You're Such An Idiot

Chapter 17-Adora

I have to go and talk to Razz, alone. The more we are, the more likely it is that she'll get confused (I mean, more than usual) and start talking nonsense. It's better if I just bring Swift Wind along, he's a familiar face for Razz. But right now I just can't leave. I'm back to my room, lying in bed with Catra, trying to calm her down after... whatever happened to her. The guilt is growing like a physical presence inside of me, I can feel its clutches tightening around my throat. Catra's expression is so distant and motionless it makes me shiver. No matter what I tell her, she just won't believe me.

"Catra, please, don't do this..." I try, again. "I just want to talk to Razz. I'm not planning anything, I mean it. I just want to know more about the magic of Etheria, that's all"

"So that you can learn how to use it to open the portal, sure" she whispers, no emotions in her voice.

"What if we find a safe way to do it? What if I can learn to use the magic to make She-Ra even stronger? I should at least try to know more about it!"

"Why would you need to get stronger?" she snaps. "What battle are you fighting? The war is over, Adora. Everything is just fine. But you can't just sit back, can you? The world needs She-Ra, am I right? It doesn't matter what you need, let alone what I need. We both know I don't matter"

Her words hurt me like knives: they hurt as much as the scratches from our fights, only this time I don't know how to respond to her attacks.

"Stop saying that" I beg her. "You know it's not true. This is not only about us, this is something bigger. You can't keep me safe forever, Catra. Etheria chose me to be She-Ra, I have to find out about the magic of the planet if I want to understand who I am. She-Ra is a part of me, whether you like it or not, and She-Ra is a part of Etheria. I need to do this, for me"

"Go ahead, then" she replies, still not looking at me in the eyes.

"But it doesn't mean I'll do something stupid and get myself killed, okay?" I insist. "I don't want to be a hero, Catra. I just want to be me"

"Same thing"

"No, it's not. I promise I just want to talk to Razz, and if she tells me that the magic must not be used, then I won't. We won't. And we'll stop talking about the portal, for good"

She takes a deep breath. "Whatever. It's not like I can convince you otherwise, anyway"

I sigh, looking away. It's pointless. She's not going to listen. I lean forward to kiss her forehead, but when my lips touch her skin, she starts, flattening her ears. This hurts me more than all the scars on my back.

"I'll be right back, okay?" I tell her, trying to prevent my voice from shaking, without much success. I get up and go for the door, but when I open it, Melog comes in. They rub their head against my legs, then look at me and let out a sad meow. I can tell they are reacting to Catra's feelings. I kneel and pet them behind their ears.

"Take care of her while I'm gone, 'kay?" I smile. Melog nods and jumps on our bed, curling up next to Catra. I look in her direction, hoping she'll say something or at least look at me, but she doesn't.

So I just leave.

I find Swift Wind in the gardens of Bright Moon. He's munching among the bushes, probably looking for fallen apples. He senses me coming way before I get close to him, so he raises his head and shakes his mane to impress me.

"Adora!" he greets me. "I was wondering when you'd come and visit your favorite noble steed"

"You're actually my one and only steed" I object.