Eccedentesiast

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Solivagant- Wandering alone.

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Warning: Chapter deals with self harm please skip the end of this chapter if uncomfortable with that...

I'm the first one awake that next morning. Unable to sleep I'm not sure what time I woke up, but I got out of bed at five after having enough of staring at the ceiling and fidgeting with my bracelet. And knowing it's going to be a few hours till everyone is up, I get some time to myself. When the light just barley makes an appearance, I go for a walk. Instantly, the fresh air relaxes me and instead of listening to music I listen to the sounds around me. Birds chirp and a light breeze plays around in the air. Rather than that and the sound of me walking on the dirt road, there's nothing else. No talking, laughing, yelling, or anything from anyone. It's like I'm in my own little world and I love it.

I end up walking to a lake that's near the cabin, usually we take four wheelers there but walking also works. Only people that have a place up here know about it, the lake is pretty well hidden, that's what I love about it. I sit down on the grass, looking out at the blue lake. It's actually not that big, it's smaller but that's part of the beauty.

I do something that I didn't mean to do, and don't realize until I tear falls on my hand. I'm not really sure why I'm crying, and I begin to feel weak for it. I feel alone, and don't get me wrong, I love to be alone, but this is different. It's where I am alone, I can't talk to anyone, no one is there for me. It's hard to explain how I got to this point. I feel like I'm trapped or my lips are sealed shut. All I want to do I yell out, 'help me,' but all that does come out is a smile and, 'I'm great.'

Most of the time I feel fine with that, I'm fine bottling everything up, I don't need anyone. But sometimes it slips, and I get the pathetic feeling of wanting someone there. I laugh at myself because that's the funny thing, I want someone there but if someone tried to be I would just push them away and say I don't want their help.

I wipe my tears away angrily and try to bring my breathing back down to normal. I hate when this happens, but it always does when I least expect it. I'm grateful I wasn't a panic attack, those also happen at random times. I focus my gaze on something else, I spot a little squirrel running across the grass and up a tree, the small creature continues to go up the tree till it's out of my sight.

I don't know how long I stay at the lake, a decent amount of time though. I find it hard to leave, but I head back before anyone is up. I was wrong though, when I am back everyone is awake except Porter and Kinzley. I sneak past them before they see me and I find myself walking into the bathroom.

I lock the door and look at my reflection, I look as bad as I feel. I've taken off the mask that I constantly keep on and show how I feel I really feel for a moment. I look terrible honestly, I looked drained. The little hours of sleep I've gotten has made bags form under my eyes and my face is still blotchy. I smile, trying to make my appearance look better but it doesn't really work.

I strip from my clothes and get in the shower, turning the water hotter and hotter to the point it burns my skin but I don't change it back down. I get out and look at my skin that's now bright red. I run my fingers lightly over my arm when I hear someone laughing on the other side of the door. I knock out of my little zone out and get dressed and dry my hair. An oversized t-shirt and sweatpants, nothing special at all, but it's comfortable.

Down stairs everyone is now up, everyone laughs in the kitchen and Kinzley is sat down leaning her head against the wall with a scowl on her face indicating someone probably woke her up. She hates being woken up and is always in a cranky mood for about an hour if she is. But sometimes she needs to be, that girl can sleep all day and through anything if she's not.

"Ah Darth Vader there you are!" Porter wraps his arms around me.

"Yeah, yeah, get off of me," I push him off of me causing a laugh from him.

"You hungry?" he points to the food on the counter. "We made breakfast."

"Nah I'm good," I sit down on the bar stool next to Kinzley and glance from the food to Porter. He grabs his plate and leans against the counter next to Kashton and Hegan. Everly sits next to me, giving me a smile and a soft, 'good morning,' which I repeat back. "I'm surprised you guys didn't burn down the kitchen."

"Hey, we are amazing cooks for your information," Hegan defends playfully. I smile and look out the window.

Someone snaps their fingers in front of me, I look up at Porter causing him to laugh, "we lost you there for a sec V."

"Can you shut up?" Kinzley flings her watermelon rind at him before adjusting the hood on her head. "You're being loud."

"Aw I'm sorry did the princes not get enough beauty sleep," Porter grins.

"Yeah thanks to you idiot," she retorts.

"No, this is why you shouldn't stay up until four in the morning," Everly butts in. Kinzley rolls her eyes and leans back into the wall.

"Why are you even wearing sunglasses inside?" I question.

"Because I can," she mumbles.

Let's just say that her mood doesn't last too long, she actually becomes hyper really fast, it's like she's drunk. She falls down on the ground laughing her ass off and all I can do is curl up on the couch and watch the girl with amusement.

•••

The rest of the day was pretty eventful, we watched movies, played games and even went down to the lake that I was at earlier. But things took a turn and went downhill for me. Do you remember when I said, Kinzley was acting like she's drunk? Well now she really is, they all are. They all started drinking, who knows where the hell Porter got the alcohol, but it was here and in a matter of time we had three drunk teenagers in the house.

I never have been a fan of drinking, I know a lot of people drink to forget and numb the pain but it only seems to make things worse for me. I always seem to have a panic attack when I drink, it's honestly made my attacks worse if that's even possible. I stopped hoping that I would get better but that's not true. And it's never like that I was addicted, I used to just drink at parties and stuff. I've never seen the fun in it either.

I glance at Kashton, he's also not drinking, he hasn't come anywhere near the alcohol or vodka or whatever it is they're drinking. I didn't really look.  He talks to a drunken Hegan, amused, as he sips on a glass of coke. You think they would be more responsible.

I scroll on my phone through my Instagram, at this point, the girls have disappeared leaving me with the boys. As I continue to scroll, a picture of me comes up on someone's page. I shut my phone off and close my eyes tightly, I don't check at who it was from and I don't need to read the caption to know what it says about me. It's not true, it's not true. I repeat to myself. When my breathing becomes quicker, I excuse myself not sure if anyone heard me or not.

I stumble up to the bathroom, looking at my figure in the mirror once again. Ugly. fat. Disgrace. Disappointment. Mistake. Nobody will love you. Just kill yourself already. The thoughts repeat over and over and get so loud I begin to feel suffocated. I can't breathe. I'm trapped. I want to scream out but nothing comes out of my mouth making me panic even more.  I need a distraction.

I fumble around, I open and slam the drawers in the bathroom looking through all of them not sure what I'm looking for but something to distract me. I suddenly find something, I become still, except my breathing is shaky and so is my hands. I pick up the small pocket knife and rub my thumb over the letters D.K. that is carved into it. I'm assuming it's Porters dads knife and he just left it up here.

I sit down and lean against the wall, staring at the pocket knife and slowly open it up. An apology softly comes out of me to the owner that's not even here nor will know that I ever even touched it. The knife makes contact with the first part of my skin that's closest to me. It happens to be my wrist. I close my eyes as I press the knife down and run it across my wrist. The pain comes in and it's what I needed, and I feel sick for saying I enjoyed it.

Tears come to my eyes as I watch the blood run down my arm from the multiple cuts that will soon go to the pile of other scars.

"Vayda, what the hell are you going?!"

I forgot to lock the door.