i'm still in love with you || jolivia au

lets talk 💜

hey guys! today's chapter is going to be a bit more on the serious side since I've got positive feedback about opening up a bit about my Epilepsy. I realised that with social media and TV shows, there are numerous common misconceptions about Epilepsy.

So i thought i would share some details about my Epilepsy today because i'm trying to be more vulnerable. Now I know for some people topics like this can be a sensitive or triggering topic, so if that's you then wait for later today when I'll be uploading the next chapter :)

But for now, I just want to talk about Epilepsy, for spreading awareness is very close to my heart. I am an ambassador for the Epilepsy Foundation, so i actually feel pretty comfortable now opening up about this. So i guess i'll start from the beginning lol.

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I remember having my first seizure, the summer before 5th grade. We had just got back from a trip to England the day before and decided to go food shopping. I remember feeling a little zoned out and not being able to buckle my seatbelt.

My Mum says she thought my blood sugar was low, so she gave me a bottle of orange juice. Apparently, I had it on my lap and was saying "where is it?" and "I can't find it". My Mum says that's when she realised something must be wrong. I started to talk funny, so she came to my side of the car to see if i was ok. I started looking up to the right, not being able to look at my Mum. That's when she called 911.

(I'll skip the next few details because it's sensitive and I don't really feel that comfortable.)

I ended up being taken to the Children's Hospital via ambulance, where they ran a bunch of tests on me. The next day they came to the conclusion that i have Focal Onset Epilepsy.

Now if you don't know what that is, neither do i so...

Fast forward to 7th grade and i've been on medication for roughly 4 or 5 years now. I'm controlled on meds, and some of my closest friends know about my Epilepsy but it's still by biggest insecurity. Now i've always kind of been a part of the "popular" group. And the whole 7th grade year, I worked my a$$ off trying to separate from them (I did and now I have the best friends I could ask for shout out to The Buttcheeks Cult). I knew they wouldn't judge me, but I still felt anxious about it. Oh btw, I go to a school that specializes in helping kids who learn differently. Ex: kids with dyslexia, ADD, ADHD, anxiety, etc. so I knew that almost everyone was on medication and it was "normal". BUT the boys always made fun of people with Epilepsy. They would act out what they consider to be a seizure by shaking wildly or dropping to the floor. i remember always tensing up, but feeling like i couldn't say anything. Finally, over the summer before high school, I made an instagram post coming clean about my Epilepsy.

I. Was. Terrified.

Long story short, everyone knows now and is super supportive. I'm so incredibly proud of myself and happy that I did it, but i'm still insecure about it. I always worry if I'm going to have a seizure when my parents aren't around. I haven't had a seizure in almost 2 years which is amazing!!!

But...it's still scary. I see a Neurologist (basically a brain doctor), and I'm not allowed to go in water without an adult watching (which sucks for pool parties. imagine having your mum sit on the side being like "hi you good?". yeh it's awkward), i'm not allowed to go horse riding, not supposed to do rock climbing (but I do cus its fun so...), and I need at least 9 hours of sleep (fatigue is a HUGE trigger for my seizures).

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People often ask me what a seizure is like. And they are sometimes shocked to find out that not everybody has it the same....

Personally, when I have a seizure I completely zone out. I can tell when I'ma bout to have a seizure around 10 seconds before it happens. Everything goes darker in colour, and I look up to my right, not being able to move my eyes.

Next thing i know, I wake up usually on some type of bed. i have no idea what my name is, or who even my parents are. I always am aware that I know and love them, but I don't know who they are.

i always have a migraine which is basically a horrendous headache. It honestly feels like a brick is being thrown at your head so yeh...fun....

The problem is i then start crying since I don't know where I am or what's happened, which makes the migraine worse.

Waking up after having a seizure is the most terrifying thing i have experienced. People say "oh i totally understand", but the thing is you don't. You can never understand unless you have one for yourself. Some people have said "oh you're just being dramatic" when i tell them about my seizures. And to that I say: Do you know what it's like to wake up, not knowing what's happened to you and not knowing your name? Not knowing who your family is or if you even have a family? Not knowing if you're safe? Do you know what it's like feeling like you're living in a nightmare, not being able to wake up? If you don't, then please i don't need ur comments

😭😭😭💀💀

ok ok i think that's enough for today because I'm starting to get passionate.

ill cya guys later :)

cordially uncordial,

katie xx

PS: Comment your biggest insecurity. We can help each other. It can be as simple as not liking a spot on your face that won't go away or having something bigger like dyslexia. just remember that all insecurities are valid. And anyone who tells you otherwise is, well, kind of a twat.

OK BYEEEEEEE