Marauder crack

"Spicy Horns"

In Knocturn Alley, the corners have eyes and they look at you from all addresses. Daylight barely comes in, and the buildings are leaning towards each other as if they were bending down to tell morbid secrets.

Corners smell of sulfur and rust and pedestrians pass without looking faces. Everyone seems angry or running away from something and after a fifteen-minute walk, James and Sirius have seen wizards trafficking with at least five substances banned by the ministry of magic. Deadly herbs, unauthorized animals, dragon eggs, muggle weapons, and Belgian chocolate.

There is a building that looks ramshackle and has a colorless threadbare sign that says "The greatest erotic bazaar in the magical world." Enough claim for Sirius, who drags James inside before he can protest. Once inside, Sirius announces "Holy fuck" and James cannot say more than "For the love of my mother".

It is a site of obscene proportions. Logically. Thousands of shelves are staggered towards the ceiling. So high that it is indistinguishable. Some are hidden with red velvet curtains. Thousands of curtains that hide thousands of perversions. The bazaar is a puzzle made of dark corners and badly lit. Near the door, there is a shelf with Anti-Pregnancy Bebrages and Sirius calculates at least two hundred different classes. A little further afield, James is struck by moving pictures. Blondes, redheads, brunettes, and all colours in between.

- Have you seen that lass Sirius? My Aunt Elma has smaller tits. And she weighs one hundred and twenty kg.

- My uncle Leopold has tits more or less like this- Sirius jokes - of course, he also weighs a hundred and twenty kg. Or maybe more.

There are only a few people and the store is so poorly lit that the figure of the clerk is hardly distinguished. A half-goblin with normal height but elven looking. He seems focused on reading some magazines. One of the most extensive sections of the erotic bazaar is the one dedicated to Muggles.

- I don't understand how you can do it with that. - James points to the condoms, although he calls them "Weener-covers" - After all, you wear it laminated. Do you think you feel something?

- You sure feel more than chasing Lily Evans all over the school while she gives you pumpkins instead.

-Ha ha- says James. And they walk towards some rotten wooden shelves. Packed with a billion or so erect penises. Some are from plastic. Sirius prefers not to ask what the rest are from. They look suspiciously human.

- Look at this, Potter- Sirius looks at James out of the corner of his eye- have you seen how small they are all?

- They seem small to you!?!?!?

- Not to you? - Sirius pretends that he is seriously worried. - Potter, with what kind of earth-worm are you going to present to Lily on your wedding night?

- Yeah right, Black, nice try. But to get a complex you would have to have something that I don't have. I've seen you in the shower, mate, and it's nothing to scream with excitement.

- Well, you know that some have screamed.

- And that you know that some are much better equipped than you.

- Don't cheat, Potter. I've seen you in the shower too.

- I'm not saying it for myself.

In fact, he doesn't say it for anything or anyone in particular. He says it because he doesn't want Sirius to get away with it. He says it without thinking too much, to bug him more than anything and that is why, when Sirius asks if he can know who he is talking about, he drops the first name that comes to his mind. Immediately interested, Sirius stops looking at the shelves and focuses all of his attention on him.