too scared to be afraid

chapter twenty-six: living in a haze

"If everyone is going somewhere, where will I end up?"

026: living in a haze

xxxx

His emotions, although muted, consisted only of longing for feelings so he could properly mourn and a need for relief. Relief from his thoughts, muted feelings, job, classes. Relief from living. Relief from his exhaustion. If someone told him that he could sleep off these lingering feelings of fatique, he'd happily sleep for years on end. Maybe even until he died from old age. But that seemed no different from death itself.

He'd never admit it but Hoseok had tried to follow in his mom's footsteps a month after she created them. Not even Yoongi was aware of that.

In March, he decided he couldn't handle change. He was weak, there wasn't a reason to be strong. As a result, he threw himself off of a cliff and fell over eighty feet into water. Of course, someone just happened to see him jump and they called for help.

Was it really too much of a crime to let a fourteen year old die?

Apparently.

"Are you sure you should be working, Hoseok-ah? You look pale," Seokjin commented, ever the observant, kind co-worker.

"I'm okay, hyung," he replied. He needed to avoid his thoughts no matter the cost. Each time he was alone for a minute, he burst into tears. Such a baby, right? It was really too bad he didn't have any trouble with that fact. He was a fucking baby. And he both knew and accepted that.

Tonight, he'd finish all his homework and clean his whole apartment. After that, he'd try to dance the choreo for DNA. If it wasn't time to go to class by then, he'd either make cookies for his friends or he'd go on a walk. Schedules such as this one was a necessity for Hoseok in February. He found that last year, if he just kept himself busy and avoided sleep as much as possible, he might be able to survive.

It was really just a matter of waiting out the month. His mind was like a switch. As soon as March hit, his mind did a one eighty and he was his normal tired yet somewhat happy self.

Sadly, he couldn't sleep much this month. Sleeping allowed dreams and dreams quickly turned into nightmares. Nightmares he'd rather not have.

"You shouldn't be working."

Hoseok looked up with his dull eyes, making eye contact with the boy in front of him. So Yoongi decided to pay him a visit. Behind him, all of the others were here too. But for what reason? Yoongi wouldn't ever tell them about something so private without his permission so they weren't here for him.

"You know I can't take the whole month off, hyung. Why's everyone here?"

"We all need to speak with Seokjin hyung. We're all becoming good friends too. You wanted us to be, right?"

"Of course."

"Okay, good. But really, there's some business we need to handle with Jin hyung."

Hoseok nodded, hands bunching up the hem of his apron to stop them from fidgeting.

"Um, would you like a drink? Can I make everyone drinks? I can pay for them but if you're here for hyung, you might be waiting for awhile."

Didn't Seokjin have night classes? Hoseok guessed whatever important business they had was causing him to skip classes.

"Sure, I'll ask them what they want. We can pay though. Paying for five people is quite a lot. Let me get their orders," Yoongi said, turning to face the group. Hoseok could see that they were the center of attention in Persona. Everyone were drooling at the sight of such attractive men in one place together.

Hey, off topic thought but did you know Hoseok decided to work at Persona because of it's name? He got the job here when he was struggling with who he was. The name stuck out to him so he applied..

"Hoseok, I already called our boss to ask if it's alright and he said yes so let's close up early, okay? I don't want to make everyone wait and you're not feeling well."

His schedule needed more activities on it. Hoseok had more time to burn.

"I can handle it alone, hyung. We don't have to close."

"Nope, I insist. I already called. We're closing down. I'll flip the sign so let's finish up the orders we're on and close."

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edited.