The Way You Make Me Feel [ J.J ]

19.

tw: eating disorder mention

I  was absolutely upset with myself. There was no way I had let that happen. Kate was laying on the bed next to me, stark naked and coming down from a euphoric high- the fifth one she went through in the past two weeks. I had fully been fucking someone else for two weeks, and I hated it. She stayed for a little bit before leaving for class, and soon as she left I went to the bathroom. My reflection glared back at me, and I realized then and there that I didn't even recognize myself in the mirror.

How could I have let myself do this? Tears flew down my face as I turned on the shower, making the water as hot as it would go before I stepped into the stream of water, hissing as it hit my skin. I scrubbed as hard as I could, sobs overtaking my body as I tried to wash off what I had just done. I don't know how long I was in there, but I finally got out when the water started to turn cold and I stood back in front of the mirror, looking at myself.

In front of me, was a horrible person.

A horrible person who just betrayed the trust of someone she wanted to be with so bad. I couldn't believe myself.  I looked away from the toilet, knowing I had absolutely nothing in my system to get out of me and went back into the main room, pacing back and forth as I went over what had just happened in my head. Jennifer- Ms. Jareau, she was going to be pissed. More pissed at me than she already was. Another burst of tears started and I angrily wiped at them, trying to get them to stop. I absolutely hated feelings. I hated the way they made me feel, and I just wanted them to go away. This is why I had shut down after Caroline left- everything that I had felt was suddenly invalidated, leaving me alone, scared and feeling useless. Much like I was feeling now.

There was no way she would ever want to get back with someone like me- someone who went and fucked other people behind her back. Sure, it was a momental lapse in judgement, since we had talked about only seeing each other, but was that even true anymore? For all I knew, she was out fucking other people while I was alone, crying in my room for the past month. The worst part of it all, was that she wasn't talking to me. She wasn't talking to me and it was driving me crazy and there was nothing I could do about it, because she was jealous that I had friends.

But then again... no. I didn't like Kate in that way. There was no way.  I only had eyes for Jennifer, and I made it clear to her multiple times. I couldn't let her go, even if I tried. It was like those silly little soulmate fan-fictions you would read about your two favorite characters, the authors messing up the small little mishaps that show writers had made and making their lives happy and bearable. That's how I felt about her. Like she was my soulmate. And somehow, I had let that go without even trying to do anything. It made me sick to my stomach to think about losing her, and I gave into the need to rush to the bathroom, finding myself mimicking the position I had been in quite a lot over the past month.

I needed to talk to someone, and I needed to talk to someone now. I pulled up the first person I could think of, and that person was Emily. Emily and I weren't as close as her, Elle, and Derek, but I knew she'd let me stay with her for a bit, at least until Elle got back. I pulled up her contact, shooting her a message.

[5:34pm] hey... this is a super weird question but can i come over? i don't want to be alone rn.

[5:35pm- emily prentiss] of course!

She attached her address and I grabbed my stuff, making my way to her apartment. It wasn't that far from campus, and thankfully in the opposite direction of where my feet wanted to take me. She met me downstairs in the lobby, and took me up with her, concern evident on her face. I most definitely looked worse for wear. The bags under my eyes had gotten worse, and I had started to rip at the skin on my fingers, something I only do whenever I was stressed. Clothes that fit tightly on me once were starting to feel loose, and I felt like I was going to pass out at any second from lack of nutrition. Emily placed a comforting hand on the small of my back as she led me in through the door, taking my bag from me as it started falling off of my shoulder.