Eccedentesiast

|21|

Paroxysm- Sudden outburst of emotion.

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V A Y D A

I wish that I would believe that I'm okay if I repeated it enough in my head. Why can't I just go a day without feeling like I'm going to break? I hate it. I hate it so bad.

I want to scream, I want to scream till my throat is raw and I can't anymore. I hate feeling frustrated with myself, I hate myself for crying right now. I hate feeling scared and alone. I hate all the negative thoughts and that they will never leave no matter how hard I try to think positive.

I hate being a disappointment. I hate feeling disgusted with myself. I hate that I'm always having a hard time sleeping. I hate that I have so many monsters living in my mind and everything they say is true no matter how bad I want it to be a lie. I hate that I'm still here. I hate it all. I hate how it all hurts.   

I'm so tired of the tears. I'm tired of the pain. I'm tired of the fake smiles and the acting. I hate hiding it but it's better than trying to explain. It's better than people looking at you like you're broken and acting that they can crack you any moment.

I'm tired of feeling scared whenever I'm home alone like I am now, terrified by the fact that I might take things too far. What if I did? What is stopping me? I want to know what it is, why won't I just get it over with?

People will say it's not worth it, that life will get better. But why does my life keep getting worse then? Why do I begin to feel emptier and more lost every day?

I jump more than I should've when my phone rings. I glance down at the caller ID and chose to ignore it. The ringing stops and I let out a breath but then it starts back up seconds after.

I ignore it again, not in the mood to talk to anyone. I run my hands over my face but instantly wince and close my eyes. It's been about a week since my fight with b.b. so it's better than it was.

When they call again I grow irritated and pick it up, "What do you want Logan?"

"Hello to you to Sugar," he utters. "Ya know, you're going to get fired if you don't show up again."

I pull the phone away to look at the time, I was supposed to be at the diner a half-hour ago. "Oh shit," I curse.

"Yeah, oh shit is right. Get your ass down here."

When he hangs up the phone, I scramble up to my feet and quickly get ready. I've always hated the uniform that we have to wear, it's nothing but uncomfortable. Though it is long-sleeved, which is nice. 

Making sure I have everything, I get out of the house and to the diner as quickly as possible. I throw my hair up into a ponytail in the parking lot as I forgot to do it at home.

The diner is quiet, only a few customers are here but mentally prepare myself as I know that we will get busier later on in the day.

"Took you long enough," Logan mutters.

"What got stuck up your ass today?"

He scoffs at me. "Oh good, Vayda you're here," Reagan hands me over a cup and I can already tell who it's for. "Take that to table two please."  I take the white mug and stick my tongue out at Logan just to irritate him more than he already is.

Scott is one of our regulars. He's an older man, extremely sweet. He comes in a few times a week for a cup of hot chocolate while he does his crossword puzzles.

"And here you are," I place the mug in front of him. "How are you doing today?"

"Thank you, Darlin'," he smiles. "I'm doing great, just got a new grandson the other day."