Moonlight Kisses

whiskey

tw: abuse

beau.

No one would ever look at me the same way she did. I knew that even before she told me she loved me too for the first time. It was a fact I came to accept after each tiring month that I spent being so cruel to her and she still came around. Either by her own means or she'd make it so impossible to pull back from her that I caved before the week was up. The emotions in her eyes would never dissipate. Whether they were sad or happy, passionate or affectionate, they grew stronger every day. Being with me made her feel and I wasn't sure if that was a good or bad thing.

What I am sure of is I never want those eyes to go away. I'm selfish enough to love her. I'm selfish enough to hurt her. I'm selfish enough to strike emotions out of her because emotions are all I've known. Indifference doesn't work for me, it never has. My life has been a rollercoaster of intense emotions. Rage, hate, deceit. Until her, I'd never known there could be another side to that spectrum. Comfort, love, bliss. We showed each other that place. We keep each other in that place.

I've done everything to keep her here, with me. I've hid things I shouldn't have. Lied to her so that I could spend just one more day with her. That led to our near downfall. Our near ruin. All the comfort, all the love, all the bliss, all of it could have been gone in an instant if we didn't anchor ourselves in our own version of heaven. I didn't want any loose ends left unattended. No unsaid words that could drag us through hell and back if they were never voiced. If I wanted to keep the shine in her crystal blue eyes. If I wanted to preserve the glimmer of light in my tainted soul. I need to keep her here. She needs to keep me here. We have to trust in each other that we won't let go.

Selfishly, I had hoped she'd trust me blindly. But I know her better than that, she's not going to open up to just anybody. Whatever she's hiding, she's hiding it from the whole world, including herself. It was a bad thought to think I could just get off with her trusting me wholly without telling her everything. She'd always hold up a wall of apprehensiveness around me until I gave her every part of me she doesn't have. She's scared of what she doesn't know, that's why she can't submit herself fully to it. She's scared of trusting me without knowing every little detail.

I want her to trust me. Fully. As I do her. I want to know she's all in, not halfway out because of what I did to her. I want to calm her mind, mute her doubts, reassure her that everything's going to be okay. That she's safe with me. She always will be.

"I...I'm ready to tell you everything," I whisper meekly.

Worry crosses her brows. I'm trying to be strong. I want to be strong for her. So that crease between her brows could fade and become a part of that beautiful smile I'm nowhere near deserving. I don't mean to become her burden. I don't want to tell her this to weigh her down or trouble her mind. I just want her to trust me with her mind. Let her know that even though she can't remember certain parts of her life, that doesn't lessen the love I carry for her. This is my weight to bear. My cross to carry. The only point in telling her this is so that there isn't any part of my past to come and tear us down.

"Is this about me getting you something?" she frets, "I just saw you looking at it a-and I thought you would like it. The receipt is still in the bag if it means that much to you, I just—"

I hush her stuttered ramble, shaking my head softly. "No, that's not it at all, baby. The gift is great, I just..." I trail off, chewing on my bottom lip.

"What?" she murmurs.

Allowing my lungs to take a much needed deep breath, I explain in a tone barely above a whisper, "No one ever paid attention to me, the things I like and stuff. You do that, pay attention to everything. I get shit all the time, but it's never heartfelt like this."