Poetry For The Broken

my depression

Tonight my depression came in waves
Tonight I wanted to end my life
I didn't notice it but it has been a long time coming
I had stopped eating because eating didn't mean anything to me
Eating felt like another chore I had to do to stay alive
Alive something I did not want
But yet at the back of my head a voice keeps telling me to drink water to stay alive
I wanted to overdose on pills but I thought of how this pills were bought to heal me and it didn't just seem right
I wanted to drink cleaning agents but what if I recover and end up as a dummy instead of the external sleep I wanted
My fingers stalled on the helpline for depression keys
I was going back and forth between calling them or not
What if what they say doesn't help
What if my death causes a scene
What if their questions overwhelmed me
I wanted to peacefully pass away where nobody will know
I didn't know the lies people have been telling me had been having a negative effect on me
The sexual harassment how can I possible tell them
Everything hurts
How can they understand that I hated my life and how much I questioned why I was created in the first place
They don't understand I tell God why doesn't he let the people who want to die die and let those who want to live live
They would never understand how getting up each morning to perform basic tasks is so exhausting
How can they tell that I am faking it anytime I smile
How will they understand how many times I have written a farewell letter but ended up crumpling it
How will they understand nothing in this world excites me like death
Maybe I was addicted to death or death was addicted to me
I texted a friend and then came another wanting to know the cause but there isn't just one but many causes
How do I tell them I feel like I am living in hell everyday
How will I tell them compliments make me uncomfortable and how I doubt the sincerity
How will I tell them boys make me uncomfortable because each time I feel like they are undressing me with their eyes
How do I tell them I feel ever boy I meet will eventually want to take advantage of me 
How do I tell them I want to be alone when I cry
How do I tell them I am not allowed to cry because any time I cry my mom tells me to clean my useless tears because tears won't solve the problem
How will I tell them I am weak
How will I say things like bullying and sexual harassment don't just go away
My depression came in waves tonight but yet I am still alive