4. Memories and Feelings That Still Haunt Me

He Was So Nice For An Asshole

01.09.20

I was a Jess

I was a vintage girl

All soft and kind

I crocheted

And Taylor was my jam

He was every bad boy in every romance novel

Drugs were his getaway

Washed down with another pint

He saw my picture and said 'she'll do'

Then we started chatting

We were just supposed to be casual

We didn't know just how attached we'd get

Dark secrets were told

And political meme's were sent

He was the first guy to tell me I'm cute

We saw eye to eye on everything

Even when he tore down the stuff I liked

And the music I listened too

He forced his opinions on me

And I just agreed, like a sweet naive child

We talked all the time, about anything

Slow but surely I changed myself

To fit with him and his image

I didn't want to fight, so I just agreed

He sent me music and I liked it

I stopped listening to Taylor

And blasted my ears with noise

He would talk about me all the time

He wanted to help fix me

But my wounds were still too fresh

I relied on him, that was my first mistake

But God, he was so nice

He was the first person I'd go to

He talked me off the edge

He genuinely wanted to help me and keep me safe

God I liked him

Then I found out he fucked her

Man I was a mess

But we still made up

We couldn't not talk to each other

We were too attached

To our strange conversations

He already made it clear 'I wasn't viable'

But when he finally said it he was too late

I was with someone else

Maybe it would've saved me the heartache

If I went with him

If he wasn't so fucked up I think I'd fuck him all the time

But I changed my whole personality

I jeopardized who I was because I was too scared he'd reject me

But he was, amazing

Or maybe I was too trusting

But we trusted each other

I played his game for months

But he was still the first person I'd go to

I thought I was myself with him

It was like we were each other's emergency contact

But that was all

I felt like I lost my mind with him

Yet he kept me calm, almost sane

I haven't thought about him in months

Now suddenly I can't sleep

I just reminisce

For some reason it hurts

And I'm crying

For such an asshole

He was so nice