What if

Mid April 2020 (part 1)

(Meredith POV)

I watched Bailey walk to my COVID ward with Richard, who was returning for the first time. "This is insane, Bailey. I've long 5 patients in the past 5 hours. Welcome back Richard!" I yelled. I was losing it. Luckily Derek and Cristina were with me in there. I haven't been home in 2 weeks, I haven't seen my kids in 2 weeks, I'm this close to a breakdown. Derek must've heard me yelling because he walked over to me and just hugged me. "It's okay. We can go home tonight." He said. I nodded. I wish we didn't have to wear these big ass hazmat suits and helmets. "I love you." I said. "I love you too." He said as he walked away to another patient.

(Derek POV)

Being stuck in this COVID ward and losing patients left and right is really getting to Meredith. She just yelled at Bailey. She's gonna breakdown soon. I know she wants to go home and see the kids, and I do too. I've lost a ton of patients in the last week, and I haven't been in an OR in weeks. This is crazy. "Shepherd, Suzie Richardson just passed. Should I inform the family or do you wsnt to?" Someone asked. I don't know half the people in here. "I'll do it. " I said as I pulled pulled out my phone to call Schmitt. "Hey Schmitt. Is anyone out there for Suzie Richardson?" I asked. "Yes." He replied. "She didn't make it. Can you tell the family?" I asked. "Yes sir, right away." He said with a sigh as he hung up the phone. I saw Meredith talking to Cristina and George in the distance. Thank god for those two, if they weren't there I think Meredith would've completely lost it.

(Cristina POV)

I can tell that Meredith is over this. She's ranting about how she wants to go home and see her kids, and honestly, I can't blame her. I want to go home to for the first time in my life. We've lost so many patients and it's killing us that we can't do anything about it. Even George is getting pissed, and he's Bambi. "I know guys. This sucks. But we have to keep powering through it and try to help as many patients possible." I said. Meredith just grumbled something and George nodded. Merediths dark and twisty was definitely shining out.

(Meredith POV)

"Dr Grey, we need you over here!" A nurse said. "This is James Harry, 71, tested positive for COVID. He's having trouble breathing." She said. I nodded and listening to his heart sounds. "Okay, we need to intubated stat. His right lung collapsed." I said. The nurse handed me a tube and I carefully navigated it down his throat, until that is his throat closed off. "What the hell?" I yelled. "He's coding! Starting compressions." I said as I pressed my hands to the mans chest. "Get me the paddles." I ordered. A nurse gave me the paddles. "Charge to 360. Clear!" I said. Nothing. "370. Clear!" I said again. No response. "400. Clear!" I tried again. Nothing. He flatlined. "Time of death 12:47." I said. I'm done. I walked away from the patient and jogged into a supply room, breathing heavily. 'Calm down.' I thought to myself. Don't have a panic attack. I was angry. "Damnit!" I yelled as I grabbed some supplies and threw it across the room. "Damnit!" I said again, my voice breaking. I pushed over the carts and threw the buckets everywhere. I braced myself on the wall and sobbed, feeling a strong pair of arms around my torso. I immediately knew it was Derek and leant into him and cried. Cried for the lives I've lost. Cried because i want to go home. Cried because I miss my kids. "I'm sick of this!" I yelled as I sobbed into his shoulder. "I know. Home tonight." He replied, trying to soothe me.

(Derek POV)

I saw Meredith get called over to a patient to intubated. She was going well, until the patients airway closed up and he coded. I watched her do cpr and administer paddles. Nothing. I heard her call time of death and watched her go into a supply closet. I debated leaving her alone, but I didn't want to in case she was having a panic attack or soemtning. I walked into the supply room and I was met with a side of Meredith I hadn't seen yet. She was throwing things and pushing things everywhere. I've seen Meredith mad, but she's never thrown anything. My heart broke when I heard her start crying, so I walked over and held her. This was really getting to her. She sobbed for a few more minutes in my arms. "I'm okay." She said, her voice raspy from crying. "Your okay." I repeated, reminding myself of when Meredith had a panic attack in the closet when I was still with Addison all those years ago. She hugged me once more and left the room. Only 3 hours until we get to go home.

(Bailey POV)

This is ridiculous. I have never seen anything like this before. We have a waiting room and triage set outside, and patients and staff are stuck inside. I'm worried sick about my kids. I was always worried, but ever since 2 kids who went out to a party and got hurt were brought in, I couldn't stop thinking about anything else. I miss Ben, too. I'm worried about everything right now.

(Meredith POV)

I've been feeling weird all day, but it's probably just stress or exhaustion. It's finally 8pm, so I can go home now. "Derek!" I said. He walked over to me. "I'm going home. Are you coming?" I asked. "I have one more patient to check out and then I'll be on my way. You don't have to wait." I nodded. "Okay. See you at home." I blew him a kiss, took of my safety gear, and walked out of the COVID ward. I walked outside and try to get to my car, but as I'm walking, I start to feel lightheaded. I try to stay concious, but I can't. I fell myself fall to the ground, and then everything went black.