Moonlight Kisses

her punishment

beau.

I saw the way my words shattered her yesterday. With my own eyes I witnessed the weight of my words under which she crumbled like a rose in a closed fist. The broken look in her eyes was unmistakable as she yelled over and over again how much she hated me and how badly she never wanted to see me again. And when her voice ran hoarse and fought to suppress her sobs she still managed the few words with the heaviest burden of them all.

"You're dead to me."

Those 4 words played on repeat through my mind all morning. Taunting me. Reminding me of the foreign remorse I felt. I didn't actually even realize it was remorse until I was tossing and turning last night thinking about the hurt on Jordyn's face. We've fought countless times and not one time did she ever look so defeated, so humiliated.

And I made her feel that way.

Words don't have the power to hurt someone unless they care about you. I've learned that a great deal. So what truly fucked with me was how Jo took my insults. Usually she's firing them back at a relentless pace and yet here she was yesterday sobbing.

What I said to her was purely out of retaliation. I was already pissed because Dominic told me the truth about where she spent her weekend, my cruelty was merely spiteful. What I told her about Jake was true. He only saw her as another pretty girl to fuck. When he found out she was a virgin, his conquest became more, he wanted to stake a claim in her. He wanted to be the one to corrupt her.

When I found that out, I thought ─ no, I knew I couldn't let that happen to her. I just knew I had to protect her from his dark motives. It made no sense to me, and it still doesn't, why I could do the same to Serenity, pursue her for the sole purpose of being the one she lost her virginity to, and the thought of that happening to Jo just made bile rise to my throat. Right off the bat I knew she was a smart girl, so I thought Jake would have a challenge with that one. He'd give up after realizing she wasn't going to give herself so easily.

But then she came to me asking for help. She was desperate for an advantage and I took that as my ticket in because if I know my best friend as well as I think I do, I know that he hates one thing more than anything, and that's losing. So while he thinks he lost her to me, I'm deeming her off limits to the cruel games he plays. I wasn't lying when I told her I wanted to make him see that she wasn't just some object.

I don't actually believe any of those things I said to her, but somewhere in my fucked up mind I decided to spit out just about every hurtful thing I could say. I just wish she'd believe me when I told her Jake isn't the saint he paints himself to be. But I can see why she lets her apprehensiveness get the best of her. In the world's eyes, I'm the asshole who doesn't give a fuck about anyone or anything and Jake is the golden boy who only wants the best for everyone. Anyone who knows Jake knows that it's all an act.

I guess we all have our roles to play. If I'm the enemy, so be it. I'd rather be the outright villain than the two-faced protagonist.

I get to school late on purpose so I don't "accidentally" break Jake's nose. It's one thing to take Jo on a weekend trip. It's another to take her even while under the impression that she's my girlfriend and not have the decency to tell me first. Shit, at least I know where we stand now.

I can't lie, I'm nervous about seeing her in class. A part of me prays she doesn't show up so I don't have to face the damage I've done. Well technically we've done. She shouldn't have gone with Jake in the first place and I shouldn't have said all that shit to her. So we're both in the wrong. But fuck, I can't help the thought of the pure truth laced in her words. I know she wasn't fucking with me about not wanting to see me ever again, about me being dead to her, but when I know what I want, I tend to get it.