Moonlight Kisses

when daylight comes

Bells ringing. I didn't remember a bell in sight last night, but then again, it was too dark to see much of anything. A vibration by my hip shakes me awake. My cell phone. The cruel reminder that I still have a life to get back to from here.

Still half asleep, I grab my phone from the waistband of my leggings and decline whoever was calling me. I don't care about anyone else right now. Right now is my temporary moment where I can indulge in my own selfishness. Anyone else who isn't in agreement with that can wait until I'm out of this sanctuary. My hand dips back into the pocket of the hoodie I'm still in. Beau's sweater.

Fuck, I love the sound of that. Me wearing Beau's sweater. It feels so right, so alleviating. How we haven't done this before continues to blow my mind every second I'm with him that I get to see the side of him that no one else sees. The side that smiles. The side that laughs. The side that's sweet and concerned about whether or not I'm cold; that will give me his sweater no matter how many times I try to lie and say I'm fine without it. The side of him that will simply stare at me with his sweater on my body because it gives him a feeling of comforting warmth to his cold demeanor.

I never want to leave this place. I want to stay here forever.

"What are you thinking about?" Beau groans from above me. His deep voice echoes in his chest from underneath the side of my face. I feel no regret in waking up this way. With my head on his chest and our fingers loosely laced together. If anything, I think this is the best feeling, just laying here with him without an ounce of guilt and zero over analytical thoughts racing through my waking mind.

Burying my head deeper into his chest, inhaling more of his natural scent, I come out with a muffled response, "How I went this long without feeling this way."

He chuckles, not in any particular humor, but more so in relief. Relief that I didn't wake up with a different mindset than what I had fallen asleep with. Relief that I woke up feeling good about this, about the new idea of us. Or maybe I'm thinking too much about this. Maybe this means nothing to him. "Feeling what way?" His large palm goes to my thigh lying across his lap and pulls it closer to him. If I were to sit up right now, I'd find myself straddling his lap, that's how close he's brought my body to his.

My tone with him is soft and fluttery. Like the gentle waves rocking against the sand. Like the way my thumb ever so slightly grazes the back of his hand. "So calm. It's only times like this where my mind gets any real quiet." Every time we're just in each other's arms, not really saying anything, just enjoying each other's company, my mind slows down. I've thought this more time than I can count but the hush of my thoughts is incomparable when I'm with Beau. The only other time my mind is this calm is when I'm burying myself into my vices. Everyone around me carries this misconception that the perfect Jordyn skips through life with rose-colored glasses. I'm expected to live up to that perspective all the time. That's the only side of me anyone truly knows: the perfect Jordyn.

I don't feel pressured to be that way around Beau. Maybe it's because I thought so little of him at first. Maybe it's because he brings me to world of all-consuming bliss. Just between us where I don't feel judged when I'm being my whole self around him. Just Jo.

Yes, I have my issues. My deep-rooted issues that I can't recall no matter how hard I try because I'm so buried in this persona that doesn't even feel like me anymore. Ever since I stopped being so hyper focused on hating Beau, I started exploring those issues involuntarily. So with the silence of my mind comes the moments where it's running on overdrive. With Beau came imbalance. I'm not sure if that could be the worst or best thing for me.

Like now for example. My mind stops as soon as I feel his finger brush a strand of hair out of my face. That simplest of movements is enough to bring me back to this moment, our moment.