Moonlight Kisses

motive

There's nothing like a carefree lunch date to lighten my mood after the tempestuous week I've had.

With SAT's and finals right around the corner, I've tried to be wiser in managing my time. That meant less time socializing and more time putting my nose in textbooks I could care less for after high school. The drastic plot twist of events a week prior to now only goes to show how far I've strayed from my schoolwork and how badly I needed to find a routine again.

Structure has always been a part of my life. In order to get things done, I needed a list set word for word, hour by hour of where I'd put my focus for that window of time. Going without that organized lift of things to do made it all the more difficult to stay on track without those external distractions. With lists and agendas, everything became simpler. You knew what you had to do and you did them. It made life more predictable in a sense. I didn't have to worry about being swept up in another commotion my friends caused for themselves. It gave my mind something to think about besides the obvious tornado going on around me.

Admittedly, I have been using loads of studying to distract myself. Distance from external matters was what I needed and I'd been backed up on SAT prep for months now so it didn't hurt to use this time to catch up. It was mentally draining and stressful, juggling classes and such, but it wasn't breaking me down like the chaos that had erupted around me. I was able to control my every move. I didn't have to worry about someone doing something that could throw my plans off track. When it comes to my school, everything is in my hands. All the aspects I could control fell into my lap and as much responsibility as that was, I liked it so much better than constantly worrying about what someone else would do that affected my life.

But it doesn't mean I didn't worry at all. I haven't completely driven myself away from my friends, family, and love life, but I have taken a step back for my own good. Seeing the bigger picture rather than allowing myself to sink into every little detail. Beau and I watched from afar in a healthier way now. Still being there for our friends and families while also making sure there's space to work on ourselves and our futures. Schoolwork can only do so much for my anxiety. It heightens it but it also can't block me completely from being concerned about the people I love. Or just people in general.

Damn do I hate being empathetic.

Since I've decided to spend so much of my time and energy on my SAT prep, Beau, reluctantly, began to do the same once he realized this was one of my real 'things' and not just something to distract me from this awkward estrangement between our sisters. He wanted to spend time with me in any way that he could, even if it was something he didn't feel like doing. Even though it was too late to sign up to take the SAT in the spring, he still wanted to help me. So while I read through source material for the English portion, he graded my practice tests and made flashcards for just about everything. I awarded him with kisses and cuddles after which is ultimately all he wanted in return.

Well that and sex...

Just because my social life diminished didn't mean my sex life had to.

Beau finally convinced me to go out with him this weekend. He agreed not to keep it a surprise as long as I was able to make a decision on where we were going, which anyone who knows me knows I fucking suck at making decisions. I'd spend an hour coming to one conclusion only to end up doubting it the next day and picking something else. The first thing I settled on I told Beau right away because I know how I am and I knew he would be persistent on me not doubting myself. So when I tried to coax him into giving into my indecisive behavior, he turned back down to the terms he was writing down and pretended not to hear me.

I decided on this contemporary spot that's best known for their acai bowls. I knew I wouldn't want anything too heavy on my stomach because that would only make me tired and being sleepy takes away from my productivity. Beau isn't one for fruit bowls or salads or anything of that manner really, he likes to call it 'kids food' and claims it doesn't fill him up for shit. I told him time and time again that today I'd prove him wrong and sure enough he sits before a nearly finished bowl of acai and delectable fruit toppings to go with it. In typical Beau fashion, he went with whatever I chose so we both had around equal amounts of strawberry, banana, and granola covered in thick purple acai. We sit across from one another, taking in the scenic surroundings. L.A. at its core can be a hustle-and-bustle kind of place. It's a city that never shows signs of stopping. But there's also quaint spots like this where the indoor plants are vibrant and the minimalist decor makes all the difference. It feels like home here, to be honest. A home away from all the crazy chaos of this booming city.