Always, Forever (Larry)

Chapter Five

Louis smiled triumphantly at the finished letter staring back at him, the words portraying every emotion he had ever felt over the previous ten years. He hadn't stopped writing since hanging up with Liam earlier that day.

Dear girl at 28,

You don't know me, just like I don't know you. I don't even know if you exist - if there is a girl at this address. But if there is, I have a few things to say and maybe a few to ask.

I guess I should tell you a little about me first. You don't need to know much to understand the story, just that I fell in love when I was 18, ten years ago. The trouble is, he is a he, and so am I. Some people at the time didn't understand that we could be in love. They didn't think that it was right. So, I let him go. And it was the biggest mistake of my life.

I last saw him 5 years ago and there hasn't been a day, or moment, that has passed where I don't think of him. He consumes my every thought and my heart doesn't beat when he's not around to keep me going. My tears fall endlessly without him there to wipe them away. My body curls into a ball when I can't fight anymore and he's not there to hold me.

I underestimated the power of his touch. His smile. His laugh. Every moment we spent together felt like an eternity because when I was with him, time stopped. And now every second shatters like a broken mirror and I can't see myself staring back anymore. I just see thousands of broken pieces on the floor. I try to pick them up and I cut my fingers. They're sharp and painful and they are all that's left of me.

I feel like I'm climbing a cliff and my rope keeps snapping. The top seems endless and I just want it to appear and for him to be stood there smiling at me, saying that everything is going to be okay. And he's not. He promised he would wait. Do you think he did? Or do you think he walked away from the top of cliff years ago because I didn't climb fast enough?

Have I lost him? Am I too broken to fix the mirror?

Blue.

His eyelids were fighting to stay open and black craters had creeped under his eyes. He tapped the screen of his phone to check the time. 1:32 am. No wonder he was tired. He slowly saved the document and closed the lid of the laptop before dragging himself upstairs to bed.

...

As he awoke the following morning, the sun flooded his room. It was so late last night that he had forgotten to close the curtains. Half asleep, Louis rubbed his eyes and stretched his arms above his head. The dust particles glimmered in the light, like fairies dotting around the room, as he gathered the strength to get out of bed and make a cup of tea.

He found himself at the bottom of the stairs adjacent to his printer, in which lay a single piece of white paper. The words were fighting to be seen from the other side of the page but remained facing away from sight. "That's odd," Louis thought, "I don't remember printing it off?"

He slumped his way into the kitchen and flicked the switch on the kettle, sending an orange glow through his finger. Unexpectedly, a voice sounded from behind, almost causing him to pour the now boiled water over his hand.

"I see you've finished it." Liam gestured towards the printer. As Louis whipped his head around to see a smiling Liam leaning against the door frame in the hallway, he sighed in relief. He failed to notice that his laptop was open on the table; Liam clearly knew his password.

"I see you let yourself in. And you're early." Louis responded sarcastically, turning his attention back to not spilling the drink he was attempting to make.

"What's new?" Both boys laughed as Liam continued, gesturing to the printer again. "It's really good Louis. I didn't know you could write. Wanna go post it?"

Louis was immediately enraged. He couldn't believe that Liam had read his letter. That was private! His mind swiftly switched from rage to understanding as he realised that it would save him having to explain out loud. He would've done anyway; Liam is his best friend after all. Smiling weakly, he muttered, "Lemme get dressed first."

...

Louis returned to the hallway a few minutes later. He was wearing skinny black jeans with rips at the knee, a tight white top and Harry's baggy grey jumper. He slipped on his vans as Liam gave him a teasing look, presumably about the fact that it was two sizes too big and he now smelt like Harry. Louis rolled his eyes and reached for the door handle, stepping down the front driveway apprehensively, followed by Liam.

A few metres from the boys stood a red letter box. The black paint of the pole had been chipped away and the letters that were once engraved so clearly had faded. Louis faced the gap of red, anxiety rushing through his veins, as his grip on the envelope loosened.

The edges of the paper passed through the slot effortlessly and Louis felt as though he was losing control. As the envelope fell out of his hand, a quiet pat informed them that it had reached the bottom, united with the post fed through before it. Louis shuddered as a wave of regret washed over him, drowning him on the spot.

"You okay?" Liam looked genuinely worried as the older lad looked like he was about to faint.

"Just feels like I let him go all over again." Louis muttered as his hands slid back into his pockets and his eyes traced the markings on the pavement.

"It will get better, you know. Just give it some time." Liam did his best at reassuring him, wishing there was something else he could do to stop his friend's pain.

"It's been 5 years, Liam. How much longer do I have to wait before my heart stops aching? It kills me, you know. I think of him every single second. Do you suppose he ever thinks of me? That's the bit that hurts me the most, I think. Knowing that when, on a rare occasion he does, he hates me. Only ever thinking about the way I left him with no explanation and the fact that I didn't love him. The way that I can't tell him how much my heart shatters when I think of his gorgeous green eyes and his goofy smile and those fucking brown curls that just flops in his face and make my body melt kills me. I love him, Liam, and he has no idea."

Both boys looked surprised at what Louis had just said. Liam broke the pause. "Love him, eh?" he teased, as he knocked his shoulder gently against Louis'.

"Shut up." Louis smirked, and just like that, he was back to being the person he had become without Harry. Strong and brave on the outside, empty and longing on the inside.