Never Have Love At All (Las Mujeres Fuertes Series #1)

CHAPTER 40

Once in a while, we will go back to the old kind of person we are. We will go back at the times where we used to make a terrible decision for ourselves. Or at least, pressuring ourselves to come up with a decision that we are really not sure about. But I never made such decision for myself, I used to be a kind of toy that only follows... Because I wanted to be seen, I wanted to be appreciated.

Gustong-gusto ko noon na maranasan 'yung pakiramdam na tanggap ka, na may purpose ka. Ang sarap siguro sa pakiramdam na sa bawat hakbang papalayo na gagawin ko may taong pilit na hahawakan ang mga kamay ko. I want to feel that certain kind of feeling where the people I love loves me back and truly madly afraid to lose me. And, the saddest part was, they never did. Not even once.

I have regrets before. A lot. I hate that I lived my life not trying hard and forbidding myself to accept people in my life before. However, those things were part of my past. Notwithstanding, I experienced the best result and indeed it's quiet fascinating. Natuto ako ng maraming bagayㅡ Magmahal ng hindi nanghihingi ng kapalit, magpatawad, tumanggap nang pagkakamali, at higit sa lahat natuto akong bumangon mula sa mga bagay na pilit akong pinadadapa noon.

Most of my experienced when I was young could literally passed as worst. Hindi man naging maganda ang marami sa aking mga karanasan noon pero ang importante ay kinaya ko. Nalagpasan ko naman. Pilit naman akong bumangon. I became more optimistic and I ought to see the goodness in everything. I have faith on myself now.

Truly.

And like what they said, everything happens for a reason.

I pursed my lips as Ryle collected his baggages. Malungkot man ay pilit parin siyang ngumingiti. Pakiramdam ko tuloy ay wala akong karapatang maging malungkot dahil kinakaya naman niya.

I also wanted him to see me brave enough to let him go for the meantime. And even if we have to live far away from each other, I know, for a guarantee, that this love is stronger.

"I'll be back. Can you wait for me?" He asked, holding my face.

Dahan-dahan akong napatango habang pinipigilan ang tuluyan nang pag-iyak. Marahang hinaplos ni Ryle ang pisngi ko bago ako hinalikan sa noo.

Dalawang taon lang naman.

Mabilis lang naman.

"I will try to call you everyday." Ryle mumbled.

I pursed my lips as I slowly nodded.

"Take care of yourself,"  He added. "Sleep on time... Enjoy... I'll be back as soon as I can. Mahal na mahal kita."

Isang mahigpit na yakap ang ibinigay niya sa akin at isang malalim na halik bago kami tuluyang naghiwalay.

"Mahal kita." Bulong ko sa sarili ko habang nalulunod sa mga luhang kanina ko pa pinipigilan.

Akala ko magiging madali na ang sitwasyon namin ni Ryle dahil tanggap na kami ng pamilya namin ngunit hindi parin pala. Ryle left for work abroad. Hindi niya rin gusto ngunit kailangan.

For two years, I have to wait. I will just enjoy my time even though I miss him every seconds of the day.

"Oh. Happy Valentines, Ma'am! Miss mo na si architect?" Ani Jessa pagkapasok ko palang.

Tipid akong napangiti habang deretso ang pagtuloy ko sa aking opisina. May flowers sila sa akin ngunit hindi ko talaga mapigilang hindi malungkot. I kept on checking my phone, waiting for Ryle's call. This isn't just a Valentines Day but our first anniversary as well.

I miss him.

I wish I could see him or at least talk to him.

Ngunit kahit isang tawag o message manlang ay wala akong natanggap. My mood is very sour for the whole day. I have no idea on whatever I'm reading. Pati ang mga madadaling gawain sa'kin ay mukhang naging mahirap. Nawalan na ata ako ng gana sa lahat ng bagay. Kahit sa pag-d-drive pauwi ay malungkot ako.