too scared to be afraid

chapter nine: exposed

"Being frustrated..I hate it so much."

009: exposed

xxxx

He never had considered himself to be suicidal.

No, he definitely wasn't. Thinking about it and actually trying were two very different things.

Hoseok failed to go to work today. His thoughts had become more...diverse as time progressed. This Tuesday, this day that had so many possibilities became ruined as soon as Hoseok had decided not to go to school. From that decision on, he had been on a downward spiral.

First, his thoughts got lost. They were everywhere and no where at the same time. Hoseok had to get out of bed because he was restless, yet he didn't want to do anything. When he tried to force himself to just watch a k-drama, he had to stop five minutes in since he couldn't focus on it. Following that, he felt the urgency to do something. Anything.

God, it was so fucking frustrating.

He wanted to do something. Anything. But he couldn't do anything. Hoseok wanted to distract himself but he couldn't focus on anything. He couldn't do anything. So what could he do when he couldn't do anything but couldn't do nothing at the same time? He did what anyone would do, think.

His mind took over, and now, he had made the one mistake he swore to never make again.

Tears spilled from his eyes, body slumped over against the bathroom wall. Blood, blood everywhere. It was a mistake. He swore it was a mistake. Hoseok promised himself that when he left high school, he'd leave his bad habits there as well. He'd learn to live healthily like a normal kid.

The blood, all of it, was coming from his wrists. He swore to never cut again.

Was this a sin? Was this what a sin was? Maybe Mother did tell some truth.

xxxx

"Can't. Not anymore," he muttered to himself. Two hours had passed, it was three pm now. His thoughts grew worse over time. Now, his wrists weren't the only blood source that led to the blood that dripped onto the floor. His thighs had fell victim to the silver pocket knife too.

He didn't deserve the life he had. It was truly a waste. A waste of space and a waste of the most precious thing, life.

Hoseok wanted to just die right on the spot. His tears never stopped, he figured he'd pass out here at this rate.

He heard two knocks on the door in his hazy state or maybe he imagined it? Too much blood had left him in a foggy mindset. It was sorta like how he felt in the mornings except he couldn't bring himself out of it.

The door opened and it was both Seokjin and Jimin who walked through it. Hoseok didn't remember giving his keys to either one of the boys.

"Hoseok! Fuck, baby. This--all this blood is--Jimin, help me move Hoseok to his bed so I can treat him there. Oh, god, so much blood. Hurry, take his legs," Seokjin said in a serious voice after bending down beside Hoseok. Was he dreaming? His friends were calling him baby and somehow had gotten into his apartment? He didn't know, he couldn't think straight.

Soon enough, he was laying on his bed. His head was on Jimin's lap as Seokjin was to his left, treating his left wrist.

Hands carded gently through his hair, the sensation made his foggy state seem more like a sleepy one. His shoulders stopped tensing. Hoseok might've even leaned into the touch, he didn't know.

"Shh, poor baby. Must've been so scary alone. We're here now. It's going to be okay," Jimin's soft voice soothed, hands rubbing at his neck a bit. They were soft, warm, small hands that seemed to be moving so slow that they left tingles in the places they touched. Jimin was definitely enjoying this.