willing to come out on his own. After a very, very, very stressful and scary birth, Sean Conner Riley Reagan was born. And just like Jack, he's grown into a perfect gentleman. Now I have to worry about them dating. Oy.....

Danny went to war in early 2004. Mary died 2005, then Joe in 2009. Jamie graduated the police academy in 2010. Five years later, I get shot. It was scary, and I've written and talked about it a lot. Danny and I are still working through it, but we're both learning to be more patient and understanding with each other.

October 10, 2016, and in a few minutes, Danny and I are going out for an anniversary dinner. I love that man with my entire being, and I want twenty more years with him. I want to wake up next to him every morning and fall asleep in his arms every night for the rest of my life. Tonight, not only am I gonna tell him how much I love him and what he means to me, but I'm going to show him as well.

I, Linda Rose O'Shea Reagan, love Daniel Fitzgerald Reagan with all my heart, and I vow to do whatever I can to honor, love, and cherish you until I take my dying breath.

Forever and always,
Linda