EDENVILLE

The Funeral

By @silenttomorrows

The Reverend Cuthbert Smidge was so excited.  This was going to be a good day, a great day, a day of many contributions from the many good parishioners who would attend The Edenville Church of Hope in the Field, and donate to the church funds. 

Corky Flute had been well thought of in the village; penny's and pounds would flow into the church coffers after the reverend's sermon today.  There were opportunities to contribute as parishioners left the church and then more opportunities at the crematorium and finally when the ashes were popped into the ground in the graveyard.  He would offer refreshments between each part of the proceedings.  £3.00 a salmon sandwich, 50p for a dill dip. Kettle crisps, cheese and pineapple on sticks, chorizo and pheasant paste vol-u-vaunts and cherry brandy trifle.  £12 a head, and the church would be packed. 

The service would begin at 11am but the church started to fill up at 10am.   Cuffy Smidge stood just inside the door greeting people as they arrived.  He handed them an order of service and a menu.  The next person who greeted them was Ted.

'Hello, I'm Ted Ted the Shrunken Head - it's so sad that Corky's dead.  Please have a herbal ice cream and a tot of rum from the font.  Please help yourself, caus it's just a little beyond my reach. You'll need a dram when he starts to preach.'

Gradually a smattering of detectives dotted themselves around the church. Each one browsing for suspects; maybe the murderer would turn up. 

'Good morning Monsieur Powro. How's the investigations going', Cuffy said jollily.

'How you say, le petit jarden pour suspects' replied Powro.

'You have a main suspect' Cuffy asked interested.

'Oui Monsieur'

'Ah, there's a toilet in the vestry or you'll have to go behind a tree.  I mean a tree outside not the Christmas tree we've just put up inside the church. 

Inspector Fellows skulked behind a pillar inconspicuously.  When Bianca came in she spotted him immediately.  Fellows had arrested her and taken her to the police station for running away from a crime scene.  Bianca had insisted that he handcuffed her to an overhead pipe.  When he questioned her, instead of saying, 'no comment' she had said, 'don't spank me'.  Which was ridiculous because he couldn't spank people on duty. 

Noel Edge watched closely as Wilfred Bodger took his seat next to Jethro Woodnick, he wondered if there was a conspiracy going on. Wilfred handed Jethro a swig from his hip flask. 'I miss olde Corky' Wilfred whispered.

'Aye, Corky knew how to play a round of cards.  Who did it, that's what I want to know?'  Jethro thought carefully about who it could be.  'I reckon it was a murderer' he said. 

Agnes Pedderforth the Chandler sat with with them.  'I got some cockles lads, if thee wants some?'

'Thankee Agee' they both answered as Wilfred brought a small  bottle of vinegar from his inside pocket.

Rosemary Tupplewick sat at the organ and began to play and the Women's Guild Choir began to sing,

'All things bright and beautiful, cucumbers great and small
Turnips in the tumble drier, some say it's radical'

Morag came in and sat at the back of the church; Japonica saw her and went to sit with her.  'Smidge you olde charlatan' Morag cried out not minding who heard. 

'Madam please, have some respect.  A parishioner has passed.'

'I know when someone has passed you dip stick.  I come to watch you carefully.'

Smidge didn't answer.  The coffin arrived and was walked stately in by Fay DeWay and Pop Clogs Funeral Services. 

Everybody stood.

Cuffy walked in front of the whicker coffin.  A small column of family mourners followed.  Millie, Edith and Japonica had earlier threaded some wild flowers into the whicker. 

Cuffy began his script at the head of the procession. 'Some are born great, some are born average.  There is a time to live and a time to die.  A time for fish and a time for pie.  A time to wish for a sprinkling of chives.' The coffin was placed on trestles in front of the alter.

Everybody sat.

'And Corky did like chives and he sprinkled his love over the airwaves to touch the ears of all who would listen, just like a sprinkling of chives in the the chowder of life.  Just as Simon once walked in Jerusalem so did Corky walk amongst us.  Some would say that unlike Simon, Corky didn't have a leg to stand on when it came to being a cheeky chappy.'

The congregation stood on one leg in remembrance of Corky.

'Simon says sit down.'  So everybody sat down again. Smidge called out.  'And it's so nice to see so many of Corky's love children here today.  Two and a half pews of them.'  There were some sobs amongst the children, ages between 4 and 56. 

'I will now ask Mayor Maynot to say a few words about Corky'.

The Mayor stood up and gave his nose a big blow on a red and white spotted handkerchief.  'Corky, Corky, Corky.  How we will miss you.  We used to have such fun; we used to have such trips together, sometimes we would even leave the studio, or the parlour.....my we would fly.   And we shared so much laughter but now you're off to the here after.  My buddy my fellow villager, Edenville will never resonate to your dulcet melodious words again.'  A tearful mayor went to sit down again.

'Thank you Mayor.' Cuffy went and stood beside the casket.  'And now please all join in with the words of Corky's favourite song, "Sweet Home Alabama"

Frank moved from the pews to a drum kit and  Edith walked over and picked up her electric guitar and started the riff.  Rosemary joined in on the organ as the song started to make the church rock. The choir began, 'Ooooh, ooooh, ooooh.'

Eli Green the Thatcher took up the main vocal line, 'Sweet Home Alabama...'

Cuffy clapped along.  The first collection would be next.  It must be really loud music he thought, caus it's making that casket lid bounce up and down. He patted the lid down again.  But then it bounced some more and some fingers poked through the edge.  Cuffy thought this was ridiculous, and a little scary the fingers were poking through and pushing the lid.  The sudden realisation of what might be happening and the revenue that Cuffy might lose if it were true caused  Cuffy Smidge to quickly poke the fingers back where they had come from and lean with one hand on the casket lid; grinning at the congregation, some of whom like Wilfred and Jethro looked at each other and took another swig from the hip flask. 

Then there was a shove and Cuffy pushed back but finally a push from within the casket jolted Cuffy to one side and the lid went flying.  There were screams from the congregation and the music fizzled out. Corky's face appeared above the side of the casket.  He lifted himself up.  Edith went over to help him, as did Agnes and Inspector Fellows.  Some of Corky's children feinted, others gathered around and hugged Corky. 

Corky was a bit doddery as he climbed out.  He said, 'hey man, that must have been some really, heavy deep hash I was smoking.  What are you all doing here?  What am I doing here? The music was real cool, kinda woke me up.  Hi Jethro, fancy a cocktail or two down the Tiki bar? Come on everyone.'

'Er, Anyone want a salmon sandwich Cuthbert asked desperately as his revenue started disappearing out of the church door'

'Ya great idjit' Morag said.  'I knew no one had passed.  What a performance.  Come girl, come Japonica, we will go get a drink with the dead man'. And she cackled with laughter as she left the church.

Cuthbert Smidge found himself on his own.  Then he said, 'well if you can't bury them then join them I guess' and he too set off to the Tiki Bar.