Moonlight Kisses

the guilt trip

beau.

"Maybe it's always been better to just not feel at all."

She'd uttered those words to me when her pain was at an all-time peak. And there was nothing I could do about it. No amount of kisses or cuddles could have compensated for the dreams she burned that day. Telling her everything would be okay wasn't enough. Breaking down with her wasn't enough. Chocolate milkshakes weren't enough.

It's been three days since that ill-fated morning. Since reality gave her a cruel slap in the face that the baby she'd secretly been preparing herself for had been nothing but a figment of imagination. The test had been swept away by the garbage disposal yesterday, but the result would be forever ingrained into her mind. Not pregnant.

Being that I didn't expect her to react the way she did, I was nowhere near as prepared as I should have been to cushion her fall. I too was thinking that the test would come out positive. All of the signs pointed to yes. I thought there was a baby inside of her. Turns out there never was. As much of a relief it had been, I couldn't ignore the tiny part of me that was disappointed by the news. But I didn't anticipate her disappointment to become a full blown melt down. That's what got me. Not the truth coming to light, but what the truth did to my precious girl.

Seeing how badly the news broke her, well it broke me too. It's been a while since I've seen her so frantic and out of sorts. Come to think of it, it's rare for me to see her that upset. It wasn't normal for her unless she was dreaming and that she had no control over. She lost control while she was fully conscious. Only a handful of times have I witnessed her lose control over herself and panic because of it. She was hyperventilating, her face turned pale, her sobs wouldn't stop. She was broken.

I didn't want her to regress, but unfortunately, that's the price one has to pay when they're trying to make progress. Taking a few steps back is okay, as long as the will to reclaim those steps is still there. In her though, it's not. And it hasn't been for the past three days. I've been trying to get her out of the house. Away from her thoughts. I took her back to the art walk yesterday we went to so many months ago, and while she did grin a little, that bright moonlight just wasn't there. Her smiles were lacking that shiny luster, even when we retraced our steps back to our spot. A spot that had so many happy memories couldn't revive the severed connection between her smiles and their genuity.

She really was hell-bent on that 'not feeling' thing. I've done it before so I know that that pattern can end worse than if one does open themselves up to feelings. She only accepts the good emotions. Happiness, love, excitement. She welcomes those into her heart with gracefully open arms until it comes to the bad emotions. Sadness, grief, hope. Her heart will shun them away, leaving her with no opportunity to feel the hurt she was feeling. The thing is with going numb, you never know what hits you until it does. You start to care less and less. Start tricking yourself into thinking you're invincible. To emotions. To thoughts. To everything that made them go away.

When those things sneak up on her, and they're bound to, they'll knock down that wall of numbness and show no trace of Sophie. Being numb is like a drug, it feels good for the moment but it's the downfall that ultimately kills you. That or an overdose. She may have accepted that as her fate, but I won't. I can't. She's too good to go out like that. Jo deserves all the happiness this bittersweet world has to offer and if her refusal keeps her from it, I'll die fucking trying.

Then at that point neither of us will be able to say I never did.

I can't push if she doesn't pull. This numb thing isn't going to work. I let it slide for enough days now. And I did try to knock her out of it. But seeing as nothing has helped, it's time I start looking for a different approach.