Eccedentesiast

|9|

Anodyne- anything that relieves stress or pain.

•••

I'm so stupid. How could I be so stupid?! I should've made sure that the door was locked or at least grabbed a hoodie so I cloud cover up. But I didn't, I didn't think of it at the moment. I didn't think that anyone would be coming up here.

My eyes go wide and I scramble up to my feet hiding my wrist and knife behind my back. I cower away but they come closer.

"Show me your wrist," he grits.

"No."

"Vayda-"

"You can't just barge in here Kashton," I yell.
"Get the hell out!"

But he doesn't, he only comes closer, I back up as much as I can, as if that would help. He reaches behind me, prying the knife out of my hand and bringing my wrist close up to his face. I try to rip it away but it doesn't budge. A wave of sadness washes over him and I scoff at his fakeness.

He finally let's go, I hide it back behind me. Kashton's eyes become hard again but his tone is soft and sad. "Why would you do that?"

Because I'm in pain. I needed a distraction. It helps me. "Why would you care?" I spat. He looks at me guilty. "Don't look at me like that! Don't pity me and don't pretend you care."
I push past him, I head down the stairs, outside on the patio. Kashton made the stupid mistake of following me. Don't cry, don't cry, especially in front of him.

Kash grabs my shoulders, turning me towards him. There's no sign of any anger in him anymore, only panic, worry, and sadness. "Vayda," he whispers. "Don't do this, don't hide away. You can talk to me."

I looked at him for a moment, searching his eyes before pushing away from him again, "No I can't." I shake my head and glance back at him. "You can't blame me for something that I didn't do, be a total asshole, ignore me then expect me to talk to you. Plus I have nothing to talk about."

"Then why were you harming yourself?" He raises his voice but seems to regret it as soon as I flinch. "Vayda," he sighs and rubs his forehead. "I'm sorry. I know I was a total dick to you,  I was just frustrated and took it out on you."

"You were a douchebag, you didn't even let me talk," I fold my arms and watch him nod. "But that doesn't explain why you did it."

He nods again, "I know, I'm sorry." I smile sadly and begin to walk away, but he catches my hand. "Do you forgive me?"

I want to say, no. I want to say it so bad but I can't. Only because I've been in his position before. "I forgive you," His face lights up but his gaze goes down to my wrist, I hide it from his view. "But only because I know what it's like to seek for forgiveness and not get it."

I go but he stops me once again, "can we start over?"

I don't want to, I want to say no and leave me the hell alone. I want to never talk to him again, and continue on with life. But I find myself nodding, sitting down on the couch outside, second chances are something I believe in, I think everyone deserves them but depending on what they did. I think I would be the childish one for not forgiving him.

I sigh and look through the window and see both boys passed out on the couches, I shake my head, I still have no idea where the girls are.

Kashton sits down next to me, he seems nervous and keeps glancing at my wrist. I'm still uncomfortable that he caught me. I stand up muttering that I'll be back and for him to wait there. I go up into my room, grab my navy hoodie putting it on. It's not my hoodie, It's Lennon, my brother's actually. I guess you could say that we used to be close before he left for college. When he left he left this here and I stole only because it's comfortable and I like how big it is on me. The sleeves go past my hands, hiding my wrists. That's all I need.

I head back outside and we talk. We talked for a long time. We talked like we were friends and we were back on a good note. Though once and awhile he would ask about my feelings or my wrist and I would just change the subject each time. He made me promise that I would not harm myself again which I agreed only because I didn't want to talk about it. It's sadly a promise I know I will break.

K A S H T O N

I 'll be honest, when I saw Vayda in the bathroom I panicked. I don't know what the cause was for her to result in harming herself. I was mad at her, and I'm guilty for not exactly having a reason to be mad at her, when knowing she's hurting makes me worried and more guilty. I just hope that I wasn't the cause of that.

When mom fell into her depression, she started to harm herself, it freaked Lewis and I out and that's when we made her start going to a therapist. It pained me to see my mother in so much pain and when she started hurting herself I was afraid one day we were going to find her dead. I guess seeing Vayda do the same thing made me alarmed.

I worry about Vayda, I don't know what she's going through but I can tell she's struggling. I don't pity her though, sometimes it's the last thing you want.

She's changed into a hoodie covering up her figure, covering up her wrists. It makes me wonder how long she's been doing it and why. I don't push it, I can tell she doesn't want to talk about it. I will ask once in a while but she just keeps changing the subject.

We talk about other stuff, it was awkward at first but we're both becoming more comfortable. I can tell she's distracted though, she keeps zoning out. I have to repeat what I say or it takes her a minute to respond.

I want to ask what happened, she seemed fine downstairs and all of a sudden she just ran up. But again I don't push it because I know she doesn't trust me and I understand that. I wouldn't either. I was an ass to her and now I'm acting like nothing happened.

"Hey Kash?" I hum and look at the brown hair girl in front of me. "I'm sorry."

"Why are you sorry?"

"You weren't supposed to see me upstairs," I frown. "But please don't say anything to anyone."

I hesitate, but nod when she pleads me. She sounds so broken and I want to help but I don't know what to do.

She smiles slightly when I nod, "thanks Kash," she stands up. "Now, let's go inside, it's getting cold."

Inside her smile grows as she looks at Porter and Hegan who are still asleep. She's good at hiding her pain, but there's something that flashes through her eyes and she plays with her bracelet. I've realized it's something that she does when she is anxious. The bracelet has a gold plate, connected by a black string. It's an adjustable bracelet, she'll bring the circle part down then tighten it as tight as it will let her. I've never seen her take it off, and it confuses me that she wears it because she doesn't seem like the type to be into jewelry.

The gold part says something but I'm not sure what, I've also seen Kinzley where the same one, just silver. I'll have to ask about it later.

We talk a little more but soon she heads off to bed, assuring me she was actually going to bed and not doing anything. When she's gone I remember I still have the knife in my pocket. The D.K. Makes it obvious that it's not hers and I wonder where she got it from.

I sigh and look at the direction Vayda left. I want her to trust me, I want to know what happened to her. I just hope there is something I can do to help.

•••

My school got canceled today, so I was able to update quicker than normal!
Please make sure to vote and comment, I would really appreciate it if you let me know what your thoughts are on this.

~Paislee 💕