𝐌𝐘𝐒𝐄𝐋𝐅 | Hwang Hyunjin

1.6

- - LiAr - Bobby - -

Suddenly I remember something.
We just kissed. We kissed. That's not something I am supposed to do with a friend.

Why did he do that?
Maybe he acted out that of reflex. He also wanted to comfort me and to make me feel better because I was crying and panicking and we were so close and maybe that was his first reflex.

I look at him.
"Uh-y-you did- did that to make me feel better- right? It- it wasn't for any other reason, right?", I stutter.

"Yeah- of course. When- uhm- when you are breathing too fast and you can't stop crying, holding your breath can be a good method to calm down", he answers, he sounds a little it nervous.

That kinda relieves me. It worked, he made me calm down really quickly.
"That's good. Thank you. It really helped."

I try to wipe away my tears, but it don't really helps, my whole face is full with tears, I can't even properly wipe them away.
"Are you okay?", he asks.
"Yeah, I'm fine", I quickly respond and give him a weak smile.

He also smiles.
I have to chuckle a little bit.
"I am so sorry. I'm so embarrassing."

"Don't worry, that's the exact same thing I also said after my breakdown. But guess we have something in common now, right? Now we have to trust each other. And you aren't embarrassing. You're cute."

I bury my face back into his chest.
"Ew, don't call me like that."

"But really, it's not something to be embarrassed about. Its normal that you're not okay all the time. If you weren't, I would be scared you're not a human."
He's right, again.

To be honest, even tho I feel better, I am still kinda scared. What if I have to go through it again when I dream again?

But I feel safer. If I really have to think about it again, at least someone is there.
Wait.
I open my eyes again.

Why is it so normal? Why did I just accept that? Why is being so close to Hyunjin so comforting?
I mean I hate skinship. Or at least I did until like 15 minutes ago.

How did I become so close with Hyunjin that something like that isn't weird?
It just kinda happened.

~

"When will it happen?", Jisung asks. We all are sitting on the table eating our food.

"When will what happen?", I ask confused.
"When will you guys fuck? Or did it already happen?", he asks curiously. Hyunjin and I both freeze and we look at each other.

That seemed to be a obvious sign for Jisung.
He starts laughing.
"Oh my god. It already happened?", he asks. Everyone just stares at us.

We quickly deny it.
"Are you crazy? What are you thinking? No of course not!"
"Why would we? No, no!"

"Aw, what a pity. And nothing other happened?"
We both shake our heads.
"We're friends, we don't do stuff like that. Never", I explain.

Hyunjin looks at me.
"Never?", he asks.
Oh my god. Is he crazy?

He can't just say that in front of everyone.
I look around. They all seem just as shocked as me.
But then Hyunjin laughs.

"I'm joking. We would never."
That relieved me.

"But, friends can do stuff like that. I mean, Felix also gives kisses to us. And Jisung and Minho- yeah I don't know what the hell is going on there", Jeongin explains.

"Hey, shut the fuck up", Minho gives Jeongin a deadly stare.
"Hey, Felix, we're going to that park today, right?", Hyunjin asks to change the subject.

"Oh yeah. Minnie, do you want to join us?", Felix asks me smiling widely.
"Uhm, no, I think I'm going with Chan to the studio."
Chan nods.

I didn't even ask him if I could go with him, but I'm happy I can.
I don't think it's the best when I spend my whole day with Hyunjin.

I mean, it's not like I don't like it and I don't have fun, but I shouldn't.
What happened last night was a mistake.
And I am scared about that.
Everything should stay like it is right now.

~

"Is there something you want to tell me?", Chan asks me.
I look at him.
Why is he asking me that all of the sudden.

Am I acting weird in some way?
Oh god I hope I'm not.

"Uhm, why?"
"I feel like you need to tell me something."
"It's nothing."
"Are you sure?"
I nod.

"You know you can always tell me everything. If you have trouble with something, just tell me. You can trust me", he lays his hand on my shoulder.
I smile.

"Thank you."
He also smiles and leans back.
"You know, I think you are a really good friend to Hyunjin. He seems to do so much better. I am so glad we have you and that you are taking care of him. He never really wanted to tell us if something wasn't right because he didn't wanted us to worry. But I know he's pressuring himself a lot."

I nod. Ihr already told me that once. And it's kinda pressuring me. Because I feel like I am responsible for him. And not to be egoistic or something, but I don't want to have the responsibility for another person. So maybe that's another reason for me to just take a little bit of distance and to give Hyunjin a little bit of freedom.

~
Hyunjin's pov

"Felix. I need to tell you something. But please don't tell anyone."
We are the only one's still in the living room, all the others already went already to sleep.

"Tell me, what is it?", Felix asks curiously.
I hesitate for a moment. Is it really smart to tell him now? Probably not.

"I- uhm- you know, last night, Soomin had a bad dream and she cried and panicked. And to calm her down I- I- I kissed her", I look to the ground. Felix smiles and hugs me.

"Are you serious? Oh my god that's so cute! I'm so happy for you!"
"Shh, don't be so loud!", I try to calm him down.
"Sorry. I got excited."

"But, the thing is, she thinks I only did it to calm her down. But to be honest, I don't know if I only did it because of that."

"Oh, that's difficult. But if you aren't sure that you did it only to calm her down, then you probably didn't do it only for that reason because you wouldn't doubt it in the first place, right?", he asks.
"That was a Little bit too fast for me, but guess you are right."

"Are you sure she thinks it's only for that reason?"
"Yeah. She asked me and I said yes."
"Mh", he looks like he's thinking intensely.
"Did you feel something while kissing her?", he asks after a moment of silence.

"I- I don't know. I- like- kinda did- I have really no idea."
"Wow. that's really hard. I don't know what to tell you. Just think about it if you're around her."
I just nod.

I really don't know how to handle this situation.
And Felix doesn't know either.

But at least there's one thing I could do what I was very scared of. It wasn't awkward after the kiss. We were completely normal, like it never happened. But it happened. And I think about it every single moment. It won't leave my head.
~~~~~