Moonlight Kisses

just might kill you

beau.

Every excruciating minute that passed not knowing when she would wake up kept my eyes stinging from a lack of sleep. Every agonizing moment where I didn't know what was going through her mind tortured me more than she'll ever know. Those few hours went by like years and it was only when she woke up that I finally got to know some abstract form of peace.

But it didn't last long at all.

When I saw Jo's piercing blue eyes glued to mine and came to the realization that I wasn't in fact making this up for my own comfort, I was ecstatic. She was already burdened with stress; the amount of whatever drug was slipped in her drink didn't help matters. For someone that isn't frequently using that kind of thing, expectedly, it hit her hard. I was so fucking glad that the sudden drop in her blood pressure didn't have any dire effect on her.

Then reality hit me, I still had yet to tell her about what happened to her. I had almost six hours to think about how I'd begin to tell Jo such a thing. All these hours later and I still didn't have a fucking clue.

Another few hours went by. A whole night went by at that. After hearing the recount of her past and how hard that already was on her, I didn't want to be the one to pile yet another shitty thing on top of it. It'd crush her. Jo has no clue what she's walking into asking me for the truth. She has not a single fucking hint of what it is she's asking to be known.

I know she's strong. To have gone through all of this and more, I have all the faith in the world that she'll push past this. But I know her. I know she has limits. And if the whole situation that got us into all of this is the thing that pushes her over the edge...I couldn't live with myself knowing that some way, somehow, I did this to her too.

I left her for days. Left her alone for shit I couldn't control, that was completely out of my fucking hands and still, I took it out on the girl I love most. Even though I can't be sure if she'll say this to me or not, I'm sure I made her feel lonely, like I wasn't there for her. And truly I wasn't. I left at the worst fucking time. When she needed me most I was gone.

Had Sophie told me about their conversations, things might have gone a little differently. Recycled excuses were made consisting of she's strong, she can handle this. She doesn't need me to coddle her. Maybe she needs space. Maybe she needs time. Maybe she could talk to her sister about things better than she could talk to me. But fuck, was I wrong about everything. At a time she needed me more than ever, I wasn't fucking there. It led her to disappointment. It led her to isolation. It led her to that damned party where her and Kat were separated at some point during the night and he got to her in a vulnerable place. All of this happened because I wasn't fucking there for her.

I'm a fucking shitty boyfriend. I practically led her to him. I led her to her ruin.

Life threw me a scapegoat, fortunately. Jo finding out about her past bought me a little more time. Spared me a couple hours to cushion her fall, rather than making it more severe. Except in that confession was a load of pain we were both facing for the first time. She forced herself to forget it all. Like me, she was barely finding out. The wound itself was fresh, her heart so tender it was moments away from breaking. Had I said or done the wrong thing when letting her vent to me, it might have.

I would have hoped I said the right thing when the truth came back to the light. I'd always known I'd find out the truth from her, I never wanted it from anybody else. When she's ready, I always reassured her. After months of trying my fucking hardest to not push her, I waited patiently and finally got the truth from her.

With my luck, I thought it would have been a lot harder. I thought Jo would have withheld it to forget, or never spoke of it in order not to make it real. But there we were sitting, in an itchy hospital bed, hugging one another as she told me about the worst years of her life. The parts she refused to remember.