Within the Writing

Chapter Thirteen

Those words resonated through my brain the rest of that night and I was laying in my bed, staring at the white ceiling with my dim lamp on, lost in my own little world. For about the hundreth time that night I found myself wondering if he had really meant it or not. After he said it, he played it off as if words had never come out of his mouth in the first place. I was lost and confused. My stomach was filled with butterflies and my heart raced but I was so nervous and I turned to look at my desk, the desk lamp lighting up my journal that lay open on the next blank page.

Shakingly I climbed out of my bed and shambled over to my desk, plopping down in the cushioned rolling chair I had and propped my head up, staring at the blank pages. And staring. Staring. Not knowing what to do with them. I was at a loss for words and I glanced at my clock. Twelve fifty-one, almost one o'clock in the morning. I had been up for hours. Laying in my bed, not knowing what to do. I took a deep breath and my eyes turned to look at the pages again. I reached over, taking my pen up in my hand and holding it to the paper.

November 25, 2010 12:53 am

I got four hours of sleep last night, needless to say I was exhausted all day. Key word there, WAS. Now I can't sleep. At all. All I can think about is what Aiden told me or well more like him in general. Maybe things could be looking up for me right? I mean this one man could actually have genuine feelings for me. What should I do? I've never felt this way before. I have only ever had meesley crushes or liked someone from afar but Aiden and I...well we went out to dinner. Olive Garden. He was so nice and he talked a lot. About college. About past relationships. About football.

I talked too of course. About school. About never having a relationship. About writing. My life dream of becoming an author. We are two opposite sides of the spectrum. He's brawny, gorgeous, tan, and into sports. I'm lean, unattractive, pale, and not athletic. We really couldn't be anymore different but this feeling I have....is it love? I have butterflies in my stomach, my heart beats faster, I lose the ability to speak, and I become dizzy around him. I'm afraid I look like a fool when he's around. I don't want this to go sour, I want this to be true. He makes me smile more than I have in a while. Actually smile. Not the fake one I'm always wearing but truly smile. If that's not a sign of something. I don't know what is.

I closed the journal, rubbing my eyes, tiredness finally hitting me after I got my thoughts written down on the page. I yawned and slowly eased myself out of my desk chair and back onto my bed after turning off my lap. The only thing I could think of that would make falling asleep better would have been if Aiden was there with me.

.............................

See I hadn't given much thought about how vulnerable I had become now that I knew I liked Aiden. I hadn't even thought about the possibility that the football jock might be a closet case. But I found out shortly that he was...either that or he had been playing tricks on me the entire time. It was after school that day and I was at the park, swinging slowly on one of the swings there when Adam's posse showed up, including Aiden.

"Hey faggot!" I could hear Adam's voice yelling for me and I slowed my swing down until it came to a full stop. I gripped it tightly with both hands and cowarded beneath the gaze's of all the boys. Aiden was looking away though, which wasn't so odd to me. Afterall I was completely head over heels, madly in love at this point, so I just assumed he was looking away cause he didn't want any part in what the guys were wanting.

"Yes, Adam?" I asked, my voice was soft but it wasn't afraid for once. I was surprised at myself but then I smiled. Apparently Aiden being there gave me a slight confidence boost.

"Heard you liked our buddy here, Aiden. Trying to faggify him?" Adam started laughing and I said something that I regretted. I had just done the one thing that I should never have done. I argued with Adam.

"I'm not 'faggifying' anyone!" I seethed and the guy's eyes went wide and Aiden turned to look at me. I squirmed under his gaze and he looked away again, which made me relax.

"Oh yeah? Thought we told you not to hit on anyone in the locker rooms?" Darek sneered and I glared directly at him.

"Nex time it'll be you." I threatened. He crossed his arms, grinning from ear to ear like I had just said a magic word and made his day.

"So you are hitting on guys in the locker room? Knew it, ya little queer." Liam was saying. They were throwing insults at me left and right and then Adam silenced them instantly.

"So, faggot, I want you to stop trying to faggify my buddy, got it? Or I will knock your teeth down your throat." He raised a fist at me but I stood up from where I sat on the sing, defiant. Once more I regretted what I said.

"Can't 'faggify' someone if they're already 'faggified'." I told the lot of guys. They all collectively gasped and stood aghast at me then looked at Aiden. He was staring straight at me with the most horrific look on his face and it made my stance shrivel and my confidence went out the door.

"You're a faggot too then?" Adam questioned, taking a step back like he might catch being gay like it was a disease. Aiden didn't respond in fact the next thing I knew, I was on the ground because he punched me in my face. I started crying and help my jaw. I looked up at him like a wounded puppy who's kind master had just beaten it for nothing. I felt betrayed.

"No I'm not." Aiden said and turned and stalked away easily. I was bawling like a baby now, those words stung me hard and all of yesterday seemed like a dream. His sweetness, his flirting, his smile. All of it, gone in the wind. Adam grinned and turned to me where I still sat on the ground.

"Better luck next time, princess." He turned and left with the rest of his group, leaving me sitting under the swing wondering why nothing good ever happened to me.