Adoring Your Soul

Wakas

Wakas

Matagal na tumitig sa akin ang matandang suki ko. Madalas siyang bumili rito sa palengke at purihin ako. Laging malaki ang ngiti sa tuwing bibili, ngunit ngayon, medyo nakasimangot siya.

"Nakita kita sa tapat ng bar noong gabi, Hija." Nakasimangot pa rin siya. "Nakauniporme ka. Nagtatrabaho ka sa palengke at sa bar din?" medyo masungit na samba niya.

Napakagat labi ako. Kalaunan, ngumiti rin. Nakasimangot pa rin siya. "Opo. Nagse-serve ako ng mga inumin—"

"Kolehiyo ka na, hindi ba? 'yan ang sabi mo sa akin noong unang bili ko rito. Bakit ka nagtatrabaho sa bar at palengke kung nag-aaral ka?"

Bumaba ang tingin ko sa mga paninda. I know she won't understand. Sa tuwing sinasabi ko sa mga tao kung saan ako nagtatrabaho, parang nag-iiba sila. Nandidiri o kung ano at lumalayo rin kalaunan. Kung makakasalubong mo man, titingnan ka na para bang may nagawa kang malaking kasalanan sa mundo. Diring-diri sila.

"Titigil ho ako ng isang taon para makaipon. Mahal ang gusto kong kurso kaya. . . kailangan ko pong magsumikap, Lola."

"Aba'y hindi! Sa akin ka na tumira kung gano'n. Hindi ba't may nobyo kang madalas na pumunta rito? Mukhang mayaman 'yon, bakit hindi ka tinutustusan?"

Napangiti ako. "Nobyo," I echoed. "Hindi po. . . hindi ko siya nobyo."

Kung anu-ano pa ang sinabi ng matanda ngunit sa huli, tinanggihan ko lang ang inaalok niya. Even though I didn't get the whole payment from that family and a scholarship for school, I never dared go to Palawan. Mabuting humanap din ako noon ng scholarship, dahil iyong ibang unibersidad ay tumatanggap pa hanggang sa isang taon. Makakatulong ang scholarship sa akin, pero hindi pa rin sasapat dahil may inuupahan akong apartment at may pang araw-araw pang pagkain at mag-iipon pa.

Iniwan ko na rin sina Nate kalaunan. Nagsinungaling ako. Nagpahatid ako sa Palawan at nanatili roon ng ilang araw at bumalik din sa Maynila. Hindi ko gustong magpabigat sa kanila. Nasa tamang edad na ako, kaya dapat alam ko nang mag desisyon. I am too young to make a living, but I am doing this for myself. Walang ibang gagawa nito para sa akin kundi ako lang.

He sometimes helps me with payments, but I always refuse. Siya rin ang kumuha ng apartment para sa akin. Sa tuwing mananatili sa apartment na 'yon, napapasimangot ako dahil parang masyadong maganda. Dahil maganda at bago, mahal din ang upa. Napag-usapan naming na hati kami sa payment, kahit na gusto ko talagang ako ang magbabayad ng full payment dahil ako ang nananatili ro'n. Kung minsan, siya na rin ang bumibili ng groceries. Dahil sa mga ginagawa niya, mas nagiging determinado akong magtrabaho dahil ayaw kong dumepende sa iba.

"They are on vacation." I bit my lip. It was Saturday morning when Nathan called. Nangungumusta.

"Nakita ko nga sa interview. Hindi ka sinama?"

"I am a freshman. Kailangan kong mag-aral."

"Right." He sighed. "You have a new name, huh?"

Tumawa lamang ako. Matagal kaming hindi nag-usap ni Nathan, kaya marami-rami kaming napagkuwentuhan. May nahanap na rin siyang trabaho. We talked for exactly three hours. Nagpaalam din dahil sa trabaho. I am happy that he is living peacefully, but I am kinda guilty for lying to him about my life. Kapag nalaman niyang hindi ako nag-aaral, alam kong hahanapin niya kung nasaan ako. He can't contact my grandparents because they are private. Hindi sila madaling makausap. Either you must have an appointment, or you are friends with them.

"Tania."

I looked up at him. Nakangiti siya habang may hawak na namang grocery package. Masasabi kong mas marami ito kaysa sa huli niyang bigay.

"Iuwi mo na 'yan, hindi ko matatanggap," sambit ko at pumunta na ng kusina.

"Luan," he called.

"Tania," pagtatama ko.

He sighed. "Tsk, Tania."

Huminto ako dahil ramdam ko pa ring nakasunod siya. "Dalhin mo na lang 'yan sa inyo. May natira pa ako rito na pang grocery na tama lang para sa akin. Hindi ko kailangan 'yong marami."

"Even so. Makaka-save ka kapag tinanggap mo 'to. You'll even stop working at that bar!" Ngumiti siya at nagtaas ng kilay.

Tumaray lamang ako. I ignored him the whole time he was here. Wala rin naman akong nagawa noong gabi na dahil nag-stay pa siya at nanood ng movie. Pati ang ibang appliances, siya ang bumili. It is fine that he is staying here, but I feel so guilty because half of the things in here are from him. Hindi ko alam kung kailan nagsimula ang pagkakaibigan namin. After the tragedy, I lost all of the things that had been nurtured for a long time. My dignity and pride. They melted like ice in a wildfire.

It has been almost half a year since the interview with Tita Alicia and Archer happened. I was devastated and depressed back then. Ilang araw akong nanatili kina Nathan. And after a few weeks, when the interview happened, Tita Alicia committed suicide. It was all over the news. A gunshot was heard in their mansion at two p.m. There were a lot of guests at their resort, so it was exclusively broadcast. She hanged herself before the gunshot happened. Her death is mysterious and sudden.

Because of those occurrences, it brought me down more. I blamed myself for it. I cannot sleep every night. Even in a dream, it haunts me. I tried to strangle myself, but I couldn't. I didn't want to die to feel the pain; I wanted to die to stop feeling the pain. So, committing suicide is hard. I don't want to feel the blood in my skin. I don't want to hurt myself, but it seems like the world wants it.

Nakakapagod mabuhay. Life is suffering. Life is torture. Life is everything it is not. It was a nightmare dressed as a daydream.

After months of grieving, some parts of me were healed. But after months, when Tita Alicia died, Miraes committed suicide too. It cannot be processed in my mind because there was a baby in her womb. Hindi ko kaya. That is when I told Nathan that I needed to go back to Palawan. Ang totoo, bumalik ako sa Maynila para parusahan ang sarili ko. Miss Sarai, Miraes' auntie, blamed me for it. I accepted it and worked in her bar. This is the best way to pay for my sins. Kasalanan ko. Miraes died because she was guilty of what she did to me and of what happened to Mecerdes family.

I'm still having those nightmares. I feel like I don't deserve to rest. I don't deserve to feel hungry because I am a bad woman. I am a bad human.

I lost all that I had. I am living to die. Minsan ko nang pinangarap na sana, sa lahat ng paghihirap na iyon, ay naroon siya. Ngunit naghihirap din siya. Maybe if I hadn't gone to Nasugbu, those tragedies wouldn't have happened. Sana hindi na lang ako naniwala sa pag-ibig.

I despise love. It caused me to suffer, as well as the others around me. It made me feel useless and unworthy of all the wonderful things in the world. I was left alone because of love. After months apart from him, I recognized that my resentment stemmed from my love for him. But love alone will not solve everything. It put us in danger, and we weren't meant to be.

Napagtanto man na mahal ko nga siya, hindi naman no'n maaalis ang hinanakit na namuo sa puso ko. Dahil sa nangyari, kung bibigyan man kami ng Diyos ng pagkakataong magkasalubong muli, aatras na ako. I will never go down the same path where he was. Kahit na anong gawin ng Diyos para magkita kaming muli, gagawa at gagawa ako ng paraan para hindi na siya makita pa.

Natatakot akong sa muli naming pagkikita, mayroon na namang mawawala.

This love is tragedy.

But the greatest thing that it gave me was patience. Even if he fooled me, I'd still adore him. I thought he was the one who was adoring me, but I realized that I was the one who was adoring his soul. No matter what happens, I'll adore his shattered yet pulchritudinous soul.