too scared to be afraid

chapter two: not all sunshine and rainbows

"We're so much more than friends, my love. I'd destroy everyone on earth to have you in my arms."

002: not all sunshine and rainbows

xxxx

Hoseok couldn't always plaster on his big warm smile. Sometimes-No, most of the time, his smaller, fake smile would have to do.

He actually rarely ever felt truly happy. When he had enough energy, he could force his mind into thinking it was happy but he knew it wasn't really. He cherished the way he looked at the world as it was a result of years of effort. Seeing both the world's beauty and the world's horrors didn't come naturally to the boy. He had to learn to see everything in its true light and only then was he able to see so much clearer.

One of the discoveries he made was that it was easy to find small things to be happy about.

The way his English professor's eyes lit up when he talked about his favorite author, the large puddles that were perfect for jumping in after it rained, or even stormy nights where he would run out of his house in an over-sized sweatshirt and shorts to dance in the rain. There was so much beauty on this world that was yet to be discovered for many. He saw it all, but with that came the reality.

So much terror, pain, hurt, it was all on Earth. It was all out for him to see.

But he found that thinking about it wouldn't change anything. Being happy could spread the feeling. He could make others happy, he had to.

There wasn't much reason to live for him, not that that was a bad thing. He was just here on the earth to live and die and somehow find meaning in between. If you really think about it, everyone lives only to distract themself and die. It wasn't a bad thing at all despite how it sounds. The meaning of life was whatever you made it. It could be as meaningful or as meaningless as you wanted it to be and for Hoseok, he decided that he'd embrace it with open arms.

You only live once, so why spend your time being sad?

Bad point for someone who constantly thought of killing himself.

He saw the beauty, he wanted the joy, but at the end of the day, all he did was romanticize his own demise. It truly was a grueling cycle but nevertheless, he'd wake up once more to the early sun that shone on him, plaster on a smile that could keep him somewhat content throughout the day, and laugh as he drown in his own thoughts at night.

Today was a little bit different. It was a Saturday which meant he had no work and no classes. He was all caught up homework wise since the professors never assigned too much on the first week back after winter break. He only worked weekdays as well. So what would he do with his weekend?

He'd pretend to be happy and then he'd feel somewhat okay. Pretending to be happy actually did have benefits. He was used to smiling so no one would ever see him down meaning no one would have to ever feel unsettled near him. In addition to this, he felt emotions touch the surface of his heart. The emptiness never really left but it was what he filled his heart with that determined how he acted. When he felt nothing, he was the master of his emotions.

So Hoseok sat up in bed and smiled. Not for others, but for him.

There was one thing that always made his fake smile falter though. Seeing himself in the mirror.

His morning shower was rudely disrupted by the sight. The scars on his arms glared at him with disgusted eyes. So many mistakes. He didn't realize then that cutting wouldn't help, that only faking happiness could make it bearable. Now, those scars were his punishment. Having to hide his skin from even himself, he had gotten rid of all t-shirts and tank tops he had previously owned. It was his own fault but he regretted it the most.