EDENVILLE

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By @silenttomorrows
Mae Kitpay sat on the make-ship stage on Frank's trailer, in the barn that he often used as a warehouse and occasionally as an ice hockey ring or for the annual pogo stick jumping world championships, even though many of the cheques he had received as entrance fees had bounced, and she smiled at the camera.

Porter sat beside her on a Chippendale chair, which had nothing to do with chipmunks but as many will realise is very sought after in the antiques world. So much so that when he had stood up, and a few minutes later gone to sit down again, he ended up on the floor as someone had whipped the chair out from behind him. (Please see the Junk Roadshow outtakes to see this.) So the second priceless chippendale chair that Porter had in his collection, he nailed to the trailer with six inch nails.

Someone held the clapper board and the cameras and lighting were ready. The director, Dick Flick shouted, 'Camera's roll, and action'. The guy with the clapper board snapped it shut'

Porter jumped up high off his chair shouting, 'OWwwwww, THAT WAS MY FINGER' Porter then went to sit down again, and fell on the floor, as someone had whipped most of his chair. Porter stood up and shouted into the audience, 'Well at least you didn't get the legs' (Please see the Junk Roadshow outtakes to see this.)

Mae took Porter's hand in hers, looked him straight in the eyes and said, 'Mae Kitpay, make it better' as she popped his finger into her mouth and drew it out very very slowly and seductively. Although it's difficult to talk with a finger in your mouth please bear in mind that Mae was a ventriloquist for six years after leaving Antique Presenter College. Her speciality was Eric the Green Toad and his girlfriend Miss Sheepy. Mae had based the act on the well known Muppets show but she was disappointed it didn't do so well. She thought it might have been because she only had two hands.

There was a long queue of excited Eden villagers, snaking around the barn, gleefully grasping their junk rarities. First up on stage was Wilfred Bodger rat catcher whilst Rosemary Tupplewick tottered onto the stage behind him clutching her grandfather clock, her prised bronzed cucumber trophy safely inside.

'Well Mae', said a hot and bothered Porter as he sat down on a crate, 'this is Will Bodger, what's in your sack Will?'

'Will, what on earth is it?' Mae asked as Wilfred pulled out a large rusty metal something.

'Giant rat trap'. Will said proudly.

'You get rats that big in Edenville?

'In the past, in my father's time, yes we did'

'Will, that's a man trap, they are illegal', Porter said alarmingly.

'No never, they can be rats in sheep's clothing. You gotta be prepared' Will opened it and put it on the ground. 'There, you gotta pencil, just pop it in there Mr. Porter sir'.

'Are you joking?

'No Sir, works a treat. Can't be too careful you know'

'Well I'd say it's fifteenth century and worth about £160 but needs handing in at the police station'

'What?' said Wilfred defiantly. 'And let that scurvy Breem cash in on it. I think not'.

Suddenly there was a big huff exhale of air as Rosemary Tupplewick couldn't hold onto the grandfather clock any longer and not being able to see what was in front of her she plonked it right down onto the mantrap; which snapped sharply shut, just like a man trap would, and bit the bottom off the clock. The door swung open and the chime rang out dong; almost as though in mourning.

'Ooh... hello Rosemary. I see you have brought us a clock that needs restoration and half a cucumber trophy. Pity both would have been worth over a thousand pounds should they have been in tact', Porter said sympathetically.

Mae handed Rosemary a tissue. Viola Fiddler had the remote control for Frank's new domestic help drone and deftly carried a cup of tea on a silver tray over for poor Rosemary to sup. The drone then swung away to carry out more acts of kindness.

Constable Breem had up until then been organising the car park and collecting car park fares. There were also some designated no parking zones which he told people about as they parked in them and collected their fines. When it started raining he walked inside to the voice of Mae Kitpay saying, 'So next up is Frank who has leant us the this lovely barn as a venue today; and what have you for us Frank?' But Breem was focused with glee on the mantrap that Will was trying to put back in his sack, and Will knew he had been spotted.

'These were in my attic. These are my grandfather's self spinning hand guns that he invented to sell in the wild west. You see you press this button and they spin on the holster; just like in the movies', Frank said proudly. 'They are clockwork'.

Porter said, 'Gosh I've not seen a pair of these before. If I may try them on. Some came up in an American auction about two years ago and fetched $40,000.'

There was a kerfuffle amongst the audience as Breem tried to wade through to where Will Bodger was leaving stage right.

Porter pressed the spinning action and they spun perfectly. Porter then press the second button and the right gun flew back into the holster but the left gun stuck and fired a bullet with a loud bang. The bullet hit the drone which fell from the sky and hit Breem on the head, leaving Breem a tad wobbly. Wilfred seized the moment and made his getaway.

Frank said, 'yes, sometimes the left one sticks. Should have told you about that.'

An impatient Reverend Cuthbert Smidge called up from the side of the stage to Porter, 'Excuse me, can you tell me how much these alter candlesticks are worth please?' Smidge was a little impatient because the pub would be open soon.

'Climb up then Reverend, are you thinking of selling?'

Smidge blushed red, it had crossed his mind. Some people really get on my wick', he thought.