Moonlight Kisses

a sign of light

There hasn't been a day that's gone by that I've regretted my decision to do better. Right up until now. As I stare up at the building, avoiding the harsh glares of sunlight reflecting off its blue-tinted windows, from the safety of the passenger seat of Beau's car a looming feeling settles upon me. One I didn't feel at all until we pulled into this parking lot.

"You know," I say, hesitance dripping from my tone, "maybe I should look into aromatherapy, I heard it works wonders." Beau really has rubbed off on me all these months, now I'm the one feeding him excuses we both know are too dumb and not well thought out to even pass as a possibility. Besides we're already in front of the office, my appointment is in no more than thirty minutes. I may as well try this whole thing out like I've been saying I would for nearly a week now.

Not buying into me for a second, he gives my hand an encouraging squeeze. He hasn't let go since he started driving. Almost like the whole time he knew that at some point I'd get overwhelmed by the whole idea of pouring myself out to some stranger. "Baby, come on, you're the strongest person I know. You got this, I believe in you." He presses his lips against the back of my hand, sending a whirlwind of butterflies right to the pit of my stomach. I look away shyly.

It was still so surreal to me, the fact that it took me this long to get the help I've desperately needed all these years. And that it took so many drastic twists and turns, the lowest of lows, to bring me here. Things would have been so much easier if I had just gathered the courage to come so many months back, when our relationship was fresh. Maybe then it wouldn't have been so hard on us, adjusting to life with another person in it.

Dwelling on my past is one of my biggest problems. Right now I should be thinking about what this can do for us and how far getting healthier mentally can get us. But my mind is running on overload. Letting the cons outweigh the pros.

"We should go inside before I find any other reasons to say no to this," I chuckle weakly, opening my door to allow the humid wind inside the cooled car. Damn I hate California summers. I've only experienced one, but one is way more than enough.

"You'll be fine, Jo," he calls out to me over the hood of the car. "If it gets too much you can always tell your therapist, I'm sure she'll be understanding."

God I hope so. I can't even begin to talk to the people I love about the things I'm going through, let alone some complete stranger. I'm hoping some college degrees and neutrality will help coax me along to somewhat trust this woman to help me get better. Maybe it's the whole non-judgemental space that makes it somewhat easier to be able to walk into a stranger's office and dump everything that's going on in my mind all out on the table. Whereas even the people I love and trust could have some tinge to judgement in them. They've got to, we all do.

Something's got to set aside a therapist from the people I love. I've tried the whole venting thing with Beau, it works but only for a short amount of time before things come caving in again. We've tried all these months to repair things on our own for my sake. During that time he's shown me that we don't always have to take things on by ourselves. It's okay to need help.

Beau holds the door open for me to walk into the office. The freezing cold air conditioning hits us like one of the best tidal waves one could ever think of. A powerful air conditioner that could overtake 90 degree power is godsend here in the hotter months.

We check in by the front desk to ask what floor we have to go to. I purposely didn't go to the clinic where my mom works because I don't want her to know just yet. I don't want to make her feel bad because I haven't had the courage to speak to her about, well, anything. I've only seen her a few times since the hospital and none of us have made plans for me to go back into my old room anytime soon. As far as I know, it's been vacant since that morning. Like a piece of me died in there and no one has built up the strength to walk into the midst of what was dead and gone.