𝐌𝐘𝐒𝐄𝐋𝐅 | Hwang Hyunjin

1.3

- - save that shit - lil peep ; on track - stray kids - -

I run towards him. I sit down next to him and grab him by the shoulders.

"Hey, hey, hey, calm down. Breath. Breath with me. In-" he does what I say. He breaths in- "and out." And let's the air out of his lungs. "Again. In. And out. In. And out." After some time, he actually could calm down. He breathes kinda normally again.

But the tears still run out of his eyes. He can't stop crying. 
I feel kinda overwhelmed and don't really know what to  do.
I hesitate a little bit, but then I hug him.

"Just let it all out", I say and slowly begin to pat his back.
"I-I don't deserve that. I'm not good enough", he then whispers.

"What do you mean?"
"I never will be good enough. I will be never as good as the others. The only reason I'm here is because of my face. But I'm not even pretty enough. And- and- I never can do anything right, I always have to mess it up."

I don't know what to say or if I should say something. These sound like some serious thoughts that he was carrying with him that just come out now.

"And now I hurt my foot. Now I can't do my performance. And I can't prepare for our next comeback. The members will be so disappointed in me. And the fans too. Why can't I just do it right?"
I look at him. Why is he only telling me that now?

"You hurt yourself? Oh my god", I look at his foot.
I hold it and carefully take the shoe off. I can see the pain in his face when I was doing that. It must be bad.

I lightly move the foot from left to right.
"Does that hurt?", I ask. He just bites his lip.
"I-I'm okay. I need to go on, I can't afford it to get hurt right now, it's really not the right time", he tries to stand up, but I push him down immediately.

"Hey! Cut that bullshit!"
He seems kinda surprises about my tone. He didn't see that coming.

"You can't move right now, so you won't keep practicing. You really need someone to get that checked out, it seems serious."

"You don't get it. I need to keep practicing. I can't disappoint anyone. I don't deserve to be here, so I should work harder so that I deserve it. I need to practice."

I can't believe him.
"I swear to god, if you keep saying one thing  like that I'm gonna fucking punch you so hard."
I go closer to the boy again. I grab him by the shoulders and shake him lightly.

"Listen to me, Hyunjin. You are a human. And it's not that big of a deal if you aren't perfect. Nobody expects you to be. You can be injured too, that's completely fine. You won't disappoint anyone with that. And you are better than you think. You aren't here just because of your face. Do you really think you would've come so far only because you are pretty? You are talented. You are a great rapper and an incredible dancer. Don't you see that? So please, believe in yourself. And right now, that means that you just calm down."

I give him a little smile. He just looks at me. But then, his eyes fill up with tears again. He buries his face in my shoulder.

I let him cry again. I gently pat his head.
"I'm so sorry, Minnie. I'm sorry you have to see me like that. I'm so weak oh my god."

I fine him a little slap on the back of his head.
"Hey, I told you to stop. And it's okay, I don't care, really", I pay his head again.

"Just cry it all out. Don't stop until you feel better."
After some time Hyunjin calmed down and stopped crying. "I'm gonna get some ice and some help. Don't. move.", I say with a little bit of pressure on the last sentence.

He nods. I stand up and on my way out I take Hyunjin's phone with me.
I go out on my way to find someone who can tell where I can find a cool pad.

While I'm going, I call Chan with Hyunjin's phone.
He picks up.
"Hyunjin?"
"No, it's Soomin."
"Oh, hi Minnie. Where are you guys? It's getting late."

"Uhm, we're still at the dance studio. Hyunjin hurt hit foot, I think he sprained his ankle and he had a panic attack."
"Oh my god. Is he okay? Should I come over?", he asks worried.

"I could calm him down. I'm just on my way to get some ice for him. But how can I bring him back home?"
"I think Jieun is still there. Just ask her if she can drive you home and if she can help you."
"Okay."

After a moment of silence, I ask Chan something.
"Chan, stuff like this often?"

"It happens that the members get panic attacks or anxiety attacks. But Hyunjin never really liked showing emotions like that. He always keeps something like this for himself. But I think that this year, he puts even more pressure on himself."
"It seemed pretty serious what he talked about. I'm a little bit worried."

~

After some time, we arrived at home. All the boys were very worried about Hyunjin.
He could walk, but not very good. He needed help to walk.

So I stayed with him the whole time.
I also told Hyunjin he can sleep in my bed. It was the biggest one and not a bunk bed, so that makes it easier for him.

"Good night", I say and was about to close the door, but Hyunjin stops me.
"Minnie?"
I look at him.

"Where are you gonna sleep?", he asks.
"I don't know yet. Maybe on the couch, maybe in your bed."
"No, you're not going to sleep in my bed. Come here. You can sleep here."
I'm confused.

"I don't think it's the best when I-"
"Please. Come here. I don't want to sleep alone."
"No, why would I sleep in the same bed than you?"

"Just come here", he says and looks at me with this look in his eyes. It was kinda the same from earlier. He looks so helpless. Maybe he really needs someone right now. So I can be that person. I understand how he feels. I wish I had someone that was there for me when I felt like that. I never had. But that doesn't mean Hyunjin doesn't have someone.

I sigh.
I lay down next to him under the blanket.

He lays his arms around my body.
Oh my god.
I freeze.
Why the fuck am I doing this?

"Please don't go", he whispers.
I swallow. The way he said that gave me chills. I feel really bad. As soon as I have enough money, I'm gonna get a new job and then I am out of here and then I want nothing to do with them anymore.
But when he says stuff like that, it makes it harder for me to just leave like that. This dude really won't leave my mind.

I'm such a dumb person.
I told myself that I will not get attached to anyone, but here I am already having a bad feeling.
Ugh.

That's so annoying.
Why am I feeling like this?

And probably because of something that Hyunjin just said and doesn't even mean. I mean he has an emotional day, than you say things that you don't really mean.

So I can also say something I don't really mean, to make him feel better.
"I'm gonna stay here, but can you please let go of me", I whisper.

~~

Hyunjin's pov

Soomin is like a real angel. She helped me so much today. I wonder if she's really send by god or something.

The way she talked to me earlier just made me feel better. It was kinda weird. Nobody talks to someone like that who has a panic attack. But this kinda aggressive but also nice way just made me feel better, it worked so good.

She feels like she's someone I can lean on. I don't like it when people see my sad or crying. I don't want to seem weak. But she didn't cared, she didn't question anything.

I always want her with me. I feel like she always knows the right way to act in every situation.

I only know her for such a short time, how is it possible that she already has grown on me so much? She always feels so familiar.

I don't know. It's weird. I don't know what she's doing with me. But I want her to keep doing that.
I smile and pull her closer to me.

~~~~~