Moonlight Kisses

their shared fear of caring

beau.

I've never held someone like this. I've never given comfort, much less received it. And yet here I was, making sure the girl in my arms would be okay. I held her for as long as she needed and not once did I think of letting her go. My shirt soaked up her tears as they fell down her face, making them disappear little by little. My chest muffled her pained sobs so no one heard just how broken his words left her. My arms hugged her body close to stop her cold trembling.

This seems so unfair in so many ways. Why would the universe let a girl like her hurt this much? She's too good for the rest of us hell-bound bastards, she shouldn't be damned to pain. Tears shouldn't be streaming down her radiant face. She's the source of light sent to earth to brighten up our miserable lives.

When she's down, all we're left with is darkness.

I didn't feel obligated to come to her aid. The moment my eyes fell upon her, the adrenaline pumping through my veins ceased to exist. When I pulled her to my chest, it just felt so...right. Like we'd done this a million times before. Maybe in another life where I wasn't an arrogant son of a bitch and she wasn't pinned down by her morals. Holding her felt like as close to the definition of perfect as anything could get. We fit together, even if our minds never coincide.

Somewhere in the time that we were in my room, I brought her exhausted body to the couch to lie down. She let out a small whine as I began to walk away, thinking I was going to just leave her there. Her captivating, though swollen, blue eyes stared up at me with a desperation I knew I didn't deserve. I kept my voice soft and gentle and told her I was only going to grab her a blanket. She nodded, reassuring herself she wasn't going to be left alone while she was hurting this much, and laid herself back down on the pillow I set out for her.

She fell asleep not long afterward. Her delicate breathing barely made a sound. Even though she didn't do anything in her sleep, she was just so angelic to watch. The small clicks of her tongue after she sighed in her sleep. The way she'd yawn before shifting onto her other side. The small grin that tugged on her pink lips, giving me some comfort that at least her dreams made her happy if her reality couldn't.

Once I was sure she was passed out for good, I went into my bathroom to clean myself up. Jake got some good hits on me, but most of the damage was on my knuckles. When I was throwing punches, I didn't give a shit if we were as close as brothers. The disrespectful shit that left his mouth warranted an ass-beating. When I was sitting there listening to all that shit a rush of blind rage came over me for reasons I can't even fathom. It's not something new for him to say. We talk like that all the time, so I don't know what made me snap.

"She's got you whipped."

Fucking Blaine. He put that stupid bullshit in my head and every so often it'll pop up like an annoying ass mosquito you can't seem to kill. He couldn't be more wrong. If it weren't for this deal, I wouldn't be paying as much attention to her than I do. And now because of that, she's found ways to get under my skin, making me question everything I believed in. This deal is doing more harm to the 2 of us than good, but we're both too fucking stubborn to admit that.

Today just furthered my confusion. I fought Jake because of the things he said about Jo. I took her upstairs not to fool around with her like I do with every girl, but to lend her a shoulder to cry on. She's sleeping on my couch and I'm not itching to tell her to get the fuck out.

But I don't fucking care about her. We could fit as perfectly as the stars are aligned and it won't make a difference to our natural ways of being. I won't be here when she's crying and needs someone to cling to. That takes a level of commitment I'll never be able to give her. She'll only set herself up for failure by expecting me to act this way all the time. To be good to her all the time. This is just a momentary lapse in my judgment that was clouded on her behalf. A product of her manipulation. She plays this good girl act to wrap everyone close to her around her finger and now she's trying it on me. It's not going to work. It won't ever work. I know better.