too scared to be afraid

chapter eight: mother

"Was it my fault?"

008: mother

xxxx

Coincidentally, Hoseok woke up with two throbbing fists.

Unable to think it out so early in the morning, he just stared at his blankets for a minute.

The memory hit him hard. He had smashed up his mirror last night.. but why? What ticked him off?

Hoseok looked around his bedroom, trying to find a source. He was never one to do..whatever that was. Then, he found the thing.

It was a text message on his phone. He saw he had one from Seokjin and one from Jimin too. But it wasn't those, it was one from-

"Mother."

She didn't have a contact on his phone as he deleted it when he got a new number but he could recognize her number anywhere. What did she want? No- how did she get his number? He had left that hell house as soon as he turned of age. Why was she texting him?

Hoseok picked his phone up with shaking hands. God, he must've looked pitiful. The text message looked so friendly too.

'Good morning, Hoseok-ah! There's something important I need to speak with you about. When can we schedule a meet-up? I can take you out to brunch.'
(xxx)-xxx-xxxx >>> sent at 12:01am

Brunch..

If it was something important, Hoseok felt he had to go. He remembered the last time he ignored something she said. Simply put, he went to bed with a broken ribcage.

But she couldn't hurt him anymore, right? He didn't know but he was too scared to find out. Instead, he decided to open the texts from his friends to calm himself.
++++

'Hi Hoseok! Are you okay?'
Seokjin >>> sent at 6:23am

++++

'Let's get lunch today?'
Jimin >>> sent at 7:00am

He dropped his phone. Somehow, trying to distract himself with other texts didn't help at all. Gaze slowly moving down, he watched his right hand shake. His left hand held his wrist but it wouldn't stop. Was his heart beating fast or was he imagining it? Was he shaking for attention? Wait, what attention? No one was here. Maybe he was trying to--

"Clouds," he murmured. He directed his thoughts to the fluffy clouds that floated without a care in the world, just outside his window. He'd forget about everything today. Hoseok would email all of his professors and take the day off but he'd go to work like normal. Hoseok knew he couldn't focus in school whenever he had an interaction with Mother or Father. His high school experience was fucked up in that sense. He never studied at home and had to work hard to forget about them just for a few hours.

It was 7:31 now. His first class was at eight. That settled it! He's skipping class.

Maybe he should go and do something today since he had the day off. Oh! He could make cupcakes for his friends. Jimin, Taehyung, Seokjin, Yoongi--he could deliver them all too!

Hoseok hurried out of bed but stopped abruptly when he reached his door.

What would he do about Mother's text message?

xxxx

Hoseok had ended up doing nothing but hiding.

He was pathetic. Curled up under his blankets, fingers clutching at the sheets that were brought up over his nose. He watched the clock on the wall tick, every minute that passed meant nothing. Hoseok wasn't sure what he was waiting for.

He hadn't responded to any of the texts and he was exhausted. He didn't want to face the real world.

It reminded him of his high school days where everything became a chore. Eating, speaking to people, sleeping, even dancing became one. Hoseok had believed he had gotten over that. Yes, everything was still a chore, maybe more-so now that he had decided to live after high school rather than following his original plan. But he was an adult now, he was nineteen. He had to work, he had to attend classes, he had to live. Being an adult meant he had to either stop hiding and do his chores or just--end it all. Something that he couldn't bring himself to do despite not wanting to live anymore.

He hoped he wouldn't have to kill himself. Hoseok wanted to die without too much pain. Maybe if he didn't eat for a month or so, he'd just go to bed and never wake up. That was an option. He hadn't eaten since that lunch that he ate with his three friends on Saturday. Even before that, he was on a weird "don't eat shit and die" diet. It wasn't like he had a grudge against food but it also wasn't like he ate it whenever he was hungry. His relationship with food was complicated.

His phone rang but he didn't want to pick up. Hoseok didn't even turn his head two degrees to check who was calling him.

This mindset of his was a true burden. The world was so beautiful, so much was waiting to be discovered and cherished and yet, here he was laying in bed. He had three, no, now four, amazing friends who he could be with whenever he wanted. Hoseok was truly spoiled.

But even though he was spoiled, he was ungrateful and selfish.

xxxx

edited.