too scared to be afraid

chapter forty-one: apparently it's not that easy

A/N: Hey! I haven't been writing for a long while since I've been really busy so I'm sorry about that. The last chapter I posted was actually one I had created a long while back haha. I'll try to start writing more, even now that I've gotten busier lol. I'm in like 4 clubs, and three other extracurricular stuff, and with the pressure of getting good grades, it's been busy. But anyways, I'm back and my writing style might be different so bare with me. I'm getting rid of the quotes too and while I don't really want to, I feel like I need to so thank you for putting up with this. ANYWAYS ON WITH THE STORY!! 
 

-cloud.solace <3

xx

He had been cooped up inside of the mansion for a week now, specifically cooped up inside of his room.

Hoseok hadn't had the courage to face reality, slipping back inside his old self that used to hide for days on end until his problems were far enough away so that he couldn't see them. Then, he'd have to sprint to catch up with it. And that's what he was doing. 

Everyone had noticed the change, the slight slip back into his old ways, throughout the month and they supported him in whatever way that they could but it was hard. 

Hoseok refused to leave the house at all during the past week. He couldn't keep up with his classes so he just wanted to take a break but his missing assignments and declining grades were overwhelming, he almost didn't want to go back ever. 

None of the boys cared about his grades or classes. He could drop out and tell them that he wanted to do nothing for the rest of his life and they'd all happily become servants for him. But of course, Hoseok wouldn't do that. He was too independent to. 

He hadn't been able to tell anyone what happened at that therapy session either. He promised, but whenever they asked, he'd burst into tears and panic would fall onto everyone in the house. 

Hoseok was currently in his room again, hiding under the covers of his bed. 

He wondered if things would ever get better. It sure seemed like life would continue to be completely unstable. He got better slightly, and then got way worse than he was before. It was like as soon as tried to put effort into his life, the world had other plans for him. 

His life was messy, too much so that he knew he wouldn't be able to fix it anytime soon. It made him cry at nights and lock himself in his room for hours on end until one of the boys persuaded him to spend time with them. 

"Hoseok? I think this has to stop," a kind voice says outside of his door. He knew that full well. If it continued like this, he'd be trapped forever. There wouldn't be any getting better, there wouldn't be any dying either or suicide attempts. He'd just be suffering forever. 

"I know, hyung," he replied weakly. He had been in a constant state of guilt for so long, so much emptiness in his heart that he had forgotten what feelings felt like and it was suffocating. 

"Can I talk to you about it?" Seokjin asks, carefully like Hoseok was in another world that he was trying to approach. Hoseok hadn't the heart to turn his caring friend away and unlocked his door for him. 

Hoseok looked like death with his sickly pale skin and hollow cheeks. He rarely ate now. Sleep seemed to avoid him too. 

Seokjin sat down on the edge of Hoseok's bed, moving slowly so that he wouldn't crush Hoseok's body on accident. 

"We think that you should go to therapy again and give it another chance. And it'd be best for you to spend more time with us, we hate it when you're alone and suffering like this, angel. What do you think?"

"I don't know," Hoseok answered honestly. He was indecisive these days and rather uncaring. 

"Would you like to try, baby?"

"I could but I just--I don't know, I feel like it'd be pointless," Hoseok said, voice monotonous. He sat up and looked Jin in the eyes. "Does it matter?"

"Yes, it does," Jin breathed out, tears glossing over his sad eyes. Hoseok regretted his actions immediately, unsure of what he had said that made his hyung so sad. "You matter to us so much. It's been killing us that you've been locked in this stuffy room for so long. It hurts so much, Hoseok-ah."

"Oh," he murmured upon realization. 

"Yeah. Can--can you come downstairs?"

He didn't want to upset anyone ever again. Why had he been rebelling so much? Without feelings, he could do anything. 

"Yeah, let me shower first though," he replied, making Seokjin smile with relief. His hair was greasy though and he was a mess. The motivation to shower just never visited him but he often felt too gross and had to rinse himself of his sins. 

"Alright, I'll be waiting downstairs with the others for you. Thank you, Hoseok-ah. Thank you for trying."

Hoseok was downstairs quickly and his first sight was a packed living room that held no energy. It was lifeless. 

All of the boys had dark bags under their eyes and they were all sitting separately, trying to create as much distance as they could from each other. Jimin and Taehyung were glaring at each other. They looked like they had just had a quarrel. 

Hoseok's heart dropped at the sight. Had he done this? What happened to his friends?

"Hoseok," Yoongi sighed out, standing up and walking over to Hoseok so slowly as if Hoseok were going to disappear if he moved too quickly. "You're--here."

Hoseok threw his arms around Yoongi, holding the boy tightly. He felt Yoongi's shoulders sag and his breath against his ear. 

"I missed you," Yoongi whispered. 

"I'm sorry," Hoseok answered, not just to Yoongi, but to everyone. To Jin, who had made so many meals for Hoseok but ended up storing them in the fridge because Hoseok was too sad to eat. To Namjoon, who was so strong and suffered without a word whilst he tried to care for everyone in the house. To Jimin and Taehyung, who's relationship suffered because of how tense Hoseok left the place. To Jungkook, who he'd promised he'd protect. 

"Don't be sorry," Namjoon said softly, catching Hoseok's eyes with his own sad ones. "Just give living another chance. Please."