flopped | lippa

Guilt and Grief

Pregnant. The test said pregnant. Pippa must have looked at it twenty times before she finally processed it.

"Pippa? You here?" Lin called again.

Pippa fumbled with the supposedly positive test as if it were on fire as she heard a terrifying crescendo of loudening footsteps. She heard a sudden knock on the bathroom door, frightening her even more.

"Pip? Hello?"

"Hi hon! Just a second!" she called back loudly in full on panic mode, trying to hide the obvious urgency in her tone. She scrammed to stuff the test in her sweatshirt pocket, hopeful he wouldn't notice. She straightened herself out and plastered a fake smile on her face before rattling open the door to see Lin on the other side.

"Hi." he smiled, pulling her into a hug. She hoped he didn't noticed how quickly her heart was beating, or how sweaty she was. She didn't have time to worry about being pregnant right now. She had to pretend everything was perfect.

"Hi," she whispered back.

"How are you feeling?" he asked, releasing the embrace and sweeping a few strands of her lose hair behind her ear.

"Better." she said. Physically, that was true. But on the inside, she felt anything but.

"That's good to hear. We missed you at the theatre. I'm glad you're in better shape." he told her, giving her a gentle kiss on the forehead.

"Yeah, me too." she smiled softly, trying not to seem too suspicious. It was as if she'd forgotten how to act "normal." She didn't know how to stand, or what to say that made her seem like something wasn't wrong and her world hadn't been turned completely upside-down.

"What happened? Food poisoning?" he asked her. She nodded, a little too quickly. Wasn't she supposed to be an actor?

"Yeah, I think so. Um, I'm better now though. I'm not sure what it was." she lied through clenched teeth in a fake smile.

"I'm glad." he replied sweetly. "Are you sure you're better? If you need anything, I'll get it for you. Are you hungry or anything?"

She let out a small laugh.

"No, no. It's okay Lin- that's very sweet of you though."

"Alright. Well, my offer still stands anytime." he assured her, then let out a big yawn.

"You seem tired." she laughed.

"I'm exhausted." he admitted. "Today was a lot."

"Should we go to sleep?" she asked.

"Sure. But if you aren't tired and want me to stay up, I will-"

"No it's okay, I'm tired too." she said, truthfully. She was extremely drained- both physically and emotionally- after the long day she'd had. But she knew she wasn't going to sleep a wink with these thoughts crowding her mind.

A few minutes later after brushing her teeth, she walked into the bedroom to see Lin lying on his side of the bed, arm open, gesturing for her to come curl up. She'd stuffed the pregnancy test under tissues in the bathroom drawer so that he wouldn't see, but she still couldn't help but feel extremely guilty. Maybe... it was a false positive? That happens, right? She'd take another test tomorrow.

She climbed into his arms and snuggled close. He pulled the blanket over them, shielding them from the cold chill of their apartment. His arms wrapped her stomach, and she felt her nerves return. It wasn't like he could feel that there was a child inside of her. If she was pregnant for sure, she wouldn't be showing yet. But she couldn't help but feel an immense guilt building up inside of her the more she thought about it.