Shut Up, Padfoot!

58

Lily

I wonder if I was never Lily Evans.

Regular muggle girl or pure blooded witch. Never by the name of Lily. Maybe I wouldn't have suffered the pain in my life. Everything was so mundane up until fifth year.

Cry's powers developed even more and at times I was jealous. I wanted to harness a power so strong that the limits of how far I can go were out of sight. I wanted to push my body to extremities.

But when I watched her spiral, the envy vanished. She slowly couldn't reach her sanity anymore and her system became weak. She was in pain constantly. I was disappointed that I would ever wish to be in her place. Good and bad to suddenly change mindsets.

It's chilling to look at the places she once passed, sat in, slept in. Especially now when I stare at the filling bath.

She almost drowned here.

But yet, I'm undressing and getting ready to enter the bath. I pulled my hair up into a bun, the baby hairs on the back of my neck slipped from the hair tie. Quietly, I sunk my toe in the water.

The surface rippled and I lowered myself. The water leveled to my waist, warm bubbles floating upwards and surrounding my body.

The ends of hair strands soaked and pressed against my skin. Silence of the lavatory amplified the creaks and sways of the building. Formulating evening reflecting against the mosaic window.

"How are you, Cry?" I murmured.

My voice pierced the thick quiet and it didn't even sound like mine. Complete unfamiliarity and hoarse strangeness. The dissociation of my own self increases. I'm losing my identity.

Soap thread between my fingers and pressed along my palm. I tread close to the wall and breathed in.

"What if you're alive?" I began.

She never replies. It's a heartbreaking unrequited conversation. If I could just hear a syllable, a letter, a breath.. But my words are the only ones being said.

"What I saw in the train station wasn't true? An illusion? A trick of the eye? And you're perfectly fine, hiding.." I continued.

It's pathetic, really. I talk to myself in my most vulnerable moments. No one to witness and respond. Not anyone there to promise me it'll be okay. Almost like there was no one there to begin with.

Crazy how fleeting a lifetime can be.

She was gone just like that. Just like that.

In a second, she breathed in but the exhale never came out. Her eyelids fluttered but stopped forever. Her blood gashed from her side even when she stopped moving.

It felt surreal. Like what I was seeing wasn't true. Maybe it wasn't. Maybe my eyes were set on someone I didn't know. Or maybe she was never real. Like a dream ended badly upon the crack of dawn.

"Should I stop talking about it? Should I heal? Should I hang out with Sirius when he asks? Or should I just exist?" I pondered.

Now it's just me.

I was never as close to the Marauders as I was with Cry. I can't just suddenly decide to be friends with them now that she's gone. It'll seem like I'm taking advantage of her death.

It's been a while since the day outside. When I cried and made a mess of myself just to be cared for like a little girl by James. Maybe it's just me, but it got fairly awkward afterward. He seems like he didn't mind but me being in the position just is so embarrassing.

"James isn't that bad of a guy, Cry. I should've listened to you."

I pushed down into the water. My mouth submerged and I breathed through my nose. I blew some bubbles and listened to the subtle pops.

Is it selfish of me to want a relationship now? To go after someone equally hurt and in the same process of healing? Wouldn't that be taking advantage of him? What if I don't even want him in the end?

Lifting my head, liquid trickled down the corner of my mouth. I wiped my lip with my thumb, staring at the other side of the bath.

"If you're listening, love, please just give me a sign that you're okay. Not disturbed, you know?" I pleaded.

I didn't say anything anymore. My eyes scanned the entire room, waiting for something. I don't even know if I believe something could happen.

A few moments passed and the room is just as still as it was before I uttered the question. I sighed, floating back to the side of the bath. I brought myself out, splashes of water getting on the border of the area.

Tugging my towel on, I pat my skin dry. Droplets still dripped down but it's fine. I don't have enough will to get them all. My feet skid on the ground as I looked for my clothes. I forgot where I set them.

I peered to the side of the bath but didn't catch sight of it. With a frown, I turned around to the mirrors. Eyes skipping over sinks to see if I put them there.

Personally, I didn't think the water was that hot but all the mirrors were foggy. I walked over there, getting ready to wipe one down and see my reflection.

What is that?

Narrowing my eyes, I tried to register what was on the mirror. My bare feet stopped when my hip pressed into the sink.

An arrow pointing to the left was drawn in the fog. It seeped down when the steam would let up. I turned my head to the direction it was in, looking.

My clothes.

On the closed trash can, my clothes were on the lid.

Was this the sign I was looking for?

Is this her? Did she draw the arrow in the fog? I guess it's up to what I think. If I believe it's her.. then it might as well be.

"That's such an ominous sign, Cry," I said.

I laughed out loud. It was weird to hear my own laughter. Been a while..

-lana