too scared to be afraid

chapter twenty-nine: nevermind, can i leave?

"All I wanted was to be someone. I never wanted this, any of it."

029: nevermind, can i leave?

xxxx

"Do you remember when you were a little boy and your father used to scoop you up and carry you on his shoulders?"

Hoseok sported the same expression as he always did, that same concerned look on his face. He always wore a smile but it was scary seeing who his mom had became after the death of her husband. Admittedly, Hoseok changed in many ways as well but not like she did.

"Yeah."

"He used to spend so much time with you too."

"Yeah."

"He shoud've been spending that time with me," she muttered.

"Did you say something, Mom?"

"Of course not, Hoseok. Hey, how about you go make yourself useful and buy me some more wine."

Hoseok glanced to the full bottle on the coffee table then to the half-way full bottle in her hands.

"I don't think--"

"Did I ask? You're already fourteen now, Hoseok. Start contributing to this family. It's just us now, kid. You're the man of the family so do as I say."

"Mom, I-"

"Don't talk back to me either. You know what? I'm going out, don't expect me back until tomorrow."

Hoseok watched his mom leave the house as she did almost every night. He tried to keep his smile, tears swelling in his eyes. His right hand picked up his pencil. He blinked away his tears, he had to do his homework. His dad would want him to get good grades.. but maybe he should try to be a better son too. Would his dad want him to buy wine for his mom though? He wouldn't approve.

He slammed his pencil down after staring at the blurry math sheet in front of him for a while and stood up with eyes that told the world he was lost. Without his dad, he couldn't rely on anyone. His mom never gave him any emotional support and he didn't expect her to. Maybe it was time he man up.

"But why can't I just die instead?"

He slapped his hand over his mouth. Never having had a thought such as this before, he was startled. He just wanted his dad back..

xxxx

Hoseok hadn't slept comfortably the full night.

At around two in the morning, he woke up gagging. The remembrance of the smell of his mom's blood made him sick.

Yoongi and Jungkook were sleeping with him. The others were situated around the room too. Hoseok didn't have the time to think about why they weren't sleeping elsewhere when there were so many rooms in Seokjin's mansion. He hurried out of bed and ran into the bathroom. He didn't notice he had woken up Yoongi accidentally.

He got sick, gagging in the toilet while Yoongi's large hand rubbed circles into his back. After that, he had refused to go back into the bedroom, still in a delirious state. Yoongi urged him to try to sleep in the bathroom on his thigh. He had said some shit about not deserving him but had ended up falling asleep on Yoongi's lap.