I need you, I need you, I need you

chapter 46-18 candles

December 1st, 2019
Rachel's p/v
I wake up knowing that I have my brother in the room, waiting to take me to school. This morning isn't one of them.

I didn't sleep at all last night. With every turn, and every tear, my nervous system broke down. I started panicking and sweating like crazy. No one was there to comfort me. I can only imagine how awful Darry's night went.

I don't have the strength to change. I got out of bed, but that's enough for today. I'll just sit at the table waiting for Darry to come home. We'll make dinner together and go out for ice cream. If we had 5 more minutes, I would give him the world.

Someone knocks on the door. For a second I thought it was my brother, but he wouldn't knock. There's no need when he has keys. I get up from my chair and zombie walk to open the door.
"Morning, Rachel!"
"Morning."
"Breakfast at my place, let's go." Quinn pulls me outside.
"I'm not in the mood to eat."
"You're in the mood for an omelet, I know that."
"I don't want to eat if Darry isn't here with me."
"Think of it this way: he wouldn't want you to starve yourself. Please get something in your system. You need the energy."
I sigh. "Fine."

Quinn sits on my bed. "The omelet was amazing, wasn't it."
"Your mom cooks well so yeah, I guess."
"Let me pick out your outfit. I'm not letting you go to school in pajamas."
"I was thinking of not going in general."
"Rachel, what happened to being optimistic?"
I sit next to her. "How am I supposed to live without my brother? Life can't go on for me."
"Hey, he's going to come back. You need to give your mind some peace," she gets up and walks to my closet, "let's pick something cute for you."

I don't feel cute. Quinn braided my hair into two braids but it just makes me feel like a kid. She also picked out my clothes and like, I just want to go back to my pajamas. White Friends t-shirt, pink cropped Brandy sweater, black mom jeans, and my white high top converse. Why should I be in different clothes if Darry is wearing the same thing as yesterday?

Tyler is on his phone, sitting at a table. I was so rude to him yesterday, but I just can't pull myself to talk to him. I don't want to talk to anyone. Tears will come out.
"So as I was saying, RACHEL." Quinn says very loudly. Tyler looks up from his phone. He walks up to me and kisses my cheek.
"You look so cute, love. You should do two braids more often."
"Thank you."
"Now I feel like I'm interrupting. I'm gonna go. See you later, Rachel." Quinn gives me a quick hug and then walks away.
"Do you want to go somewhere else?"
"Sure."

Holding hands with Tyler is helping me a little, but I just can't get my mind off of Darry for just one second. Everything reminds me of him. The music my ears pick up, the breakfast foods people are eating, even the clothes they're wearing. Darry loves Pink Floyd, he loves waffles, and he loves to wear dark colors. He would love today.

The sprinklers are on so we decided to sit under the bleachers. Mary is here with her friend. She's probably scheming her next bitch move. Someone is off pitch? We're forced to hear her sing because we're doing it wrong? Whatever she's ranting to the girl, I hope it helps her blow off steam. This is all probably hurting her too.

Now isn't the time to observe her outfit, but I think she lacked motivation today as well. Black turtleneck, dark brown leather jacket, dark blue flared jeans, and black docs. No belt, no rings, no spark. There's something she has that I don't though: the energy to speak.

Math class will just not end. The substitute is making us do work on the computers. Tyler and Mary are talking but I can't be bothered to pay attention. Who cares about Tik Tok trends or Khan Academy when my brother is being framed for possessing drugs?
"Oh, shit."
"Tyler, your shirt!"
I turn around. Tyler's nose is bleeding. He gets up and grabs a tissue from the desk near the door.
"Mr. Turner, can I go to the bathroom real quick?"
"You need to go to the nurse's office. Tell her I gave you a mental hallway pass."
"Haha, of course. Thank you!"
I turn back around and rest my chin on the palm of my hand. Can someone pull a fire alarm so we get to leave?
"Ms. Sandoval, when are you thinking of starting the assignment?"
"Mr. Turner," Mary says, "Rachel is going through something-"
"I don't care. She either does the assignment or gets sent to the principle's office."
"Mr. Turner, I'm not in the right headspace to do anything right now."
He nods. "Very well. You get detention at brunch. See me after class for a note."
I roll my eyes. Thank you for the detention sir xoxo. I'm thankful for Mary at least. She's actually being nice to me.