You're Not Alone

•85•

(NOT EDITED)

~Same flashback~

"So you don't need my help in here right? I need to go finish setting up the dining hall," Eren chuckles.

"No I'm good," I laugh softly and he leaves me in the silent cold room.

It's empty besides a desk and hold bed frame, but no mattress. Most rooms are like this, which is why we've been trying to clean them up so we can get stuff in them.

I slide down the wall, sitting with my knees pressed to my chest. My arms wrap around my knees and I rest my chin on them.

This feeling I have in my stomach seems to have faded, but I can't help but wonder about it. The future... I'm scared for it. Right now, in this former royal property, I feel safe. No Titans to kill at the moment, no groups trying to murder us with guns, and no giant caterpillar looking things trying to destroy the walls and cities. It's reasonably peaceful and I just want it to stay this way for now.

I can't help but wonder about Marco, Hannes, my mom... Mina, Wagner, and Miche. They're all gone and hopefully in a better place. What would it be like if they were all still here? Would mom be proud of Eren and I? The last thing I want is to let her down.

Marco would probably make sure everyone was happy and having a good time. He was always the light that shined in the darkest of places.

That's where I'm at right now... a really dark place.

I miss him... He always made sure I was okay. Marco knew when I needed comfort and I wish he was here right now, telling me it'll all be okay.

Water starts filling in my eyes and I try to be strong, willing them to dry up, but it's just not happening. I've been feeling lonely for a while now. Maybe because I thought I was going to let everyone down by telling them I can't shift anymore, but Levi made me feel better about it. I'm still helping, just not in the way I was before.

I tilt my head back against the wall and let the tears slip down my cheeks and onto the wood floor. My lip quivers as I try to keep the tears in, but I just need to let them out. I've been holding things in again and it's about time I overflow.

My eyelids close and I feel my heart tighten as I let the sadness take over. No use trying to hold them back when I'm by myself.

I've been so lonely... feeling like everyone close to me is going to leave me. This life we live, it's dangerous and at any moment we could die. I have already lost so many people and I'm afraid of losing anyone else.

No one is immortal and everyone is going to die someday. I just want to be the first to go... I don't think I can watch anymore of my friends die. It hurts so bad.

Marco... I may not have seen him die. But his death hurt me the most, at least since my moms. There's not a day that goes by where I don't think about him. He's always there in the back of my mind. Maybe in another life he'll be next to me again, smiling away with those cute freckles on his cheeks.

Hannes... He may not have been the best mentor growing up, but ever since that day he saved us from the same fate as our mom, he changed. No longer afraid and just wanted to help people. I'm so proud of him and everything he accomplished.

Miche... I think he was such a strong scout. Someone I really looked up to in this broken world. He was always honest and true. He taught me to keep pushing even when I had no strength left. I wish I could've seen him one last time before he died. I just hope it was quick and painless. He didn't deserve to suffer.