Forever Lost

Chapter 1

I cry until the early hours of the morning, the pain of losing Flynn to another girl has broken me. I get off the floor and brush my teeth. I need to be strong for Miley.
      I leave the bathroom and start making Miley some breakfast. I pull myself on the counter as her breakfast is cooking. I look at the bracelet, I love it so much that it hurts me to take it off but I do. I hold it in my hand for the longest time.
     I remove the engagement ring and clutch them both to my chest. Everything fucking hurts, how can I cope? I pull off the ring he gave me for Christmas. I should give them back to him but I can't, not yet. I hide them in the kitchen draw out of sight out of mind.
    ME- Can you watch Miley while I run?
   TYLER- Christ, you woke me up. When? X
   ME- ASAP.
   TYLER- Give me twenty. I expect coffee and breakfast waiting. X
   ME- K.
   I put my phone down and make more mixture for the waffles for Tyler. Miley comes out of her room and she comes to me and I jump off the counter and lift her up. "Mommy?" she frowns.
    "I'm good, Honey. How are you?"
    "Okay, where's Flynn?"
   "Not sure, Honey."
   "Is he not spending the day with us?"
   "No baby," I bury my face in her neck.
   "Why not?"
   "Do you remember me saying I will always be here for you no matter what?" I remove my face from her neck and she nods. "Flynn and I broke up. I want you to know, I will always be here for you and this will always be your home with me. And you can see Flynn whenever you want."
    "You broke up? Why? You can't."
    "Sometimes things don't work out baby. But we both love you, that will never change." I reassure her and she clings to my neck.
    The front door opens and Tyler walks in. I serve their breakfast and make Tyler a coffee. "Honey, I'm going for a run, Uncle Tyler will watch you for half an hour or so and we can do something fun, okay?"
    She doesn't let go of my neck, "What's up kid?" Tyler asks.
    "Flynn left Mommy!" she whimpers.
   "What?" Tyler asks.
   "Don't," I warn him.
   "Lee, I. . ." I lower Miley onto his lap and I go to the bedroom and dress in my workout clothes. The bedroom door opens and Tyler walks in. "What the hell happened?"
   "He kissed Scarlett and he wants to explore his feelings for her," I growl.
   "But he loves you." He urges.
   "Not enough obviously. It's better this way, it was inevitable. You never wanted us together. I want him to be happy, I need that for him."
    He tries to hug me but I push him off me. "Don't push me out, Lee."
   "You were never in. You were only close because of him and now he took that Riley with him. I am broken and there is nothing you can do about it."
    "Lee," he sighs.
   "My name is Riley! I am stone cold, my heart stopped beating when he left. It fucking hurts," I clutch my chest. "I've shut it all out, I turned the switch off."
    "Fuck," he growls. I push passed him and I exit the bedroom. I walk to the door and slide my trainers on.
     "See you soon, baby." I blow her a kiss as she sits on the sofa watching TV. She catches the kiss and I leave the apartment with the dog. Tears flow again and I hurry outside. I pick up a run and feel the burn in my lungs.
     Did I let him go too easily? He was the one that made me feel, he made me the better version of myself. How could he do this to me? How could he do this to us? How is Scarlett anything compared to us? I don't understand why he would want to explore the feelings he has for her when we are or was so strong and connected. I know I won't find anything like that again.
     Once I'm all burned out and he's out of my system I run back to the apartment. Miley is still on the couch and Tyler is sat next to her. Tyler looks up at me and jumps over the couch to me. I put my hand out to stop him and he stops in front of me. He pulls me back into my bedroom and I glare at him. "You aren't turning back to her, are you?"
    "Turn back? I was always in here. It's who I am!"
   "No, it's not, we finally got you back and what? You are going back to the dark Riley because he left you?"
    "It hurts, this is the only way. To push everyone out. I can't be Flynn's Riley without him." A tear escapes my eye and he softens.
    "Please, don't do this," he begs and I walk out of the bedroom and Miley isn't in here. My heart beats frantically and I run to her room and it's empty.
    "Miley?" I call. I check the bathroom and she's not here. "Miley!" I scream. Tyler runs back into the living room, "She's not here, Tyler!" I run to the front door and call for her. I run to Tyler's apartment, it's the only logical place she would be.
     The living room is empty and I run into Flynn's room without knocking and I'm knocked on my ass from what I see. Flynn and Scarlett naked in bed and I hold my mouth. Miley is crying on Flynn's lap who's under the covers and Scarlett is trying to cover herself. "Riley?" Flynn says awkwardly.
     "I can't," I stand up and walk past Tyler who seems in shock too. "Please bring her home when she's done." He tries to stop me but I can't get the image out of my head. He worked quickly; I know he's a charmer but fuck. I enter my apartment and nausea hits. I run to the bathroom and I vomit over and over.
      I try sweeping my hair out the way. I hear the front door open and I hear Tyler call my name. I continue to puke in the toilet and the bathroom door opens. "Sis? Are you okay?"
    "No, is Miley okay?"
    "She's upset but Flynn has it under control. She wants to spend the day with him."
    Once my stomach is empty I get up and brush my teeth. "Okay, gives me time to get some stuff from the mall."
    "Let me drive you," he offers.
    "No! I don't need you. I can walk!" he sighs.
    "Let me come with you then. We can walk together." I roll my eyes and leave the bathroom to my bedroom. I change into some jeans and a leather jacket. I slide on some boots and apply makeup. Once I'm done I grab my phone and keys and lock the door.
     Tyler tries to place his arm around me but I push him off me. He keeps looking at me like I'm going to disappear and it's pissing me off. It's dry but cold today but at least I won't get wet. We walk in silence to the mall and I walk to the supermarket.
    I grab a basket and start grabbing some items I need. Tyler tries to take the basket but I push him away. "Just let me help!" he growls.
    "No!" I scream and I head down the hair care section and I scan the hair dyes and I pick up some black dye and Tyler glares at me.
    "No, don't do this Lee. I'm here, I can help you." He can't help me. No one can now.
    "I don't want your help. I need this."
    "Oh, so you are going to let one stupid breakup change you like this. I could understand after the accident but you've come too far to do this."
    "Just some stupid breakup? No, that's not what this is."
    "Then tell me, what is it?"
    "Yesterday was the day I died again. The day that I lost everyone, apart from Miley. She keeps me sober which is good for you, bad for me. I can't accept anyone anymore."
    "You can, why does he make any difference?"
    "Let's just say he was your bridge. Flynn was the bridge to my soul and now he's burned it, it's never coming back." I toss the dye in the basket and keep walking.
     "What if I can get him back for you?" he says in desperation.
    "No, I don't want him back anymore! I won't be anyone's second best. He kissed Scarlett! I can't have been enough! He's never getting close to me. Look how much I meant to him if he's already bedded her! It's been less than 24 hours!"
    "He loves you, I know because I hated it for so long! Sis, please this is on me."
    I turn to face him. "What are you saying?" Guilt is plastered on his face. Well, he's going to have to live with his mistakes.
    "I told him I'd never be okay with you guys. If this is what you become without him I will accept it. I can make him come back to you."
   "This is why you mean nothing to me! So busy caring about yourself to know how other people feel! Well, congrats Tyler, you got your wish! We will never be together, ever again!"
    "But it doesn't have to be that way!"
    "Oh so, if Ruby left you and slept with someone else that she had feelings for and then I said oh I kept you apart but I want you together now. How the fuck would you feel?"
    He frowns, "Fuck, I didn't expect him to sleep with her or anyone."
    "Well, I guess I should thank you for making us all realise his feeling aren't as deep as mine." I walk off but I hear his footsteps behind me.
    "Please sis, stop this."
    "I ain't your sister anymore!" I finish shopping and pay at the till. He stays quiet behind me. I carry the bags and walk out the store. Tyler snatches a bag from me and grabs the box dye and he puts it in the bin and I won't be able to reach it. I roll my eyes, does he think that will stop me?
    I walk through the mall and into a hair salon. "Hi can I help you?" the lady says.
    "Hi, I know I don't have an appointment but I need my hair dyed. I'm happy to pay double time."
    "Actually we've just had a slot open up. Take a seat in the chair over there." I smile and sit in the chair.
    "Lee, don't do this." I don't answer him and the woman comes over to me and starts examining my hair.
   "What are we doing?"
   "Dyed black."
   "Really? Your hair is so nice."
   "Yes, that's what I want," I growl and she nods and leaves us. I look at Tyler by the door and he's on the phone.
      Tyler comes to me and holds the phone out to me. I shake my head whoever it is isn't going to change my mind. He sighs and holds it to my ear. "Riley, don't do this," Flynn says. "I'm sorry for what you saw."
    "Doesn't matter," I mutter.
   "It does, I'm not going to be the reason you do this to yourself."
   "No, don't you get it? You are the reason I changed blonde. Without you, I would still be Black. I can never be your Riley anymore."
    "Fuck, don't say that! Be strong and be the Riley I know you are!"
    "That Riley left with you when you left me. She's gone, and never coming back." I push Tyler away from me and he sighs. The woman helps me in an apron and she starts applying the dye. Too late to back out now not that I am.
    Tyler is still on the phone with Flynn and Tyler seems to be arguing with him. I shut out the whole process and once it's done I feel strangely better. I'm not pretending to be someone I'm not. This is me, without Flynn. I should never have let him change me. I pay for it with my card and I walk out the salon.
    I head back home and once I'm home I am stopped in my tracks with Mom and Dad at my door. They turn to face the elevator when they hear it open and I sigh. Mom gasps and I open my apartment and open the door. "Honey, what have you done?"
   "I'm not doing this with you. I've already argued with Tyler about it. This is me now, no fucker can change me anymore."
    "We came as soon as we heard. I want you all to come home for the weekend. We can talk about this."
    "No, I'm done talking." Tyler comes in my apartment with Flynn and Miley. Miley squeals and runs towards Mom.
     "Nana!" she screams excitedly. Flynn glares at me and I walk into my bedroom away from them. I curl up on my bed and I listen to the chatter in the other room.
    My bedroom door opens and Flynn walks in. I roll my eyes and he sits in front of me. "Riley," he sighs. He goes to touch my face but I push him away. "Don't do this." Back to Riley. When was the last time he addressed me as Riley? Except when he's mad at me.
    "I'm sick of you all judging me. This is me."
   "It's not, you never push me out."
   "Well, you better get used to it."
   "We are going home, get ready." He leaves my room and I walk into the bathroom and into Miley's room. I pack her a bag for the weekend and I call her into her room.
   "Hey baby, I packed you a bag for the weekend. Is there anything else you want to take?"
   "Mommy, why did you dye your hair?" she plays with it in her tiny hands.
   "Moo, I want you to promise me you'll never leave this apartment without telling me where you are going. I was so scared," she climbs on my lap and hugs me.
   "I promise Mommy. I'm sorry."
   "I'm going to miss you so much, baby."
   "What do you mean, Mommy?"
   "You want to go to Nana's right?"
   "Yes," she beams.
   "Then you'll go with them."
   "But you aren't coming?" I hope she will cope without me. She's been doing so well at school that she should be fine with Flynn there.
   "No honey, I can't, I have to work. I promise if you want to come home I'll come and get you. You can call whenever you want. You need to be strong baby, I love you."
    "I don't want to go without you," she cries.
    "Honey, we can facetime all the time. It will be like I'm with you. You can do this, you'll have so much fun."
    "I don't want to be apart from you."
    "Honey, if you don't want to go that's fine I won't make you but I know you want to. If you hate it, I'll come get you." She nods and lifts my top up and I lay on the bed. She rests her cheek on my tummy like she always does.
    "I'll be back soon. I promise," she says. I stroke her hair and she kisses my tummy and she gets up. I carry her bag into the other room and I toss it at Flynn. He rolls his eyes at me.
    "Ready?" Mom asks. I hug Miley and she clings to me.
    "I love you," I whisper and she whispers back to me the same words. I pass her to Flynn careful not to touch him. I push them all out my door and I wave to Miley and they all frown. I shut the door and put the chain across.
I hear banging on the door, "Lee, what are you doing?" I hear Mom call.
     The door gets opened but they can't get in. "Riley, what are you doing?" Flynn growls.
    "I ain't going, I have to work. Don't make a scene in front of my child please." I keep my voice low so she can't hear me.
    "Hayden, can you take Miley to the car please?" I see Dad nod and they enter the elevator. "What do you mean you aren't going?"
     "You don't control me anymore. I don't do family events, I ain't part of this family. Miley really wants to go which is why I allowed her to go. You better fucking look after her!"
   "We aren't going without you."
   "You are because you promised my daughter! I will never go home ever again! This is my home."
    "Honey, please," she cries.
    "Don't keep my daughter waiting. Now leave me the hell alone!" I slam the door and deadbolt it so they can't open the door. I slide down the door and sob into my hands. The door bangs but I ignore it.
     Tears free fall and nothing I can do to stop it. I text Jax to see if I can actually work. I wasn't supposed to. He said to come in at midday.
     So when midday arrived in sliding on my beanie and enter the boot room. "What's up babe?"
    He puts his finger under my chin and I look into his eyes. "Flynn left me," I whisper. I bite my cheek trying to keep the tears at bay.
    He frowns, "Aren't you guys on and off all the time? It actually gives me whiplash."
    "I guess we weren't really together. He cheated on me. Says he wants to explore with this girl," I shrug. He brings me in for a hug.
    "Fucker," he mutters. He pulls away and grabs my face. He kisses my lips and grins. "Want me to be your boyfriend?"
     I laugh, first time since he left me. I shove him playfully. I notice a customer waiting so I grab their shoes. I bring them some skates. He offers me some tangfastics.
    I take a couple and shove them in my mouth. "Where Miley?" he asks casually.
     "At my parents with Flynn," I mumble with my mouthful.
     "You didn't want to go too?"
     "I won't go back there again, not now. It's too hard," I shrug.
     He nods, "Well then, want to come out with me tonight?" I cringe as he puts his arm around my shoulder. "Come on babe, I promise you'll have fun."
     "Fine," I sigh. He grins as if he's going to corrupt me tonight.
     Working has kept my mind off my broken heart for a while. Jax is at mine as we get ready to go out. I'm in a black dress, tights and knee high boots.
    We've both got makeup on, he's probably better at applying it than I am. He kisses my lips and we leave my bedroom.
     I gather up my keys and shoulder bag. My phone rings and I grab it. Video call from Flynn. I sigh and accept it. I see Flynn on the screen and I roll my eyes when he frowns.
      "Why are you all dressed up?"
      "I'm going out. Not that it's any of your business anymore." I snap. He grumbles, muttering under his breath.
      "With who?" he grits out.
      "With my boyfriend. Ain't that right babe?"
       Jax winks at me. "Too right babe."
      "Who the fuck is it?" Jax rolls his eyes and wanders over to me. He kisses my cheek and then looks over my shoulder.
      "Hey hottie."
      Flynn seems to relax slight knowing it's not another guy and just my gay friend. "Miley wants to speak to you before she goes to bed."
      "Good," he passes Miley the phone and tears stain her cheeks. "You okay honey? Do you need me to come get you?"
     She shakes her head, "I just missed you Mommy. Flynn says we will be coming home tomorrow."
      I nod, "Yes you will. But, I'm sure Nana has something fun for you tomorrow."
      "Who's that?" she pointed towards Jax who's still on my shoulder.
      "This is Jax, my friend."
      "Hi Jax, are you my friend too?" she ask hopeful. That glimmer in her eye that I tried so hard to replicate in my drawing.
      "Sure, sweet cheeks." I hear Flynn in the background saying it's bedtime.
     "Bye Mommy, it's bedtime. Bye Jax." I wave at her and hang up.
       "She's a sweet kid," Jax says as he moves away from me. She is a sweet girl. We leave my apartment and I lock the door.
        We head to a gay bar that Jax insisted we go to. "What you having babe?"
     "Just an orange juice please."
     "No alcohol?" he frowns.
     "Not allowed it," I mutter. He frowns as if to tell me to explain. "Heart disease," I shrug.
      "Two orange juices please," he orders holding up two fingers.
      "Jax, you can drink," I offer but he shakes his head.
     "If you're not drinking then I won't either." I roll my eyes but I appreciate the gesture. The barman gets our drinks and Jax pays. I sip on my drink and he takes me to the dance floor.
     He brings my back to his body and we start dancing. A couple of other guys dance around us. It doesn't make me uncomfortable because I know none of these guys are interested in me.
     I feel the thumping music, sweat coating my skin but I'm having a pretty good night. Beats staying home alone. Jax spins me around and I put my arms around his shoulders.
     His hands on my hips as they sway. The music is loud but in my head it's peaceful. My heads not filled with Flynn. Hearing his voice over and over in my head.
     We leave the pub around one am. I'm well and truly knackered. "Wanna stay over tonight?" I offer. I guess I just don't want to be alone.
    "I don't think I'm making it to mine anyway babe," he yawns. He grabs the door to the taxi and he lets me slide in first.
     He climbs in after me and I give the driver my address. It only takes around ten minutes to get to my apartment.
     I shrug off my jacket when I'm home and slip off my dress not caring that Jax is here. I kick off my boots and sigh. "Are we sharing a bed or am I on the couch?"
    I sigh, "Bug, I get nightmares. I don't want to wake you." He laughs and makes his way to my bedroom. I follow and put on some pjs over my underwear.
    He strips into his boxers and climbs into my bed. Somehow he's gone into Flynn's side. I cringe, it's not his side anymore. I climb into bed and Rex jumps on the bed at my feet.
    I grab his hand as we face each other. My eyes start drooping and I fall into an uneasy sleep.
   I sit bolt upright and heave in and out. Jax sits up with alarm. "Fuck, you scared the shit out of me. When you said nightmares."
    "Sorry," I pant. I did warn him. He pulls me back down and he turns me and faces me away from him. He embraces my back and strokes my hair.
    I shut my eyes and focus on his body heat and his fingers in my hair. "Your nightmares are because of that psycho?" he says softly. I can hear the pain in his voice.
    "Mostly." He knows somethings about James but not all of it. "He stole my virginity. Pinned me down, held my mouth. Sometimes I relive that shit.
    "Other times it's of my car accident. How I lost my baby without knowing I was pregnant. How I can't have kids. And my mom lost her hand because of it."
    He holds me as I confess this shit all over again. "I can't sleep more than a couple of hours because my nightmares wake me. With Flynn next to me I never had nightmares. I will never sleep well again."
    I refuse to cry again tonight. I've cried too much already. "I can't drink to mask the pain and the nightmares anymore because I damaged my heart due to drinking too much. I could have a heart attack. Not that I would because of Miley. I have to stay strong for her."
    "I get it babe."
    "I have to push them out. It hurts too much."
    "I'm gonna be here for you babe. Whatever you need, I'll be by your side. You need me you call me. You need a sleeping buddy, just ask. You need a night out, ask. I'm here."
     It comforts me more than it should. Why I'm letting him in, I have no idea. It does settle my nerves that he's here with me. Enough that I fall asleep in his arms.