Moonlight Kisses

heaven and hell

tw: blood, intense sex scene

beau.

Heaven and hell. Two polar opposites that could never work in the same realm as one another.

The bus gets off the jam-packed freeway. At the same time as the driver exits off the nearest ramp, our coach turns around to inform us that the game has been postponed until further notice due to the other school having some 'undisclosed issues' with their players.

It was for the best anyway. Now I get to go back to her.

I've felt like utter shit the entire day. No amount of times Jo confessed that our issues were only her doing could take away the guilt in the pit of my stomach. I walked around with the heavy burden of a breakup weighing on my shoulders. Just because I almost broke up with her this morning doesn't mean I actually want it to happen. Thinking back on it now, I don't have a clue as to why I said that to her. I knew it would break her. I knew it would break her heart that's been torn apart one too many times.

But at the moment, it felt like the very last thing I could do. We've gotten into numerous fights. We've sat down and talked about her lying problem. I've given that girl chance after chance and none of it seems to be enough. Something has to set her straight.

If it's a break-up, so be it. I'd rather break up with her now than go through another pattern of lies. I meant some portion of what I said to her. About not being able to be with her if I couldn't trust her. We can't go on like this. It will ruin us in the long run. I've already dealt with enough trust issues as it is. Her knowing that and blatantly disregarding it every time she lies to my face isn't something I can force myself to put up with much longer. I practically forced myself to let her in just so I could have a shot with her and if she's only going to use that to her advantage, a life apart is what we're looking at.

I still love her. I fear I always will. But there's only so much my heart and mind can take. If she were in my position, she would have broken up with me a long time ago, no questions asked. But when it's her, I'll allow her to slide off with a lot more shit because I've always felt indebted to her. Jo saved me. From my demons, from my self-destructive tendencies, every harmful thing I did to myself before was put to an abrupt end by her. She gave me a reason to live. I breathe for her. Letting go of someone like that could just as well be the end of me, but staying in a relationship like this could never work out in the end. Mistrust and love can never coexist, no matter how much of a fight we put up.

At least the cancellation of the game gives us more time to talk. I was dead serious about the break-up thing hours ago yet now it's merely a warning. If she keeps up this lying pattern of hers, a separation is ultimately where we're headed. Hopefully, she keeps that in mind from here on out and finally decides to make the choice to change. I understand her dissociative pattern makes it difficult for her to own up to things sometimes. I'll always do what I can to accommodate that rewiring of her brain. However, that's only to a fault. Enabling her will do her more harm than good, so to some degree, I have to hold her accountable in some ways. So that maybe one day she'll realize the help she needs.

We didn't make it that far from school anyhow. We're back in no more than half an hour, which is more than enough time to think about what I'm going to say to her. First and foremost, I'm going to apologize for even resorting to a break-up. That's possibly the most severe and rash decision I could have made considering what we have. I trust that she loves me with everything she has and I trust that she wouldn't betray me in a way that was unforgivable. It's only the accumulation of lies in these most recent weeks that drove me to a breaking point and I needed her to comprehend what they were doing to me. Then I'd solidify us, tell her that as long as she continues to be honest with me I'd have no reason to end things between us. Tell her over and over again that I love her, that I need her, that I would do anything to keep her with me. We'll probably end up watching the show she's been begging for me to watch with her and she'll fall asleep in my arms again.