Moonlight Kisses

the family i never had

beau.

Naturally things get easier the second time you do them.

Some people can be taught the first time around and retrace their steps to complete it a second time. The first-time nerves go away. You find yourself getting comfortable with what you're doing. Before you know it, you can't even remember why you were nervous in the first place.

Abnormally so, I'm scared shitless driving to Jo's house today for a dinner that could explode as fast as it can go well. I didn't think I'd be this nervous after meeting her father. I thought I'd left all those shuddering nerves the day I walked away from that restaurant grateful to be able to say I earned her father's approval. Doing this a second time round should have been easy to approach. But I was proved wrong by the pit of anxiousness in my stomach since this morning. And this time it's eating away at me with a vengeance.

A few days ago, Jo let me know that on Sunday I'd be here at 7 p.m., since that's really the only time her whole family can coordinate and be there. Even Kat, supposedly to 'lighten things up'. Which in her vocabulary is another term for throwing jabs at me left and right and lifting the spirits of others. Given her parents' hectic work schedules, I'm incredibly grateful they both found a way to organize this family dinner. Even if they're only doing it to support Jo in getting to know me, it's still something to be thankful for. That they're all willing to give us a voice.

Speaking of, I haven't had contact with her all day. Well, little to no contact, which I can notice drastically since we spend nearly everyday together. Whether it's talking or texting or fucking, we're alwys together, joined at the hip constantly. Today, Jo has barely answered any of my texts. Much less my calls. It's made it harder to put my mind at ease. When I met her dad, she was giving me constant reassurance that I would win him over, that I didn't even know I needed. In the past few hours it's been radio silence. No calls. Short texts. She didn't stay over at my house last night so I didn't get to wake up with her in my bed this morning.

I have no clue why she's being so distant. My mind immediately goes to the worst. Something happened to her that she won't tell me about. Something she's actively trying to forget. This separation feels a lot like when she was trying to force herself to forget the pregnancy scare ever happened. I had hoped I made it clear to her that if she tried to do that again she would 'disappoint' me. At least that's how I thought her mind took it.

Maybe that was too much to ask for. Too much too soon for her. She's had years upon years of feeding herself lies, burying memories she shouldn't have. One conversation isn't going to change the way her brain is wired. If she's dealing with something she's not telling me about, she needs to cope with it somehow. That becomes her mind's ultimate priority. Healing.

That's the worst case scenario though. It's only been a day, possibly she's spending it with her mother or her sister. Maybe even Sophie, she's been out since noon as well. She's probably occupied. I'll see her tonight anyway. Assess how she's doing and hopefully get an answer as to why she's avoided me all day. Perhaps she got annoyed by me being so clingy and she needs a break. That'd be a viable reason.

But god I hope that's not it. I know I'm clingy when it comes to her, but it's only because she's the very first person I've genuinely opened my heart to. I've never trusted someone with my thoughts and feelings like I trust her to be careful with them. I never thought I'd care about someone so much as I do her. I'm thinking about her, all the time. She's all my thoughts revolve around. She's all I see when I open my eyes every morning and shut them each night. She's wholly ingrained into my mind and I can't find myself simply stepping away for a moment and risk hurting her that way. But if me being too close is hurting her, I'd hate that too. I'll step back if she needs me to. I don't want to, but I'd do anything for her.