too scared to be afraid

chapter forty: he had loved once

"I lied to myself. It's not always my parents who sit in my mind, hurting me over and over with all of the guilt I deserve, it was him. The one who I let myself love."

040: he had loved once

xxxx

His favorite flower had once been a sunflower.

Not Hoseok's, no, not his. He didn't have time to cherish the world in the way he used to when all he could think about was his parent's deaths and how much pain his body was in because of either his lack of food intake or a series of bruises and cuts covering him head to toe.

The favorite flower belonged to a big, tough guy. Someone who rarely ever showed how soft his heart was, how kind he truly was. The one person Hoseok had fallen in love with.

He had saved Hoseok from the despair he had once been in, the despair that was surprisingly much, much worse than the problems he had now, and helped him to transition into the bright, caring person he was meant to become before his life changed for both the better and worse.

The boy's name was Moon Sungmin.

His mother had named him that since she had high hopes for her son. She expected him to have a long, successful life, and expected him to be gentle as the name suggests. He was one of those things, but the other was left as only wishful thinking.

He was gentle. So gentle and kind yet looked to be cold and rough, he'd never treated anyone harshly and lived without regrets.

But he was without a long, successful life. That's right, he was hit by a drunk driver and died immediately. Gone. The crash was so bad that it had made it onto the news and when Hoseok heard about it from Mother who had been watching the news on her laptop, he died yet another death.

This was the boy Hoseok fell in love with. A star, a life that shines so bright yet one whose life is fleeting like all other stars. He watched the star explode and scatter bits and pieces all over, leaving both his trail and his memory etched deep into Hoseok's heart.

Additionally, that was Hoseok's tipping point. Three dead. He often wondered who'd be the next to go.

Why'd he have to tell Dr. Lee about Sungmin?

He couldn't bring himself to let go of Jin, arms wrapped around him tightly, holding on with the same fear that came back to him every now and then, scared to let another leave.

Hoseok had to fight the urge to flee back into his bedroom with all of the attention that came with six people watching him in the room. Seokjin had picked him up and brought him into the living room but when he moved to put Hoseok down on the couch, Hoseok wouldn't let go. The others almost decided to help pry their baby off of Jin so Jin could go make hot chocolate, the common comfort drink among all of the boys, but no one wanted to heighten Hoseok's distress as his feelings were already in disarray.

"Hoseok-ah, do you want to eat something? I know you're upset but eating might give you some more energy," Seokjin suggested, whispering into his ear. They had all noticed Hoseok's lapse in energy. It was a drastic change.

Hoseok shook his head, content to nuzzle (more like shove) his head further into Jin's broad shoulders.

He couldn't stop thinking about Sungmin. His heart hurt worse knowing that Sungmin might even have been the reason he had grown so attached to Yoongi.